You wouldn't download an assclown: A rant on why cinemas are dying

Oh, you can add Big Momma's House 2 to my list of "only saw them because I was with a girl" films.

The girl I went out with for a couple of years could ruin a film without even trying, she talked constantly, not even about the film (at the cinema or watching a DVD) and she ruined Rocky Balboa (my one chance to see a Rocky film at the cinema) by going in a huff because I asked if I could hold the popcorn I'd paid for rather than constantly have to ask her to pass it.

Yeah, it was nice that she shut the hell up all through the film but the tension ruined it, afterwards I had to apologise, I'm still not sure what for...

Other girls have been fine, though my latest squeeze can't help but fall asleep when watching a DVD. As soon as the lights are down she dozes off, even if it's the middle of the day, but since we're cuddled up and she replies with a not so sleepy "Yes..." every time I ask "Are you awake? Are you watching?" she can be asleep for 20 minutes before I realise and have to shake her before explaining what she's missed. Pft.

No offence taken at anything Mouldy, and I apologise if my somewhat fogheaded comments are taken as anything other than what they are - the confused mindwords of a barely coherent manchild.

Now, go check out the Predator trailer thing. It's excellent.

http://www.giflix.com/g/edxujhhf2s25

It's glorious

http://www.giflix.com/gif/yb2ais7am6gf/cat-music-sparta

Edited at 17:51 on 29/03/10

Ahem.
Look - I was mad and it was late and should have just kicked a puppy or something. I'm now painfully aware I'm yelling at a sea of slightly confused people thinking "who pushed her donkey over?" Like a plain-clothed crazy on the tube.

For the kneejerk, humourless, twatty tone I do apologise.

Yeah, where is Phyllis?

Yeah, what Nick said with less words and stuff.
Fuckin' smart people...bet he's gay.

Where's Phyllis? I miss her snarky humour and that avatar.

Edited at 16:38 on 29/03/10

Maybe because I've only ever had bad movie-date experiences but I'm full of impotent rage and misogynistic fear towards the opposite sex and films.
Who knows, if I ever found a woman who...would...I don't know...shut the fuck up and watch the film instead of asking me "who's that?" and "Why is he/she doing that?" then my view would change? I don't know.

Not all women, I'm not tarring you with the same brush. Just the ones I've had experiences with. But, let's be honest, their reviews of the evening/date would probably be less than complimentary towards me. Hell, I know they would.

I'm a movie snob. As I am a music snob. And a culture snob.I've walked from A+ gorgeous dates because they said they loved Big Brother and did I see Eastenders that night? I've literally stood up, said "Look we're never ever going to see eye-to-eye on anything" and left. My loss? Sure. My fault? Absolutely.
Do I give a fuck? Nope. Not a jot.
Because this life is a series of upsets and not-fairs and you can either write emo myspace blogs about it or man the fuck up and write me off as what I am - A bigmouthed fool of a boy who 9/10 will stand there having made his point, nodding and going "Yeah...see...yeah" as everybody shuffles away muttering about what a prick I am because I totally missed the point yet again whilst standing on the summit of Mount I'm Awesome.

Tits like spaniel's ears. It was a joke, a bon mot to suggest how primitive most men are in their view whilst surrounded by other men. Because, and here's a secret, we're not sensitive, poetry reading Colin Firth's around each other.
We are crude, amoral wildebeest. Oh, not towards each other's spouses - that's off limits.
But we'll make purile comment about people, not just women, to make each other laugh.
You don't see films about groups of men sat around drinking wine and watching Sex in The City. Because we don't. We tell off-colour jokes and...ssshhhh...can be quite sexist and offensive when the occasion presents itself.
Sometimes when it doesn't.

I wasn't passing comment on all women, nor was I suggesting that I reduce women to single flashcards of interest like "TITS!" "LEGS!" "ASS!".
I mean come on: "She lost my number after that and, I think, was kidnapped never to return my calls.
Also, I think looking back she was a lesbian."
What is that saying? That is man pointing out in puzzled confusion that she never returned his calls, nor rang him. Therefore she must have met a terrible fate, because there's no way she found him to be an objectionable dick right? Surely not that?
No, she must have been gay. Yeah, that's why. Nothing to do with me being an assface.

Do you see the twist on the male chauvenist behaviour you condemn us/me of?
That's making myself the butt of the joke, offering myself as a target.
*shakes head*

Watching too much High School Musical & Renee Zelwegger movies will do that to a person I guess.
Nyah nyah nyah *blows raspberry*

Is it bad that I'm not getting why Mouldy is upset?

"Being born male doesn't mean you were born pre-disposed to like "better" films"

No-one is seriously suggesting that it does. What Goaty said was it was important to us that you agree with us, whether we're right or not (which to us, we always are)

"Do you know why there will be 4 Transformer movies at least, and why Shia The Beef has a career at all? Because Men and Boys go to cream themselves at big action scenes multiple times."

Yeah that's not a generalisation or hypocritical AT ALL.

"Smart wise women watch and appreciate all kinds of films, but you all act like we're each and every one of us labotomized Heat reading, pigtailed retards."

What? Where did you get that from? I know plenty of women who like great films, it just so happened that we were talking about coming out of the cinema with differing opinions which, by the way, was a topic you started.

"No-one seems to care how this site seems to be steadily declining into the Nuts and Zoo world and that one article can't be posted without a woman being rated for hotness or you just en masse run us down for shits and giggles."

If I thought that was actually happening you wouldn't see me for dust. I hate those magazines because they reduce us to the same low-grade generalisations that you seem to wrongly believe is happening here.

@Mouldydc

I guess the whole bitching about girls is not a matter of some anti-women attitude, it's just complaining about a date one happened to have at a specific time. Since most of people that post here are men, they comment on girls behaviour/appearance/anything that relates to them. If a girl, for example - you, makes rants about her date, I guess no one will dare to say - "stop it, it's not fair to attack my gender!"

Before I say the following, please bear in mind that I am an utter cinema whore and will literally go to see anything at the cinema (and, hence, kinda disagree with the rant - sorry).

My last first date movie was...St Trinians (her choice). It was myself, my girlfriend, and a small group of chavs in the whole cinema and they spent the whole time talking, throwing popcorn and playing on their phones. Come to think of it, that's probably the worst cinema experience I've ever had.

Still with my girlfriend though - sometimes you just have to forgive the penchant for rom-coms and dance movies. As long as I still get to see the movies I want to see, I don't mind watching one or two of hers too...

And, the reason I love going to the cinema so much is probably because that's the only time I've ever really had chavs ruin the experience - my local cinema doesn't really suffer from it too much.

Gotta agree with Ali though - it's pretty much all advance preview screenings for me now and that's really the best way to see a film for the first time. Everyone knows when to laugh/coo at the right places and just shut up the rest of the damn time.

The previous first date movie I had before that was The Break-up *slow clap for Matt*

What about The Room?

(*shame*)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the advance preview screenings for journalists etc are the perfect cinematic experience - how I wish it was every time. Everyone is quiet and respectful, but they ooh and aah at the right times, which is perfect for the right atmosphere. I don't mind large-scale laughing or screaming - the Paranormal Activity screening I went to was a blast, because everyone was so gripped. You could really feel the tension in the room.

Sadly, only awesome people like me get to go to them, so (*flips middle finger*) up yours, children!

Hahaha, well remembered!

Ali what a first date!!! what did u do to cover it up?? throw some lilt over it?? i heard some guy done that once whilst on a coach back from a zoo or theme park....maybe it would have saved your date!!

some great ranting on here, and i agree, for the most part with every word written.

I too hate Underworld

I think the idea of renting cinema releases is great, like Luke says it wouldnt work for everyone, it would just make people like ourselves lives easier...

Saying that i love going to the cinema, and would probably still go even if i could legally rent and watch at home,

I try and see two films a week at the cinema, of course if normally turns to be 1 as the films being released usually consist of a bunch of rubbish on film.

saying that i enjoy the duds, the post film ranting is what makes cinema worthwhile, where would we be without bad cinema, we might begin to pick holes in films we love.

the emotions evoked through cinema good or bad is unlike any other, bad dates at cinemas isnt because the film is bad, its the compatibility between the couple thats bad, i could see ANY film with my now gf and it would be great.

we've sat through some complete rubbish and enjoyed our time, one a occasion we watche 'the whole ten yards' because for my sins i enjoyed the whole nine.

as the credits rolled i opened my eyes, i had slept through most of it, we left the cineam i turned to the gf and asked if she like it, she replied, "i missed most of it, i was so tired sorry" we had both been sitting side by side, asleep, the trip however i do belive was worth it, i had a great sleep and ended up in a whetherspoons having a steak night dinner....

I couldnt stop going to the cinema even if i tried, its part of me, i go because i love the atmosphere, Ive had some really bad experiences of people ruining my time there, but the great times out weight these 10 fold.

I love seeing animated 'kids' films at the cinema, and the ideal way for me is in a packed room full of kids (and parents) as long as im sitting in the middle of a row so they cant bother me with toilet breaks, the atmosphere added my the laughter of the kids makes it all the better!!

for me going to a cinema to watch a film like this or a big budget world gonna end film in an empty cinema would be like watching a football match in an empty stadium, the experience would be ruined!!

i wouldnt wanna sit next to some BNP hooligan in the cinema or stadium but the laughter, cheering and geering make both the greatest of experinces we can have while sitting.

I go out of my way to ensure my cinema experience is how i want it, i make the special effort to see the earliest possible showing during the week, which usually means its me, the gf and some pentioners, who of course sleep the whole way through, making my recent screens of A Serious Man and The Road...amazing, just me and the gf and at the end turning to eachother and knowing we just watched something special.

sometimes unfortunately on occasion the 'Chavs' etc do make it in, and its not just the talking on the phone or to each other that gets me, its the light given off by the phone, once it catches my eye i cant stop looking and then before i know it Frodos dropped the ring in the fire or Bruce Willis/Tom Cruise/Nick Cage have saved the world and the film is ruined!!!

something needs to be done, i dont mean that cinemas should stop letting them see good films, as otherwise they'll never learn, i just think we shouldnt have to sit and have an experience ruined, like ali i dont want to SHHH them because i then am ruining the film for others, there needs to be a cinema employee ready to enforce a no noise policy and get them out and back on the streets where they belong

sorry MOULDYDC for all the girl bashing in these rants, as Goaty said its usually us that loose out in these scenarios,

some women do have terrible taste in films, but sadly the same amount (aboutish) of men do too, too many people love shit films and this is why cinema will die

I currently live with someone who has what i believe is the worst taste in film of any other person. A collection of over a 100 DVDs and Bluray and honestly i would happily watch less than 10, all the Fast and Furious and Transporter Franchies (BLU RAY AND DVD!!!) to name a couple,

these are the people that ruin cinema, they go and watch a shit film (pic any michael bay) they like it and then think all films are shit like this, and thats the problem they come and watch our films, the good films, and ruin it all....

sorry i went on, sorry again for bad spellings all over the place!

Guys, girls, let's have some order here. Hopefully we can all come together and laugh at the fact that my first date movie was Deep Blue Sea, and I threw up halfway through it.

I care! But the trouble with being a caring, sensitive and dashing male is that sometimes I want to see big explosions and reduce women to the level of objects. It's in-built. And I know it's the same for women, just in general the focus is on different things and that's why we recoil in horror at each other's choices.

When it comes down to it I simply won't waste my time watching a pile of unentertaining trash, but what is considered entertaining can change at the drop of a hat. Airplane? Sure! Just let me get really drunk first so I forget it happened. Surely that's the same for both genders, and all the ones inbetween?

And anyway, I know the secret keyphrase that renders al "discussions" like this pointless, and I'm not afraid to use it...

@Mouldydc

My wife rates Robocop as a favourite ever. On first hearing that I thought "this is the girl for me"

I don't assume all women are going to love pieces of shit movies. :P

*Shrug*

If you read, I always come out the loser in my tales.
It's highlighting that I ended up going home alone having made myself look like an ass. That my behaviour, whilst big and clever in my manchild view, was incompatible with emotionally developed fully formed people/women.

And Underworld does suck.

Edited at 05:16 on 29/03/10

Oh sweet Destiny's Child, this site makes me so angry sometimes. Why do I always feel I'm having to defend women.

Liking movies is not a boy's club. No wonder we don't have very many female contibutors and/or commentors.
Being born male doesn't mean you were born pre-disposed to like "better" films, or make you better than me and any of my ovary-laden sisters. Do you know who goes to these wank films? Do you know why there will be 4 Transformer movies at least, and why Shia The Beef has a career at all? Because Men and Boys go to cream themselves at big action scenes multiple times.

Girls, not so much...
Smart wise women (and trust me, we exist - take a look at your much better halves) watch and appreciate all kinds of films, but you all act like we're each and every one of us labotomized Heat reading, pigtailed retards.

I know lots of men, some of my best friends are male. I would never launch into huge sweeping generalisations like "oh they make me watch Star Trek", "I don't fancy him cos his cock's a bit crooked".

"Tit's like a spaniel's ears." Fuck you.
No-one seems to care how this site seems to be steadily declining into the Nuts and Zoo world and that one article can't be posted without a woman being rated for hotness or you just en masse run us down for shits and giggles.

You make male film fans look bad.

This is whiny and reactionary I know, but there it is. I'm probably on the blob.

Can't we all just like films? Little people... why can't we all just get along??

Actually... my nearest cinema is ten minutes away. It's in an old man's shed.

My nearest cinema is a two hour drive away, costs about £14 and gets about one/two English films about three months late.

Still... the Japanese audience know how to shut their stupid faces. I'm used to be being silent at the cinema but over here I'm the only laughing at anything. Usually because the translation is terrible. You can have big Samuel shouting "You motherfucking pigfucker little bitch" and the Japanese will say "I dislike you".

My favourite trip to the cinema was when that nuke went off in Indiana Jones. That was fun.

Fucking iPod messing up all the words.

Ahhh date movies: memories, like the corners of my mind.it's of fond memories of going to the local Odeon. Even though it was a big chain it had heart, and all the people working there were friends of friends - was nice. I remember (goaty and Ali probably do too) queueing miles down the street to see the greatest movie of all time, Congo. And now it's gone, forcing a trip to the hellhole that is UCI. Rubbish.

Took a girl to see Sphere. Yeah. Never got to see her spheres but that's fine, I ain't easy like that. First film the gf and I saw was the Blair Witch Project, followed by Deep Blue Sea. The cinema was quite important for us, because I'm quiet like a mouse and she got popcorn. Haha Ali will kill me for this but hebgot scared walking back from a late night showing of The Mothman Prophecies.

It could be worse, you could let HER pick. I've been forced to sit through the following, luckily they can still be counted on one hand -

Just Friends (which is what we ended up becoming)
Solomon Kane (shit, I would've waited for DVD)
Music and Lyrics (yikes!)

I think a trip to the cinema is wasted unless there are explosions/car chases, something to take advantage f the big screen, otherwise I'd rather watch it at home away from the chimps that infest cinemas. Seeing romantic comedies was like betraying my own religion...

It's the sheer lack of ambition that annoyed me. I'm left thinking "You're 27 and a university graduate so you're clearly not stupid. I expect better from you and if you think I'm OK spending the next 40 years watching crap like Transformers you're mistaken" Everything she said after that point was run through my "She likes Avatar" tinted glasses. They're like the opposite of beer goggles and they can make even the nicest girl look like a slack-jawed, tracksuit wearing, cornrow sporting, council estate teenage mother of 14.

It stuns me that women don't get that.
A woman will list reasons why a potential date is/isn't suitable,"did he dress nice/was he polite/did he offer to pay/were his shoes nice/is he marriage material" etc etc.
Bloke criteria - "Does she like shit films" and "Does she have tits like a spaniel's ears"

A date not liking good movies, and by good I mean the same as us, is a game-stopper on par with saying "Oh yeah, last night I fucked my dog".
Although I remember years ago the girl telling me she liked Smokey & The Bandit & The Cannonball Run and I told her she couldn't because they were boys films.

She lost my number after that and, I think, was kidnapped never to return my calls.
Also, I think looking back she was a lesbian.

It's fine I think once you establish you're compatible enough I suppose. My main disaster with cinema dates was a first one, and there was nothing else on apart from the Leslie Nielsen "Repossessed"

I've never cringed so much. She liked it. We went our separate ways.

Hmm yes, I've done that too. I also had a girl recently who I was getting on great with until we started talking about cinema and she told me her favourite film was Avatar, that she'd seen it 3 times and intended on going to see it again. I didn't go on a rant about it but she did get the "I think we're very different people" talk shortly afterwards.

I made the mistake of going on a cinema-date once. We went to watch Underworld.
I managed to talk/rant my way out of any goodies by...well...imagine me on here, but 2ft away walking to fucking Nandos afterwards explaining why the film was awful and anybody that enjoyed it must be short of a brain or three.
"Well I thought it was good fun" was the response.
She didn't appreciate the explanation of how she was clearly wrong and lacking in any sense of taste or decency.

Apparently grouchy and hostile is cute via the medium of email/txt but somewhat less so in person.
*shrugs*
Underworld *is* a terrible film though, I wasn't wrong.

There are some words I'm looking for... damn... what are they?

In my opinion, which I'm fully entitled to I believe -

Cinema's an excellent date place. You can talk before and afterwards. Seeing the right film with the right person and coming out with either the exact same reaction (Before Sunset being my No1 date movie ever), or with hugely polarized views (thank you Van Helsing, for the most entertaining post film autopsy) can make for good shared memories.

Thankfully none of you would have to put up with the horror of dating me, but thanks for the input.

Edited at 17:10 on 28/03/10

lolz rofl omg!!!!!

Nope, this online thing isn't quite the same. But yeah, go to a pub/bar/restaurant/park.
Unless it's your 2nd or 3rd date and you are looking foward to the illicit thrill of the darkened auditorium and are watching,say, Finding Nemo and he tells you to not wear undies and a skirt.

Stuff like that I'd imagine.

These days you do it via online cheats. Sorry, I meant "chats". Actually, I meant "cheats".

"Where will I go if I ever get a date?"

Somewhere you can actually talk to the other person? ;D

A Holiday Inn?

Cinemas can't close. Where will I go if I ever get a date?

I put "motherhood box office" into google and the 1st site is the new York times with an article this. The comments, amongst various personal insults at Thurman, are all along the line of "who goes to the cinema anymore?" and "it's too
expensive and people talk".
I can genuinely see in a few years the death of
cinema as we move towards digital distribution.
The studios would embrace it, saves them millions in dealing with cinema chains and they get to keep all the profits.
Plus you wouldn't have the situation where you
go to see X but it's sold out so you settle for Y or Z.

It's 2010, the notion of sitting with 300 other people watching a tiny screen and poor sound is abhorrent.
Roll on personal choice.
Plus people can indulge their weaknesses without fear of being discovered. I can overdose on Costner goodness without having to face being treated like a child molester.

It did only open on one screen in one cinema in the whole country apparently. That's not going to help your opening weekend...

Amazon have it ranked at 2,700 bestseller in DVDs, but I don't know what that means as regards to sales.

I'd be interested to see how much was made from DVD sales & downloads.
If I was given the choice of watching, for example, the new Robin Hood film at the cinema or downloading it watch for £10 I know what I'd choose.

Never even heard of it.

I don't think people in general are ready for downloads yet. It's easy for the likes of us who have an xbox or ps3 - they stream most formats from a pc to the tv, removing the hassle. But then we've forked out on the equipment and know what connects to what to make it all work. I doubt my mum could do that, and my dad can manage a kettle and a microwave, even then only when there's a curry in it. It's just not ready ffor general consumption. Downloads, that is - the curry is fine.

That's dreadful. Any news on how many copies/downloads were sold?
Hold on, I've got the interweb, I'll have a look myself.

No-one's saying and I'm lazy. I'll just assume none.

Edited at 07:16 on 28/03/10

Interesting little story on MSN right now about Uma Thurmans new film Motherhood. The studio thought it would be clever of them to synchronise the launch of the film across cinema, DVD and downloads so as to maximise takings. The end result was that national cinema takings for it's opening weekend totalled £88.

Yeah, welcome to 3 weeks ago when I wrote this Hollywood
*shakes head*
By the time you realise, we've moved on to beamed-to-your-cortex entertainment.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8571186.stm

Our local Cineworld in Huntingdon is quite good mid-week, because it's never that busy. It's out of town so chav kids can't get there easily.

At the weekend though we (whole family) went to the Cambridge Cineworld to see Alice in Wonderland. Queuing for 5 minutes to get the kiddies a drink, and only when the imbeciles get to the front do they begin the discussion about what they want! Seriously, work it out while you're waiting, get what you want, and fuck off.

I have been catching the odd movie during the day between seminars on a Monday, which i thought would rule out the kids, but no, Youth In Revolt, one girl on the phone to her mate the first half hour encouraging her to come join her. Thank fuck she didn't turn up.

The Vue in Cambridge does over 18s only showings of certain films, but only a couple a week.

Didn't some cinemas recently trial "18s only" on certain films? Like even if it was PG you HAD to be 18 to get in, that way you avoid all the kids and most radgies (chavs). I think I read it in Metro, and they were saying they had a huge turn out of late 20s to middle aged who WANTED to go to the cinema but wouldn't because of the kids.

I've said it before but when I saw Ghostrider me and the then missus were at the end of an aisle, and next to us was an entire party of 10 year olds. It was like musical chairs, we'd get up to let one out to go to the toilet, then his mate would go, then the next, and the next, and so on, all leaving enough time for you to sit back down again. Then the first one would get back, then the next, and the next, again all waiting long enough so you had to get up then sit down then get up then sit down, and they ALL went at LEAST twice! Stupid kids, I remember being 10 and watching Stargate. I was bursting for a slash as the film entered its third act but I kept thinking "I can't leave now, it's about to get good." It didn't get good. But the point was I could hack it!

Those kids probably saved me from being subjected to such an awful film because I spent most of it on my feet, but still, it was annoying as hell.

Luckily for me, here, in Poland, our cinemas are still evolving into the state described in the article. I guess, it's matter of several years to get there. But some symptoms are visible (picnic, cells, kids watching films they shouldn't be allowed to). Still, I try to avoid going to the cinema during weekends. Last time it happened was with '2012' (must add I mainly watch effects based films at the cinema). We organized a kind of a family watching(6 people from my and wifey's families, big mistake btw). From entering the Mall I felt like mental vomitting. But I always feel that way in a crowded place, anyways.
Then I promised to myself - never again. Now I choose only days of week that are chosen by few and pick films that I'm really eager to see, unfortunately not all films that I'd like to see are shown - an example of total stupidity was not bringing Hurt Locker. No distributor in Poland was interested. Only 2 or 3 cinemas in the capital city somehow organized viewings. Now, after Oscars, a few others joined. Not my town, though. So now it's on DVD and at some cinemas, clever, right?

Absolutely.
If I had the option to download to watch latest releases I'd pay happily. Run a similar service to the xbox live rental where you can keep for X days but once you watch it self-deletes after 48hrs.
I love movies but I hate people, therein lies the problem.
I get headache-inducing angry just trying to browse in hmv and somebody is standing in front of me reading the back of Cobra.

Please, let me download new releases legally & you'll solve the internet piracy problem in a second.

It's got nothing to do with who likes the film more, if you've paid your money, you have just as much right to be there as me. It's when the chatter and the giggling and the chaviness happens that pisses me off.

And even taking the moral high ground and shushing - or better yet, getting them thrown out - has to be marked as a loss, because you're making more noise for everyone else, and missing more of the film than you would if you just kept quiet.

Digital distribution is the way to go. I'll happily pay £30 a month (twice what I do now) to see every new release in pin-sharp HD in my living room, and I suspect most of us agree.

My biggest problem at the cinema for me at the moment isn't simply the general public getting on my nerves but the poor deployment of staff. I went to see Alice In Wonderland last Saturday afternoon with the girlfriend (alas, it was full and had to come back at 9:30). Possibly the cinema's busiest time and there was ONE person working the box office, dealing with a huge queue whilst there were THREE people milling about the bit where they tear your ticket with only one of them actually tearing the ticket.

I will admit though, and I'm not proud of it, I do have somewhat of an arrogance when it comes to the cinema and because I know a lot about films, write about films and basically talk about films all the damn time, I feel I deserve to be there more than the chavs in front of me who will no doubt ruin the film for me. Also, I immediately hate everyone in the cinema lobby, but this basically boils down to me wanting to get the best seat and I see everyone else as potential for me ending up stuck at the front with a bad neck.

I, like Ali, also pay nearly £15 a month for unlimited films. With this I should be able to waltz in to any film I please, bypass all queues, be the cinema's top priority, slap the employees around the face with my Unlimited Card whilst they greet me at the door and avoid being stuck behind indecisive plebs who can't remember the name of the film when they get to the counter.

I've been to the cinema 16 times this year already so obviously I do like going but don't like the experience of going. So I usually stick to the latest possible showing in the middle of the week. This usually makes the whole experience a lot less stressful and mong-free, and the place feels a whole lot more peaceful.

Edited at 23:39 on 14/03/10

The last time I went to a cinema and had a pleasureable experience was watching Return Of The King at the big cinema in Greenwich. It was expensive, but beautifully designed and an usher came out to tell people anybody using
mobiles or asked more than once to be quiet would be ejected.

I buy a LOT of DVDs, and now BluRays so Hollywood gets profits from me. I downloaded The Road however.
Why? Because it never came to my cinema, because it wouldn't make enough ££ for the cinema chain to justify showing it. Yes, I was that anal I rang and asked.
But I'll buy it on BluRay when it comes out, because I want to support the studio & artists that made it.

And apols for the length of this article, I got locked in Moral Outrage and edit doesn't figure.

I try to see films during work/school hours, or on a Sunday (when it's cheaper anyway). It's become tradition for me and the lads to leave work early, see the film and then get totally ruined, thus forgetting what actually happened in the film. "Revenge of the Fallen night out" was tremendous, though "Wolfman night out" saw me throwing up when I got home... and I had work the next day.

When seeing films with the lads we avoid all the people who ruin films, I'd almost forgotten it could happen until I went to see Solomon Kane with the missus. It was Friday night, we couldn't see Youth In Revolt because for some reason they pulled it, so I let her pick. Radgies talked, laughed, phoned each other and texted ALL the way through. As if that wasn't bad enough there was some mental guy talking to himself and applauding the film at the end (he was by himself and had a bag that looked like it contained a severed hooker's corpse).

Still, not as bad as Aliens vs Predator 2 where a fight broke out. Classic.

So yeah, it depends on when you go. When I saw Passion of the Christ it was a Sunday and was literally just me and two mates in the entire cinema, no-one to ruin the torture porn in front of us. I'll never see a film on a Friday night again though.

I manage to avoid these problems by never gong in the first week of release and generally only going to the cinema for smaller films. Having said that, my main issue with the cinemas is the price. I can put up with the occasional dickhead but not if I'm having to pay £10+ for it. For that cost I expect better, especially when I've the option of watching at home.

The more I think about it, the more archaic cinemas seems. I mean, cinemas came and stayed in existence as a way of getting films to people before selective TV and recording was possible. Why do people visit the cinema these days? Impatience waiting for the DVD's? For the big screen? It's sure as hell not for the communal setting

Wow, I'm so glad I never had an experience like the one you described Andy.

This kind of touches on a number of different arguments, all of which are perfectly valid.

First, I can totally understand why cinemas need to exist - and not from a business point of view, but from a user point of view. I like seeing films at the cinema - seeing Avatar in 3D on a huge screen was pretty goddamn amazing. But I hate going to the cinema. Because 9 times out of 10, the film will be ruined by other people.

I'm lucky that I get to attend advance screenings, where most other attendant are fellow journalists, and are therefore respectful of the film and the people watching it. But whenever I venture out to my local Cineworld, I can guarantee that there will be at least one group of cunty little chavs on their phone, a group of big fat women squawking and squealing like they're on a fucking hen night, and someone who has clearly never seen a film in their entire life, so feels the need to laugh, cry and applaud 24 times a second.

I hate it. I hate paying for it, but I do so because it's the only alternative, and movies are really the only thing I enjoy all year round.

What bothers me is this. With Cineworld, I pay a monthly subscription fee of about £15. This lets me see as many films as I want. Good in principle, but not in practice, because not only is getting to the cinema a gigantic ballache, but more often than not, the experience is ruined by Snicker-eating heifers and feral teenagers.

On the other hand, I love my house. It's warm. I have a wicked TV. I'm getting awesome speakers. Let me, the customer who already pays you £15 a month, download whichever movies are out and watch them quietly and contently in the comfort of my own home. That we live in 2010 and this still isn't a reality tells you everything you need to know about the MPAA and how they function.

If piracy is a problem? Tag each download sold with the details of the purchaser and have them agree to terms and conditions that says that if that copy ends up on the web, they can legally take you to the cleaners. Even so? Piracy will always exist. Even with the draconian laws we have at the moment, there's always, always a copy up online within weeks. Why should I have to endure a horrible evening in the company of people I want to kill because of someone else?

One of the last times I went to the cinema was to see A Serious Man. There was a bunch of kids in there, no older than 13 or so, dicking about on their iPhones and chatting like they were in a Starbucks. A Serious Man. Why were they even let in?

Let the mouthbreathers go and see Alvin & The Chipmunks 4 and talk all over it like the Most Annoying DVD Commentary Ever. That's fine, as long as I can see my film at home in peace. I'll happily pay you for the privilege.