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It's hashtag-InternationalCatDay today, so what better time to publish our review of cat film Nine Lives - in which Kevin Spacey turns into a cat - as reviewed by a cat.
Things that ruin your childhood: discovering that your parents are the tooth fairy/Father Christmas. Learning that grandparents and pets can die no matter how much you love them. Jimmy Savile. These are actual things that leave a lasting mark. A remake of a film that you probably originally saw on TV three years after its release because you weren’t old enough to see it at the cinema when it actually came out will not “ruin” your childhood memories (I also had an extended metaphor about how I have continually enjoyed cheese toasties despite once eating an amazing one a few years ago but that doesn’t diminish the good one I had, but I think you get my point). The new rebooted Ghostbusters isn’t going to piss on the fact that you can remember things from a movie that’s over 30 years old. But before I have to hand in my "I was a child of the 80s" badge, I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ghostbusters 2016 is actually funnier and scarier than the original.
Wanna a see a magic trick? Yeah you do. Everyone loves magic. Think of a number between 1 and 5. Multiply it by 9. Add the two digits of your answer together to get a single digit. Subtract 5 from this number. If A is 1, B is 2 etc, find the letter of the alphabet that corresponds to your number. Pick a country that starts with this letter. Now think of an animal that starts with the second letter of that country. Now imagine what colour that animal usually is. By the end of this review, I shall reveal the animal and the country you were thinking of (*pauses for astonished but also mesmerised silence*). But right now, I can tell you’re thinking, "isn’t this a somewhat laboured and overlong opening paragraph for a 3 star film?" You are, aren’t you? (*waves arms*) THAT’S MAGIC (*dead dove drops from sleeve*)
Unlike Game Of Thrones, there are no tits and dragons in Warcraft: The Beginning. There are wizards with hipster beards, giant eagles and a progressive orc, though. And in an apt allegory of recent times, an invading horde trigger immigration anxiety amongst a bunch of white people. Rather than rinsing a failing health service and steal jobs, these invaders need mortal souls to… do something. I'm not quite sure. It's all a bit of a blur, to be quite honest with you. I really hope Duncan Jones doesn't read mid-level, sarcastic film blogs, because things are about to get orc-ward; Warcraft is an epic mess of a movie.
Everybody looks likes someone or something else in Criminal: Ryan Reynolds looks like a worried owl, Tommy Lee Jones looks like Maz Kanata and Kevin Costner is trying his best to channel Nicolas Cage. Even the film itself is trying to be a Bourne-style thriller, but instead is a weird mishmash of Self/Less and that episode of The Simpsons when Homer has a crayon stuck up his nose.
The new trailer for Rogue One: A Star Wars Story is finally here
, but how many other 'Star Wars stories' are on the way? What if there were a host of other TV-related spin-offs in the pipeline? Ever wondered what those posters might look like? I think you know where I'm going with this...
There are a few questions that spring to mind when watching London Has Fallen, the first one being WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO BLOW UP BIG BEN? The second; is Gerard Butler the luckiest man in show business? And if I’m going to round this out with a third, does Morgan Freeman just have a stock set of scenes of him against a green screen that he flogs to studios? I swear I haven’t seen him interact with another live being for nearly two years now.
No internet and a TV that can only pick up a few analogue channels….no, not Christmas at my parents, but the world in which five-year-old Jack and his beloved Ma live. There’s also Bed, Lamp and Rug – the bits of furniture that Jack greets fondly every morning as most five-year-olds would greet their little mates at playschool, making his way around his 10 square-feet room, a space which would probably go for a premium price if it was in the right spot in London. To Jack, it’s the grand sum of his universe, but to Ma it’s the claustrophobic prison where she’s been kept captive as a sex slave for several years by a serial rapist. If you’re easily upset and/or of a sensitive disposition, you’re probably best off seeing Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip instead.
There are some things you would expect from a Peter Pan movie: flying kids, oppressive parental figures, some fairies and shit. Pirates singing Nirvana songs, galleons trying to out-race spitfires and Hugh Jackman huffing pixie dust probably not so much. Creating a gritty backstory for a 12-year-old can't have been easy, but director Joe Wright pulls it off with great aplomb, making it one of the most entertaining visits to Neverland so far. Add in thrilling action sequence after action sequence, and you've basically got Mad Max: Fury Road for kids.
At two hours and 11 minutes, The Scorch Trials should have been a pretty meaty filler in the YA sandwich that is Maze Runner. But like its stablemates The Hunger Games and Divergent, once all the scene-setting and introduction to the new dystopian world has been done, we're just trying to munch straight through to the good stuff. Scorch Trials is basically a big block of cheese you can't quite sink your teeth into, but there's a promise of an interesting chutney coming up, or some particularly nice bread. It's a bit bland and won't leave you particularly hungry for more.