10 movies and 10 sincere apologies to those I made watch them

Monsters Vs Aliens (Leeds, 2009)



Dear Rob Booker,

My occasional colleague and full-time friend, Robert Arthur Raymond Booker, last year I took you to see your first modern-day 3D film and I am afraid that it has ruined you.

I had already seen the mind-blowing My Bloody Valentine and then spent the following month gushing to you about this 3rd revolution in cinema. I constantly shouted propagandist phrases at you like "3D is the third revolution in cinema."

Subsequently you came to see Monsters Vs Aliens with me and sceptically paid the extra two pounds for the glasses. Now you refuse to see any films that aren't in glorious 3D, and also refuse to take off those stupid glasses.

Here's a list of films you've since missed: A Serious Man, The Hangover, The Hurt Locker, Let The Right One In, In the Loop, Fish Tank, Moon.

Here's a list of films you have seen: The Final Destination.

I think you put it best when you said, "Well if they wanted me to watch An Education they should have made it in 3D."

Sincerely,

Honest (Shrewsbury, 2000)



Dear Charles Ratcliff Snr,

The Appleton sisters getting their boobs out does not a good film make. I remember nothing about this film. I don't even remember how their boobs looked. In fact I don't even remember who the Appleton sisters are.

I really should've rented this on my own and been true to my own perviness instead of dragging you, my innocent granddad, to see this feckless hatchet job.

I have learnt to forgive myself over the stroke you suffered soon afterwards. Nan, however, has not.

Sincerely,

Happiness (Manchester, 2000)



Dear Martin, Richard, Thomas and Mark,

At university I mostly lived with Sports Science or Business Studies students like you guys. I studied film. For an evening's entertainment that the whole flat could enjoy I suggested we go see the latest art-house smash Happiness.

That night I couldn't possibly have sunk into my chair any lower.

You know when you inexplicably go to a multiplex in the centre of a large city on a Saturday evening and there's a substantial group of teenagers sat a couple of rows in front of you, texting, sneering and loudly commentating on every little thing purely out of sheer boredom because they're clearly just there to waste time before they hit the next date rape hot-spot?

Friends, that night, we were those teenagers. (Minus the date rape).

Four weeks later I would drop out of university and you would purposefully only go see $100 million budget films from then on in just to spite me.

Although you would've had a glimmer of weird recognition when Seymour Hoffman turned up in Mission: Impossible III. Which is nice.

Sincerely,

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (Huddersfield, 2005)



Dear Kelly, Pete and Rob,

Come on, you sat through the other two with me... Guys?

Guys?

Guys?

GUYS?

Sincerely,


[No forwarding address]
Every horror remake ever (UK, 2003-2009)



Dear me,

I'm taking a long hard look at myself right now and thinking about what I have done.

But I'm also thinking I will probably go see the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Sincerely,