Feature

101 sexual special moves that don't appear in Fifty Shades Of Grey

Ali Gray

12th February 2015

This week sees the release of erotic adaptation Fifty Shades Of Grey, a movie which promised to bust wide open the sexual taboos of the modern repressed cinemagoer. Instead, it features a few boobs, about three ass cheeks and some light whipping. Whoop-de-doo.

Forget 'vanilla', the sex in Fifty Shades Of Grey is more like that yellow ice cream you get in the Iceland frozen foods section that's so generic it doesn't even claim to be vanilla because it actually has no vanilla extract in it whatsoever. Make yourself feel better by scanning this list of sexual acts and positions and mark off the ones you've done, therefore making you more sexually adventurous than recognisable human being Christian Grey!

Ass-to-mouth
Donkey punching
Blumping
Wolfbagging
Fisting
Fusting
Nipple thwocking
Reverse nipple thwocking
Jam-ragging
Spunk-bubbling
Prawn toasting
Sharking
Essex mouthwash
Capturing the Friedmans
Rainbow trout roundabout
Fanta guzzling
Missionary 2
Shania Twaining
Gunt-to-gunt nuzzling
Pasadena Peanut Butter
Watercolour challenge
Beetroot vacuum
Industrial tribunal
Boglin trading
Semenology
Mercedes bends
Saying 'Hi!' to Biggins
Skin-eating
Inviting the Tiger to tea
Freemium shit-caking
Erecting gossamer yurts
Pritt-Stick prick lick
Angering Venger
Butt stuff
Clunge Olympics
Battle Los Angeles
Dusty fucksticks
Drinking rum with 'Mike Honey'
Cunt trumpet
Extreme kettling
The thing James Franco does that he doesn't like to talk about
Scrapbooking
Ultra scrapbooking
Spanish scrapbooking
Visiting 'Future Biff'
Oesophalopagus
Light front bum tickling
Chutney mustard
Musty custard
Hardcore fricking
Shaft gargling
Potato insertion (front)
Potato insertion (back)
Halo
Chumping
Literally watching Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes
Taint painting
Contactless ball-slurping
Jousting
Summoning the spirit of Eugene Levy
Cincinnati clambake
Riffing with the Troggs
Bunghole Bingo
Couch cocking
Sailing aimlessly on an ocean of sex
Piss gobbling
The Rocketeer
The Rocket-there
The Rocket-every-fuckin-where
Playful castration
Fence sitting
Hip sucking
Knuckle-fucking
Armpit harmonica
Alligator fuckhouse
Channing Tatum
Backdoor flap trapdoor nap
Doing it while wearing a hat
2 Girls, 1 ChupaChup
Pube salad
Four-finger KitKat
Vadering
Crass observation
Riding bitch with Hammond
79
Jizz clubbing
Imitating Rodney Trotter
Blogging
Aching
Trending
Dying
Paulblarting
Mexican frottage
Chin waxing
Praying to Sex Jesus
Goat hectoring
Funt munching
Bee twatting
Racist cowgirl
Erotic yodelling
Pubic hurdling
I have done all 101, obviously. (*flexes funt muscles*)

Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This