What the fuck were the filmmakers thinking with that fingering scene? Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking? Did writer Jane Goldman know that Matthew Vaughn was going to shoot it in closeup? Did actress Poppy Delevingne know her crotch was going to fill an IMAX screen? Did NO ONE involved in the scene's inception or creation stop to think that maybe it might be a little bit massively rapey to have the movie's hero secretly slip an object into a female character's vagina?
If the Statesman nanobot 'alpha gel' thingy can rebuild the brain, why can't it also rebuild an eye?
Why does Matthew Vaughn take every available opportunity to linger on the numerous bottles of whisky in the movie? Is it something to do with the very same Matthew Vaughn who has been caught shamelessly flogging his own single malt to anyone who'll listen?
Was this the reason I felt like I needed a stiff drink afterwards, or was it the whole fingering thing?
What did Poppy's henchmen think they would achieve by slowly advancing towards Mark Strong's Merlin, who was rooted to the spot in an area they knew to be riddled with landmines?
How come characters address the fact that both Eggsy and Harry are now codenamed 'Galahad' but the movie never actually resolves that point? And when Champagne offers the pair the recently vacated codename 'Whiskey', how would that work exactly?
If Matthew Vaughn directed an action scene and didn't set it to a popular pop song, would the scene even exist at all?
Can we report this movie to trading standards for advertising Channing Tatum as a major character despite the fact he's literally put on ice for about 80% of the movie?
Is it really cost efficient or wise to have a tattoo parlour manned by a robot? Does every Matthew Vaughn movie have to feature Claudia Schiffer now?
Isn't in normally a thing in action movies that when characters cause a mountain avalanche, you actually get to see the consequences of that avalanche and the characters don't just sort of wander off, completely un-arsed?
How come no cameras or satellites could see inside the open top stadium prison masquerading as a government relief centre, thereby instantly revealing the incredibly obvious and transparent plan to lock up afflicted citizens in cages like battery hens?
What was Agent Whiskey's end game, exactly? Because his wife was killed by a drug dealer - a death one has to assume is not exactly considered rare in America - he had to kill the Kingsman agents because he wanted everyone who had taken drugs IN THE WORLD to die? Would that really have made him feel better?
Whose idea was it to cast the amazingly fit and athletic Halle Berry as a tech expert who audibly complains she is desperate for field work, then not actually give her any actual field work in the movie as a payoff? Was it an idiot?
Who has a more robust understanding of American politics: Matthew Vaughn or a smug, poncho-wearing sixth-former who just skim-read Chomsky?