HOT STREAMS OF CONTENT
20 additional ways Netflix are 'improving' their service
Movie Feature
Ali Gray
20th August 2018
Drastic news from the streaming industry this week, as it's been revealed that Netflix are testing a new 'feature' where trailers for other Netflix shows play between episodes. So, ads, basically. Netflix, you've done it again! This business model could revolutionise the television industry!
The popular streaming service, which boast subscriber numbers of ninety thousand billion customers, aren't resting on their laurels - they're always trying to evolve the product to find new ways of enraging their users. Ads are just the first step; the rest of these 'product improvements' are surely only around the corner.
Users that skip past thumbnails for Adam Sandler comedies forced to watch movies auto-play in full as penance for their mistakes
All past and present Netflix Originals to be remastered with new dialogue inserted so characters can express disgust at actions of Kevin Spacey
Netflix Original Movies now made expressly with intention of someone actually watching them at some point
All new shows to follow example set by Better Call Saul by teasing users with slim chance that Walter White and Jessie Pinkman might show up in proceedings at some unspecified point in future
Bold scheduling to include up to two movies released before 1994
Each new episode of Stranger Things to feature on-screen prompts informing viewers which '80s property is being clumsily referenced
New Netflix Original TV show commissioned with new episodes broadcast daily at 9pm every evening, in which a well-dressed presenter lists to camera all of the most pressing newsworthy events that occurred around the world, followed by local weather and sports results, called 'Netflix Presents: What's Happenin' with Joel McHale'
New algorithmically-generated sections to be added alongside 'Movies You Might Like', including 'Movies You'd Probably Like If You Weren't So Stubborn' and 'Movies We Had To Assume You'd Like Because You Won't Open Up And Tell Us What Your Damage Is'
New one-way interface to allow Ricky Gervais to berate viewers directly through screen for abandoning whatever terrible new thing he's promoting
User interface to emit shrill, high-pitched scream if it thinks users aren't giving new season of critically-acclaimed drugs drama Narcos attention it so clearly deserves
'Skip Intro' button replaced with 'Skip Entire Show' button for users who don't have time to enjoy anything
New user questionnaires for couples to help provide shared content recommendations, despite viewing patterns that suggest absolutely no mutual interests or hope for long-term relationship
Colourful new character profiles to mask fact that Netflix pay no corporation tax
Jerry Seinfeld to be paid even more money for doing even less, if that were possible
Users to be given categorical assurance that should Brooklyn Nine-Nine ever face cancellation again, Netflix will definitely, definitely think about reviving it
Pets detected in room to count as active users
Clever new algorithms and advanced actor AI to dramatise in episodic form whatever high school bullshit happening right now on your Facebook feed
Always-on mic in Netflix-connected devices to analyse user masturbation technique in order to determine what user's kink is and tailor Top Picks accordingly
Ten-second blackout to play between series so users can momentarily see reflection of own pathetic selves in television screen as cruel reminder how empty life is without Netflix
Support Us
Follow Us
Recent Highlights
-
Review: Jackass Forever is a healing balm for our bee-stung ballsack world
Movie Review
-
Review: Black Widow adds shades of grey to the most interesting Avenger
Movie Review
-
Review: Fast & Furious 9 is a bloodless blockbuster Scalextric
Movie Review
-
Review: Wonder Woman 1984 is here to remind you about idiot nonsense cinema
Movie Review
-
Review: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm arrives on time, but is it too little, or too much?
Movie Review
Advertisement
And The Rest
-
Review: The Creator is high-end, low-tech sci-fi with middling ambitions
Movie Review
-
Review: The Devil All The Time explores the root of good ol' American evil
Movie Review
-
Review: I'm Thinking Of Ending Things is Kaufman at his most alienating
Movie Review
-
Review: The Babysitter: Killer Queen is a sequel that's stuck in the past
Movie Review
-
Review: The Peanut Butter Falcon is more than a silly nammm peanut butter
Movie Review
-
Face The Music: The Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey soundtrack is most outstanding
Movie Feature
-
Review: Tenet once again shows that Christopher Nolan is ahead of his time
Movie Review
-
Review: Project Power hits the right beats but offers nothing new
Movie Review
-
Marvel's Cine-CHAT-ic Universe: Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Movie Feature
-
Review: Host is a techno-horror that dials up the scares
Movie Review