20 additional ways Netflix are 'improving' their service

Ali Gray

20th August 2018

Drastic news from the streaming industry this week, as it's been revealed that Netflix are testing a new 'feature' where trailers for other Netflix shows play between episodes. So, ads, basically. Netflix, you've done it again! This business model could revolutionise the television industry!

Netflix claim this new feature "helps members discover stories they will enjoy faster", in the same way that adverts on TV help you discover butter or sofas or Peugeots you'll enjoy faster. In that case: thanks for the help, Netflix! My main issue with discovering stories that I want to enjoy is that I can't make that decision quickly enough, or by myself!

The popular streaming service, which boast subscriber numbers of ninety thousand billion customers, aren't resting on their laurels - they're always trying to evolve the product to find new ways of enraging their users. Ads are just the first step; the rest of these 'product improvements' are surely only around the corner.
30-second ad for Amazon Prime to play between episodes so users can always see how much worse things could be

Users that skip past thumbnails for Adam Sandler comedies forced to watch movies auto-play in full as penance for their mistakes

All past and present Netflix Originals to be remastered with new dialogue inserted so characters can express disgust at actions of Kevin Spacey

Netflix Original Movies now made expressly with intention of someone actually watching them at some point

All new shows to follow example set by Better Call Saul by teasing users with slim chance that Walter White and Jessie Pinkman might show up in proceedings at some unspecified point in future

Here they come! Any minute now!

Bold scheduling to include up to two movies released before 1994

Each new episode of Stranger Things to feature on-screen prompts informing viewers which '80s property is being clumsily referenced

New Netflix Original TV show commissioned with new episodes broadcast daily at 9pm every evening, in which a well-dressed presenter lists to camera all of the most pressing newsworthy events that occurred around the world, followed by local weather and sports results, called 'Netflix Presents: What's Happenin' with Joel McHale'

New algorithmically-generated sections to be added alongside 'Movies You Might Like', including 'Movies You'd Probably Like If You Weren't So Stubborn' and 'Movies We Had To Assume You'd Like Because You Won't Open Up And Tell Us What Your Damage Is'

New one-way interface to allow Ricky Gervais to berate viewers directly through screen for abandoning whatever terrible new thing he's promoting

"I actually don't care and I'm going to tell each one of you individually why I pity you."

User interface to emit shrill, high-pitched scream if it thinks users aren't giving new season of critically-acclaimed drugs drama Narcos attention it so clearly deserves

'Skip Intro' button replaced with 'Skip Entire Show' button for users who don't have time to enjoy anything

New user questionnaires for couples to help provide shared content recommendations, despite viewing patterns that suggest absolutely no mutual interests or hope for long-term relationship

Colourful new character profiles to mask fact that Netflix pay no corporation tax

Jerry Seinfeld to be paid even more money for doing even less, if that were possible

Coming Soon: Comedians in Clothes Doing Whatever

Users to be given categorical assurance that should Brooklyn Nine-Nine ever face cancellation again, Netflix will definitely, definitely think about reviving it

Pets detected in room to count as active users

Clever new algorithms and advanced actor AI to dramatise in episodic form whatever high school bullshit happening right now on your Facebook feed

Always-on mic in Netflix-connected devices to analyse user masturbation technique in order to determine what user's kink is and tailor Top Picks accordingly

Ten-second blackout to play between series so users can momentarily see reflection of own pathetic selves in television screen as cruel reminder how empty life is without Netflix

You laugh, but your cat is already downstairs right now, staring at your idle laptop, fucking up your recommendations.

More:  Netflix
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