Feature

5-step guide to winning The X Factor

Matt Looker

11th August 2011

After years of watching nightmare auditions by half-arsed mentalists, I've developed this can't-lose, idiot-proof plan to winning The X Factor. If I didn't sound like a demented bear when I sing, I'd even give it a try myself.

ITV have recently announced that The X Factor will be returning to our screens on Saturday 20th August at 8pm so we can all throw more laughter, snide comments and raised eyebrows at our tellies during these new audition stages.

And, of course, this series sees a shake-up of the judging panel as Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa Contostavlos herald in a new generation of talent-spotting for the show:


The next generation of judges - spot the odd one out.

And so, as the series soon gets underway, here's a 5-step guide that cracks the X Factor formula and gives any contestant all they need to win that coveted prize of a Christmas No. 1 single and subsequent anonymity.

1. Play on the judges' sympathies



You've seen it before, haven't you? An auditioning contestant greets the judges, states their name and occupation and then a pre-warned Simon Cowell asks 'And why are you here?'.

"
"
Well, I've had a tough time this year because, y'see, my wife died four years ago and [sad music plays] I've been raising my son alone since then. And then he got diagnosed with Aspergers two months ago, and [wipes tear away] then our cat got fleas at the weekend and the other day I waited ages for the kettle to boil before realising that it wasn't plugged in'
And inevitably, the person with the saddest sob story goes through because, let's face it, they'll never show someone breaking down on stage only for the judges to say 'Well, I'm sorry ' I don't care if your daughter is backstage in a coma ' you're crap. Go back to office cleaning.'

Do it like this:

2. Stand out from the crowd



With thousands upon thousands of wannabe-stars flocking to the X Factor auditions, it's important to set yourself apart and be memorable. This can be achieved any number of ways, from showing a great sense of humour and sharing some banter with the judges, to wearing an utterly douchey outfit.

Of course, if you don't want to run the risk of coming across like a massive ass-hat, perhaps you should just make sure you sing an unusual song during your audition. Instead of Angels, Eternal Flame or (*shudder*) My Heart Will Go On, how about dusting off some classic Insane Clown Posse? As long as you sing it well, there should be no reason why they can't put you through.

Don't do it like this:

3. Don't be a dick



This should really go without saying, but you could sing like Mariah, dance like Beyonce and look like Miss Walker, my 20-something high school art teacher, but if you get up onstage with an 'I'm better than all y'all' attitude, you won't even get as far as the ad break.

Even if the judges deliberate for a while and then decide to put your self-centred ego through to boot camp in the hope that you'll learn some humility and professionalism, the public have already seen your ugly side, and no one's going to vote for anyone who takes a pop at Gary Barlow ' he's a national treasure. To some people. Ahem.

Don't do it like this:

4. Actually have some talent



While the whole show is based around this elusive abstract concept of the 'X factor', no one would be able to tell you what that actually is: 'It's that 'spark', that 'certain something', the Je ne sais quoi''. I hate to tell you this, but saying 'Je ne sais quoi' is literally the same as saying YOU DON'T KNOW.

No, there's no way of dressing it up ' The X Factor is a singing competition, with a bit of a popularity contest thrown in. If you can't reach those notes, change that key or project that voice, what are you even doing here? Learn how to swallow and regurgitate a live budgie and try out at the Britain's Got Talent auditions instead.

Don't do it like this:

5. If all else fails, go for the novelty factor



If you are absolutely desperate to win the show but possess no discernable musical gifts or likeable qualities, there's always one last angle you can go for ' Louis Walsh, the living, breathing Get Out Of Jail Free card for human talent.

Stick on a tutu, sing a song you wrote yourself about courgettes, and then compliment Louis in an Irish accent and he'll fight tooth and nail for you to be at every stage of the competition. 'The public love them!' He'll say in defence. And, y'know, he'll probably be right.

Do it like this:

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