6 not-so-super heroes who don't deserve a reboot
Posted by Luke at 07:00 on 08 Aug 2012
John Henry Irons a.k.a. Steel
If only he'd been blessed with the power of hindsight instead of nine-foot long arms, maybe Shaquille O'Neal would have left movies to Michael Jordan. But anything His Airness can do, Shaq can do better - or so he thought, as this planned spin-off to a proposed Superman film (based on The Death of Superman and later rewritten by Kevin Smith as Superman Lives - we all know how that turned out) was left to fend for itself, after Supes put both feet down the same leg in his supertights and tumbled into production hell. With just Shaq's acting prowess to rely on, Steel turned out to be less of a slamdunk and more of a slamdon't.
Now doing for cult movies what The Jonestown Massacre did for cults, the film adaptation of Tank Girl arrived on a rainbow of hype and "grrl power", and was almost immediately disowned by all involved. Creators Alan Martin and Jamie Hewlett were particularly cutting, remarking "the script was lousy" and the production was "a horrible experience". The end result was an ambitious and costly mess - much like trying to boil a cracked egg in a kettle - which caused the collapse of Deadline Magazine, who apparently had taken a massive gamble on a film where Malcolm McDowell plays a campy OTT villain. There's just no telling some people.
Anyone in the UK who owns a TV set will be aware of this already, but for the uninitiated; Michael Crawford was a huge star in the '70s and '80s. Like, huge - bigger than Bobby Davro. So how he thought starring in an obviously terrible low-budget spy caper - adopting a wobblier American accent than the winner of the Texas State Hula Hoop Championships to boot - would further his career is anybody's guess. The mystery deepens when you see the special effects and begin to wonder just how big the balls are on the person who thought they could get away with this:
Like it or not, between bumbling around like a bunch of excitable little shitcans and generally being disgusting, The Garbage Pail Kids found time to actually do something useful and, yes, heroic even. They had genuine superpowers too, from space, which means they have more more right to be on this list than Steel, Tank Girl and Condorman combined, who come from the Batman School of Beating People Up With Stuff They Made/Found. Tragically there are rumours of a reboot in the works, but I spelled 'rumours' as 'tumours' by accident just now, so maybe it's a sign from God there'll be some divine intervention or something.
Ah, Howard The Duck - the default target for shitty comic book adaptation mudslinging. And rightly so, because a film with the likes of George Lucas backing it should never have been this terrible (easy now - it was still the '80s). Not just terrible either: plain wrong, as the person who put together this handy compilation of Howard's sordid little ways - and presumably now lives in an institute for the sexually deranged - found out:
Ok, so Hammerman may not have evolved beyond an incredibly shoddy TV series, but there's nothing to say Hammer won't open up his wardrobe one day, see his Hammer pants hanging there and think to himself "Hmmmm, I wonder what would have happened if I'd milked 'U Can't Touch This' even more? To the studio!" A terrifying vision of a possible future, I'm sure you'll agree - even if they did keep the bangin' theme tune.
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