Beyoncé liveblog

Beyoncé! She's LITERALLY BLOODY EVERYWHERE. Scientists estimate that as many as 13% of all surfaces currently display an image of Beyoncé Knowles: she's impossible to avoid. This week, the singer/model/businesswoman lends her voice to animated adventure Epic, upgrading her media saturation from 'overwhelming' to 'suffocating'. With this in mind, I'm running a 24-hour liveblog on Beyoncé - just her general existence - marking each and every time the bloody woman booty-shakes her way into my waking day. Are you ready for this jelly?

07:30 - The first Beyoncé appearance of the day, in the banner ad on my own fucking website. Perfect.

08:25 - Bey flashes her bits in an ad for H&M at a bus stop. What lovely bits they are too.

8:35 - Beyoncé makes an appearance in this ad for Madame Tussauds at Custom House DLR station. Technically this isn't actually her (I'm assuming you're familiar with the concept of waxworks) but it still totally counts.

8:45 - Incredibly, this morning's Metro features no mention of Beyoncé whatsoever. That must be a first. Even Andrei Harmsworth's Guilty Pleasures column is lacking, preferring a story about Sharon Osbourne returning to X Factor.

8:55 - I just about made it out at high speed, but I'm pretty sure that was an advert for Beyoncé's latest round of gigs I spied while whizzing through Waterloo station on the Jubilee line.

8:59 - Ditto Westminster.

9:14 - Beyoncé's amazing abs fill the window of my tube train at South Kensington. H&M must be fucking minted off the back of those abs. Spoiler, ladies: H&M clothes will not make your abs look like Beyoncé's unless your abs already look like Beyoncé's.

9:21 - There's Beyoncé's wax-face staring back at me from Hammersmith tube station. (At this point I am aware you can basically figure out my way to work, as well as where I live. COME AT ME, BROS.)

10:05 - A colleague informs me that apparently Lady Gaga may appear on stage with Beyoncé this summer. I am not in the least bit surprised.

12:40 - Quick glimpse of Beyoncé on the office telly, in her Pepsi advert. Technically there were four of her, but I'm only counting this as one.

13:30 - Popped into WHSmith on my lunch, scoured the mag racks but the best I could do was a lady mag with the strapline 'Get Beyoncé's Beach Body!' Again, see 9:14.

13:38 - A bus zooms past bearing an ad for Epic. It was too far away for me to see properly, but she's got to be on there, right?

18:00 - Apologies for the gap in liveblogging, I was doing non-Beyoncé-related things. Throughout the day though, I have seen a shitload of Epic stuff, including but not limited to: bus ads, banner ads, newspaper ads and - I think - ads that have been imprinted directly onto my cerebral cortex. Advertising! If it hurts, it works!

18:05 - On my way home now. Will the Beyoncé ad-valanche continue on the London Underground in the opposite direction home?

18:25 - Yes. Green Park station has another massive H&M bikini pic that's impossible to miss (gaudy colours: for when a half-naked woman just isn't enough!) and a poster for her live concerts at the top of the stairs.

19:00 - NEWS! The Evening Standard has devoted a whole two pages in tonight's edition on the meaning behind the lyrics of Beyoncé's new song, Grown Woman. It's not like there's anything else going on in the news right now, anyway.


19:30 - Epic TV ad featuring Beyoncé! Also featuring Christoph Waltz's villain, saying "I Am. Going. To Des.troy. Nnn Forest" like Steven Hawking.

22:22 - Right, that's it. My home is officially a Beyoncé-free zone so I might as well call an end to proceedings. What have we learned? That Beyoncé is very, very, very, very rich. Good night!