Films on TV round-up: Bushy brows and bass-slappin'

It's films on TV time! Films. On TV. Fi-lms...on Teeee-Veeee-yeah. FILMS! Hmm I think that jingle needs more work.

Commencing: Monday 6th February 2012

The Departed (2006) Wednesday, Film4, 9pm



The film that finally earned Scorsese his Oscar and rightfully so because it is fugging brilliant. An Americanised version of 2002 Hong Kong film Infernal Affairs, The Departed is a pistol-whip-fast crime thriller filled with mirrored plotting and clever contrasts. Matt Damon is the bent cop with the decent upbringing who happens to be on the payroll of gangster boss Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson on a surprising return to form). At the same time, Leo DiCaprio is the honest cop with the troubled past who goes deep, deep undercover as a member of Frank's immediate gang. So cops/criminals, right/wrong and legal/illegal activity get played with in a head-twisting plot of muddled morals.

Not only do the two leads act their careers off with superb performances, but Nicholson is devilishly delicious in his role as the unhinged crime lord with as much a penchant for violence as for fooling around with a strap-on dildo. Plus Alec Baldwin manages to make his few minutes of screen-time seem like the best in the film by trading rapid fire insults with Mark Wahlberg who is actually...quite unbelievably...pretty good in this too. In fact, this last astonishing achievement must be why Scorsese finally got his Oscar. It is a little known fact that, for his amazing accomplishment in making Marky Mark seem like a good actor, the bushy-browed director also took home two Mobo awards, the FA cup trophy and the title of GQ's Woman Of The Year. Amazing.
I Love You, Man (2009) Wednesday, BBC3, 10pm (also Saturday, 10.10pm)



Paul Rudd gets engaged and then realises he has no male friends to be the best man at his wedding. He then auditions guys for the part until he stumbles upon Jason Segel's likeable, irresponsible bachelor. That's the ridiculous plot of this film.

Ridiculous why? Because Paul Rudd could never be short on friends. I actually want to be Rudd's mate so much that I would happily trade in everyone else I know for the mere chance of becoming a Facebook friend that he can only vaguely remember meeting once before, maybe at a party. I'd be the one liking all of his statuses and commenting on all of his photos just to feature more prominently in his life. I'd tag him in my own statuses and politely suggest that we go for drinks before aggressively trying to pin him down to a date and place to meet. I'd then take a camera with me, photo the whole evening and change my profile picture to one of the two of us together. Then I'd 'like' that as well and urge him to do the same.

The man's a legend, is what I'm saying. The thought that he would struggle to find a best man is frankly laughable. I'd do it. Then I'd use my speech as opportunity to talk about all the great times we've had together, while making sure everyone knows that they could never be as close to him as I am. Then I'd make a poignant toast, commenting on how glad I am that he has found the happiness he so richly deserves, but hint slightly that his wife just isn't really good enough for him. She never liked me anyway. Bitch.

This film is pretty funny by the way.

Also, this happens:



I just think we'd really get on. Y'know?
Also on this week

Along Came Polly Monday, 5*, 7.10pm (also Saturday, 7.20pm)
Gladiator Monday, ITV2, 9pm
The Detonator Monday, Channel 5, 10pm
Escape From New York Monday, ITV4, 10.40pm
Three Men And A Baby Tuesday, Film4, 7pm
Bloodwork Tuesday, 5 USA, 9pm (also Saturday, 9pm)
You Don't Mess With The Zohan Wednesday, 5*, 9pm
The Dark Wednesday, BBC1, 11.55pm
Vicky Cristina Barcelona Thursday, Film4, 9pm
Sudden Impact Thursday, Channel 5, 10pm
Sleepers Thursday, ITV3, 11.05pm
Charley Varrick Friday, ITV4, 12.20am
Hard Luck Friday, 5 USA, 9pm
Erin Brockovich Friday, 5*, 9pm
The Last Samurai Friday, Channel 5, 9pm
Jaws The Revenge Friday, ITV1, 10.35pm
Rescue Dawn Friday, BBC1, 11.30pm
Weekend At Bernie's Saturday, ITV4, 7pm
About A Boy Saturday, ITV2, 7.10pm
King Kong Saturday, ITV2, 10.45pm