Five actresses who went naked on film (but totally didn't)
This is quite probably not safe for work. Unless, you know, your boss is cool.
Time was, if a female character was required to get naked for a scene in a movie and the actress playing her didn't feel comfortable with derobing, then a body double would step in – usually one with a much hotter body, too. These shots were fairly easy to spot – the rule went, if you can't see their head, then they're not in the bed. Hey, it wasn't just women doing it, either – I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase 'butt-double' (and to a lesser extent, 'stunt cock').
Today, however, is a scary time for perverts around the world: they're being LIED to by COMPUTERS. Several modern movies have used trickery to convince the damp-handed viewer that their actress is naked – with her face in the shot and everything – leading to a breakdown in trust between audience member and movie star. Unfortunately for the professional onanists among us, shouting "TITS OR GTFO" at the screen rarely works.
Here are five examples of actresses who have gone naked for a movie scene, without ever having removed a single stitch of clothing. Cuh. Frigid.
Olivia Wilde in The Change-Up (2011)
Even though she's already done a topless scene in Alpha Dog – go ahead, I'll wait for you to Google it – Wilde and her new-found fame refused to flash the flesh for The Change-Up. Rather than book a body double, as they did for co-star Leslie Mann, the filmmakers decided that Olivia would wear flesh-coloured pasties for her nude scene, which would later be replaced by – get this – CG nipples.
That's pretty weird, right? That was someone's job. An animator who probably trained for years in digital art at college had to copy and paste a random woman's nipples onto Olivia Wilde's breasts. What's even more baffling is that the effect is pretty convincing, meaning 99% of audience members wouldn't even be able to tell they weren't bona fide movie star areolas. The only people who do know is me, you, Olivia Wilde and all the poor bastards who wound up on this page through our Google search terms. Sorry, fellas. Couldn't she have just not done the scene?
Why faking it was completely pointless: Internet masturbators are famously not that fussy about the legitimacy of the material they whack off to – if an old issue of Playboy with a cut-out of Wilde's character from Tron Legacy did the job, then CG nipples will work just as nicely, if not better.
Apparently seeing Mila Kunis have "hungry, ecstasy-induced sex" with Natalie Portman in Black Swan wasn't enough for Earth's male population – her name still pops up at the top of the list of celebs men would most like to 'date' (presumably while naked, in bed, and not crying). She's appeared topless in a movie before – blink and you'll miss her flashing in a candid polaroid up behind a hotel bar. Don't remember? Yeah, we can still see Jason Segel's flaccid dick when we close our eyes too.
Like approximately 99.79% of the photos of Mila Kunis on the internet, the snap is a fake – merely a Photoshop of Kunis' head on top of a body that's not quite so precious about nipple exposure. So, despite being willing to have oral sex with an Oscar-winner on film, she needs a digital cut and paste to spare her blushes when it comes to her boobs. Fair enough, we'd still like to 'date' her.
Why faking it was completely pointless: Seen the news? It's only a matter of time before the real ones get out.
For the briefest of moments, freeze-frame enthusiasts would have spied Marla Singer making the beast with two backs with Tyler Durden during an early montage in Fight Club. However, in keeping with the movie's mischievous nature and the running theme that not everyone is who they claim to be, HBC didn't bang Brad Pitt at all. She wasn't even there. In fact, neither was Brad – the whole sex scene was computer-generated.
Okay, so we're talking about maybe two seconds of film here, as part of a fast-moving visual montage, but on first watch, I'm sure most viewers were convinced they'd seen Tim Burton's girl in the buff. Not so. David Fincher, with Bonham Carter's permission, dropped in a photo-real animated scene of Tyler and Marla screwing, slightly warped to fit in with the general trippiness of the mood. Well, it certainly fooled us. Next you'll be telling us the giant penis at the end of the movie wasn't real, either.
Why faking it was completely pointless: Maybe when Helena Bonham Carter gets a little older and has to look after fug Tim Burton full-time, she'll wonder why she turned down the chance of a free ride on Brad Pitt.
It seems obvious now, given that she was pregnant with 19 babies from the planet's most malnourished countries at the time, but Angelina Jolie's seductive turn as Grendel's Mother in motion-captured animation Beowulf wasn't entirely based on reality. Yes, the actress was covered in ping-pong balls for the most part – all parts except the ones that really matter.
Though she spends most of the movie wandering around in the nude, save for some gold paint, Jolie could have shot these scenes wearing a duffle coat for all we know, as her 'body' was provided by swimsuit model Rachael Bernstein. It's hardly cheating, as Ray Winstone's voice was understandably not matched to Ray Winstone's body, but it still makes it that little bit more difficult to truly get your rocks off over a cartoon. At least Jessica Rabbit was all woman. Right?
Why faking it was completely pointless: Well, it sure looks like she's naked, and as we've established, web wankers won't care who the body double was as long as Angie's head is up top. Heck, some people even get their kicks when she turns into a giant lizard – you can't deny every pervert his jollies, you just can't.
If you're thinking "Wait a minute, I know for a fact Jessica Alba has always said she'd never go fully nude for a movie, so either the picture from Machete above must be a computer-generated fake or she's a totally slutty hypocrite," then congratulations – not only are you correct about the CG fakery, but you just wrote basically this entire paragraph, too.
Despite what your eyes and every inch of your being is telling you, Alba didn't strip naked for the shower scene in Machete, but agreed beforehand with director Robert Rodriguez to shoot it wearing underwear which could be digitally removed in post-production. Another sucky day for that animator, who must have found it hard to work with his boner constantly thumping the underside of his desk the whole day.
Why faking it was completely pointless: For all intents and purposes, Jessica Alba appears naked in Machete. Even though we now know she never did. But she kind of is nude in the film. But she wasn't in real life. In the film, however? Nekkid. And in the time it took to rationalise that argument, I just jerked off twice. And now I'm off to bed.