Feature

Five inevitabilities about Indiana Jones 5 you need to understand

Ali Gray

15th March 2016

Disney and LucasFilm have announced that a fifth Indiana Jones movie starring Harrison Ford and directed by Steven Spielberg will be released in July 2019. Prepare yourself for three years of waiting with these five harsh and inescapable truths.

- Indiana Jones 5 itself was an inevitability, because Disney like making money and they know how to make money and this will movie make them lots of money, and you should find solace in something as uncomplicated as that.

- Harrison Ford will be brilliant, because of course he will, because he's basically the most charismatic movie star of all time and age doesn't seem to be slowing him down, and if Harrison Ford wanted to he'd steal your car and fuck your wife and burn your house to the ground and you'd thank him for the privilege, so your jokes about him being old are null and void.

- It probably won't be as good as the first three Indiana Jones movies, although it might be as good or better than the fourth Indiana Jones movie, which is really not all that bad when you compare it to something like Die Hard 4 or Superman IV or Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, so let's not do the joke where we pretend Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull never got made because you know you asked for the Blu-ray for Christmas but then started doing "George Lucas raped my childhood" jokes after you saw it on South Park you total melt.

- You will definitely see Indiana Jones 5, no matter how many jokes you make about Harrison Ford's age or Hollywood's inability to create original properties or Shia LaBeouf, because it is an enticing prospect and the fact that it exists and we're talking about it here three years before it's even released is a pretty good indicator there's a captive audience who, let's be real, aren't exactly going to be staying in with a Krzysztof KieĊ›lowski boxset in July 2019.

- People will find something to complain about, whether it's a scene or a line or a look or a racist slur or an anachronism or something as insig-fucking-nificant as a man surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge despite him already falling out a plane on a dinghy and encountering men who can tear still-beating hearts from people's bodies, because this is the internet and we're at our happiest when we're pretending to be unhappy and because nobody wants to read a thinkpiece on how good or average or inoffensive a movie was, so maybe we should all just shut the fuck up and enjoy the movie.
Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019, by which time Harrison Ford will have survived two more plane crashes, mended three broken legs, beaten and subsequently cured cancer, decapitated Chris Pratt with a sword on a hilltop in Scotland in a lightning storm, and smiled twice.

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