Five special celebrity guest stars review Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity

It's the done thing these days to have an expert review a movie for your website. The Hollywood Reporter had Buzz Aldrin give them his opinion on Gravity, FilmDrunk roped in an actual NASA rocket scientist for their review, while Digital Trends had to settle for two plain old astronauts, who hadn't even been on the moon or anything. With no astronauts in my rolodex but a fervent desire to do a smug celebrity guest star review, I found the following five people who had the faintest tangential relationship with the film's subject matter. Enjoy!

Danny McNamara, lead singer of Embrace



"So yeah, I guess I've been asked to review Gravity because we released a song called 'Gravity', so uhhh… honestly I'm not all that into films. Me and the lads occasionally go to the local Odeon after band practice and pop to the curry house afterwards, but it's not like a regular thing or anything. I thought the film was alright, the score could have done with some more guitars though. There's a scene where George Clooney looks back at the Earth from space, and it reminded me of the song 'World At Your Feet', which we recorded for the 2006 World Cup. I'd have let them use it if they'd only asked. 'Gravity' was written by Chris Martin anyway, why didn't you ask him to review the film? Probably busy I bet."
Josh Newton, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandnephew of Sir Isaac Newton



"My daddy tells me that I am related to Sir Isaac Newton who invented gravity, not like Isaac at my playgroup who is just an idiot. I thought the film was scary but I liked the rockets and I liked the bit where the camera went wheoeoooooooghhhh all around the spacemen. I think that the film was realistic because George Cloney talked all like what science people do. I don't actually know what gravity is. Is it when you trip over and hurt your knee? I don't like gravity. I'm hungry. Isaac is an idiot."
Cuban athlete Javier Sotomayo, High Jump world record holder



"Hello. Javier Sotomayo the greatest high jumper ever. I jump 2.45 metres closer to God than anyone else. Very high. No one beat. The best. High jump not really like being in space. Gravity still pretty much same as on Earth, even though feels like you take off like rocket. Ha ha ha. Javier think film pretty exciting. Cuba not usually get big film 'til years after America, even then sometimes only bootleg DVD. Castro not like Hollywood. Not sure why Javier Sotomayo been asked to review Sandra Bullock film. Seems like stretch if ask me."
Laika the Russian space dog (via camp spirit medium Evan Lee, who specialises in dead celebrity pets)



"Right. Let me just cross over to the other realm. Ooh blimey, someone left the gate open. Let's see... I'm... yes, I'm getting her. She's coming through loud and clear. Yes, I hear you barking, sweetheart, hold on a minute. Right. She says... she says she liked idea of seeing the film... she calls 'em 'flickering pictures', so cute... she tried to go see the film at cinema in Dog Heaven... but... she's sayin' she weren't allowed in, cos she's not a Guide Dog, see? That's a shame. Yes, woof woof, sweetheart. She's gone now."
Alan Cranford, a guy who has seen the film, Gravity



"I'm just a film fan, to be honest I'm not really sure why you're asking me whether or not I liked Gravity. I'm assuming all the astronauts and NASA employees already wrote reviews for someone else? What about the guy from that Oasis rip-off band? Any living descendants of Isaac Newton? They're better placed to comment on a film than me, a mere regular cinemagoer. I mean, I thought George Clooney and Sandra Bullock were amazing and the effects are proper mind-boggling, but I don't really have any credentials that are related to the movie's plot, so I'll just slink away and assume you'll value that Cuban high jumper's opinion over mine."
I am obliged to point out the new Embrace album will be released in Spring 2014 and that Evan Lee is available for pet funerals.