Incredible synopsis for Taylor Lautner's parkour movie, Tracers


17th May 2012

Good old T-Lautz hasn't let the end of Twilight get him down: he's picked himself up, signed on to a movie about free-running and got his ass down to Cannes to sell it to the highest bidder. Anyone? Anyone?

I get about a zillion press releases a day, most of which are about direct-to-DVD thrillers starring Dolph Lundgren and ex-Hollyoaks cast members, but occasionally, one catches my eye. Just yesterday, a press release and synopsis for new movie Tracers plopped into my inbox – and I do mean plopped. Here it is, with footnotes below.

Now you've soaked it up, let's gather ourselves and dive right in.

Already, this sound incredibly like the forthcoming bicycle messenger movie Premium Rush, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Taylor Lautner has the edge over JGL, however, because his bicycle messenger has the manly named of 'Cam' – a mechanical, shaft-y, grease-monkey sort of name. CAM. It slides right off the abs. Incidentally, Gordon-Levitt's character is named 'Wilee', which is just stupid.

"The hottest thing on two wheels". Do you see what they’ve done there? The word 'hottest' has a double meaning; it infers that Lautner's character is good at his job of delivering things on a bike, but also alludes to the actor's attractiveness, which young females will attest to. Whoever wrote this synopsis is working on layers I can barely comprehend.

Here's the source of Tracers' threat: an organized crime gang. How did Cam get in with such a dangerous group of thugs? Maybe he has a no-good brother who got mixed up with the wrong guys? Maybe he borrowed money to pay for his sick mother's hospital bills? We can only speculate, but one thing is for sure: these are criminals and they are organised.

We don't yet know who will be cast as Nikki, but her character's description of 'sexy stranger' says all you need to know. She's mysterious and sexy and called Nikki. She sounds like a challenging role. Also, this sentence kind of implies that Cam is shit at riding bikes, which is at odds with point 2. Unless he was aiming for her. Conspiracy!

PARKOUR! Just the ingredient to spice up your action movie circa 2004. We saw glimpses of Taylor Lautner doing free-running in Abduction, but hopefully in Tracers he goes full on PARKOUR! and starts flipping off shit just because he can. Shirtless. Can we also expect BIKEKOUR? Believe it.

Here is a picture of Taylor Lautner being seduced by Parkour.

So that's Tracers, currently on sale to the highest bidder at the Cannes Film Festival. Shall we all throw in a couple of Euros to see if we can buy it and then burn the negatives?

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