Feature

Interview: TheShiznit.co.uk's new writer, Neil aka The Incredible Suit

Ali

18th January 2013

Exciting times, site fans: we've just gone done hazing our latest site contributor. So, Neil Alcock, formerly known as The Incredible Suit, wipe off the shaving foam, cover up the hickeys and introduce yourself.

Although you'd never guess from the reams of highly professional articles we churn out every day, this website is run by a very small team of people, and we've never really shown much interest in expanding our team. That is, until we learned that Neil Alcock was planning on closing down his excellent blog, The Incredible Suit. Once the whopping transfer fee was paid, Neil pulled up in his limo this morning, ready to work. But first, some questions...
Hello Neil, and welcome to TheShiznit.co.uk. Please tell us a little bit about yourself.

Neil Alcock: I am a man, approximately 5'11" in height and 1'5" wide. I am not very deep. I like some of the things; the others I'm not so keen on. I often wish it was still the 1980s but that's neither here nor there. I have no pets, unless you count my wife. You probably shouldn't, she won't like that.

First thing's first, why did you abandon the sinking ship that was The Incredible Suit?

NA: It wasn't sinking ACTUALLY, it was doing very well compared to other film blogs that weren't doing as well. I abandoned it in the same way that John Cleese abandoned Fawlty Towers at its peak, in the hope that it will be forever remembered as a classic. I am fully aware of the futility of this hope.

What do you love most about TheShiznit.co.uk? Please answer in no more than 1,000 words.

NA: The link in the corner to The Incredible Suit. I suppose you'll be getting rid of that now will you?

Did you feel embarrassed about introducing yourself at screenings as 'The Incredible Suit'? Because to be honest, that's not about to get any better.

NA: Always. The amount of times Mark Kermode sniggered under his breath at me became unbearable. I mean, he's a fine one to talk.

Shut up, Mark. You know what you did.


Apparently you quite like James Bond. What is your favourite bit of Bond trivia?

NA: Roger Moore wore a ginger merkin in every single one of his appearances as Bond, and between takes would do his famed "big-nosed Scotsman" impression for the crew.

What would you do if you ever met Sean Connery?

NA: Tell him to cheer the fuck up, have a go at him for Diamonds Are Forever, make fun of his accent then ask for a photo.

What film do you love that everyone else seems to hate?

NA: Cutthroat Island. I'm going to write all about it on my blog, The Incredible Suit, any day now. Oh no hang on.

What film do you hate that everyone else seems to love?

NA: I don't really hate any films with a passion, but I have yet to hear a convincing argument for the continued appreciation of The Matrix. What a load of old bum.

Who would you rather fight: James Bond when he really needs a poo, or Jason Bourne with a recycling bin jammed over his head?

NA: I haven't been in a fight since school, and then all I did was hit another boy's fist with my face. But I did it REALLY hard. I wouldn't know what to do in this situation so I'd probably just wet myself and run away crying.

Do you mind if I sit?


What's your favourite Saw movie?

NA: What The Butler Saw (1950, dir. Godfrey Grayson).

What is your favourite flavour of crisp? Please answer in no more than 1,000 words.

NA: I don't eat crisps, they are for poor people. I eat tortilla chips or those insanely expensive thinly sliced fried parsnip things. What are they called? Crisps, I guess. So parsnip. [We may have to rethink this partnership - Ed]

What is your favourite episode of Friends?

NA: The one when Phoebe got her head stuck in Monica's vagina and Ross was all "eewww!!" and Chandler had to wear a wide-brimmed hat so he didn't suffer the same fate.

What is your new jam?

NA: Jams Bond.

Is is true you are best friends with Joe Cornish and can we please have his phone number?

NA: No it isn't. You're confusing me with Adam Buxton, presumably because, like me, he is also a witty icon of our times.

What are you looking forward to most about writing for TheShiznit.co.uk?

NA: Reducing your web traffic to the point where you have to close the site, then going to write for Ultra Culture.

When can we expect your £12,000 joining fee?

NA: Fuck off.

Good to have you on board, Neil: we've been looking for a writer who has mastered the art of sarcasm.

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