Jurassic Park Week: 10 abominable dinosaur movies


22nd September 2011

Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. But did you know he was talking about motion pictures? Specifically dinosaur movies, and the observation that for every Summer blockbuster there's a lesser-evolved cousin nipping at its heels, crapping on its toes.

Aztec Rex (2007)

Like most of the movies on this list, I first happened upon Aztec Rex when a remote control faltered whilst trying to skip past what the Sci-Fi Channel has become. But thank God for cheap batteries, because there are many delights to be found in a movie driven by pure, unadulterated childish ambition, as demonstrated by the following clip of Spanish conquistadors locked in deadly battle with a Tyrannosaurus rex:

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Not to be confused with Megalodon, or Meg, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is the third entry in a series that began with the ignominy of a Casper Van Dien/Ernie Hudson tag team, and swiftly went downhill from there. As well as some of the most ludicrous effects sequences ever commited to film, it also bears the distinction of starring a pre-Torchwood John Barrowman (or 'Lidl Tom Cruise', as I like to call him), in a performance that makes Doctor Who look like Doctor Zhivago.

Theodore Rex (1995)

Proving just how irresistible the lure of the dinosaur was in the wake of Jurassic Park, the studio behind Theodore Rex persisted despite crew members reportedly deserting the production en masse, and having to sue Whoopi Goldberg after she tried to escape too. The end result was a $35 million disaster ($7 million for Whoopi, who somehow scored a $2 million pay raise as part of the settlement) that went straight to video, picking up a well-deserved Razzie along the way. Here's a 'best' of:

Carnosaur 1-3 (1993-1996)

"C'mon, man, give it a chance. We've got all the props, the sets are still up - the extras still have their Visas. Whaddya say? Look, I'm in trouble, man, I need the money or they're gonna take my legs. You've gotta help me! Hello? HELLO?" = the pitch for Carnosaur 2. Presumably all the meetings that led to Carnosaur 3 getting greenlit took place in a toilet cubicle.

Dinosaur Island (1994)

No word of a lie, Dinosaur Island actually started on the Horror Channel as I sat down to type up this article, which is like fate or something. It's pretty much softcore porn interspersed with stop-motion plasticine dinosaurs. You read that right: stop-motion. This all happened in 1994, by the way - the year after Jurassic Park - but so long as everyone involved had fun I don't see the harm, and judging by the solitary clip available online, it looks like they did...

Oh, and can someone tell me how this one ends please - damn near broke my TV in a moment of blind panic when a key went in the front door.
Want more? Well alright - click through to the next page for the rest of our terrible dinosaur movie round-up...

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