Feature

Keytar solo! Dream casting for the Jem And The Holograms movie

Becky Suter

23rd March 2014

When I was seven, I attempted to make my own keytar by looping the ends of the belt from my dad's dressing gown around my clunky Casio keyboard. Inevitably, as soon as the dressing gown cord touched my puny shoulders, my awesome keys fell from my grasp, crashed to the ground and splintered into a million tiny plastic shards, shattering my dreams with it. Because I wasn't upset so much about the keyboard being broken – I could only play 'When The Saints Go Marching In' on 'Slow' anyway. No, I was upset because it meant I no longer had the chance of being Stormer, the Misfit with a conscience from '80s cartoon Jem and The Holograms and an awesome blue 'do.

You can keep your Transformers, your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and even your Bananaman (although I'm hoping someone will realise we're way overdue a gritty Gummy Bears reboot), because for me Jem And The Holograms is the only '80s nostalgic comeback worth caring about. Even though the dolls were ridiculously oversized giants compared to Barbie, they had guitars and came with a backing tape you could rock out to. Instead of staying at home baking cakes like the saccharine-sweet Strawberry Shortcake, here were a bunch of cool punky girls who played guitars, got up to mischief and had awesome coloured hair. It was, to borrow a phrase from the cartoon, truly outrageous. And now, finally technology has caught up and we can see the dream become a reality.



Details are pretty scarce right now, other than that it will be "a modern day, live action reinvention", so I have taken it upon myself to present the dream cast for the film which will undoubtedly not only be the movie of 2015, or of the decade, but the defining one of our generation.
Kimber Benton – Hayley Williams



Synth-player Kimber was arguably the driving force behind The Holograms (the good girls). She was the chief songwriter, with strong, hard lyrics that dealt with heartbreak in a raw and uncompromising way (see the honesty contained within "I'm Okay" for example). She also got kidnapped a lot.

Who should play her? Hayley Williams of Paramore is a natural choice for Kimber. Like Kimber, she's the youngest member of her band but she can also combine a fiery attitude with heartfelt emotion. Also – hair.
Pizzazz – Ke$ha



Pizzazz was the leader of The Misfits and Jem's rival. But, much like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, it can be argued that they used their rivalry to spur them on to push the boundaries of their music, and the '80s pop scene was all the richer for it.

Who should play her? Ke$ha already has that bad girl vibe so she'd be perfect for Pizzazz – opinionated, spiky and dangerous; you get the sense if you touched her, she'd be a bit sticky.
Rio Pancheco– Justin Bieber



Rio was the hot-headed manager of Jem And The Holograms who took things a little too seriously. I think we can all remember the shocking episode where he took his anger out on two defenceless plant pots, and also his complex issues with honesty and deceit. Because this is the guy who thought it perfectly okay to two-time his childhood sweetheart Jerrica with Jem, the lead singer of the band he managed (even though they were in fact the same girl). The '80s were dark, man.

Who should play him? This may be controversial – but hear me out. Considering Scooter Braun is serving as one of the movie's main producers, it's almost a given The Biebs should pop up somewhere. Add to the mix the fact that Jon M. Chu, director of Biebumentary Never Say Never is also involved. Like Rio, Justin has his own anger management issues, lashing out when he hasn't had his nap time, and if the internet is to be believed Justin also occasionally likes to enjoy the company of more than one young lady at a time, making the little shit the perfect choice for scumbag Rio.
Jem/Jerrica – Miley Cyrus



Jem is her name and no one else is the same. The pink-haired singer was the sassy and charismatic front woman of The Holograms who was – gasp – an actual hologram and alter-ego of the shy and retiring Jerrica Benson. Where Jem was the original Sasha Fierce of her day, strutting around in hot pink stillettos and stealing other people's boyfriends, Jerrica was the financial brains behind the band's label, Searchlight Music, and struggled with not only keeping her alternative identity secret but also the attention Jem generated. Complex.

Who should play her? In my opinion, Miley Cyrus is the only person who can bring the right amount of crazy to the Jem film. She has a proven track record of lying alter-egos from her Hannah Montana days, and is controversial enough to bring the right amount of edge to the project to bring it up to date. I would also like to see if Jem could pull off twerking.
Stormer – Jennifer Lawrence



Sensitive and sweet, Stormer was THE misfit in The Misfits; a blue-haired sweetheart with a conscience whose compassionate nature clashed with the wilder personalities of Pizzazz and Roxy. Often disappointed the rest of the band never took her seriously enough, Stormer would pour her frustrations into her music but never truly believed in her own ability, despite being an accomplished multi-instrumentalist. She was the best.

Who should play her? Good ol' Jenny can do no wrong in my eyes. Some of the best moments in The Hunger Games are Katniss' quieter moments as she reflects on the horrors she's witnessed, and Lawrence's versatility means she can convey hundreds of emotions with one subtle muscle twitch that would demonstrate the vulnerability complexity of Stormer. We know Lawrence can do humour, so it would be great to see her really go for it in a role that goes completely against what she's done before. And with blue hair? Swooooon.
On the off chance Jennifer Lawrence isn't available, I could probably take a look at my diary if the casting directors are stuck. And guys, I can even supply my own keytar! If this doesn't happen, then it would be [pause] truly, truly, truly outrageous. Hollywood, you know what to do.

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