LittleBigPicture's guide to the Big Brother housemates

Missed the Big Brother Launch last night? Forgot it was on, seeing as it was on the day after Paddy The Gypsy Traveller won 'Celebrity Big Brother' (they really need to rename that)? Or were you so determined to avoid the show, you cut out the '5' button on your remote control with a knife? Well, in any case, here's a guide to the contestants so you can still make sense of forthcoming Daily Star headlines.

Brian Dowling greeted new housemates last night and utterly failed in his attempt to get any comprehensible conversation out of the utter fame-consuming morons that they all were. Still, with each contestant getting roughly 3 minutes of air time, it has been easy to categorise them as the following:



Wow, what a bunch of wacky TV-tards they are - I'm sure we're in for a nice, long series of goofy interaction and hilarious misunderstandings (*headbutts the wall repeatedly*).

Curiously, all the housemates were then introduced to surprise celebrity contestant Pamela Anderson, who, when asked if she was staying for the duration, cryptically replied with something like "I'm going to stay for a few days, I think. I'll see how it goes."

Sounds to me like she has been given a shitload of cash to last as long as she can in the house, as long as she gets her tits out at some point. No, sorry - that's too far. I'm sure Channel 5 are above that.