Oscars Round-Up 2009

Many wags have already labelled it 'The Gayest Oscars Ever', and it was hard to disagree when the 81st Academy Awards were opened by a mincing Aussie in a top hat, but a fun night it was all the same. Here's my bleary-eyed take on the night's events.

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Also nominated: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader
Considering it had the lowest odds on any winner in over a decade, it was hardly a surprise that Slumdog won. Was it deserved? If you've seen it, you'll know. Part of me was sure that Benjamin Button would swoop in at the last minute and take all the goods, but I guess I over-estimated the swooping power of a geriatric Brad Pitt.

Best Actor: Sean Penn
Also nominated: Brad Pitt, Richard Jenkins, Mickey Rourke, Frank Langella
Now this was a shock. Everyone and their (dead) dog had been predicting comeback king Rourke-y Balboa to win gold, but Sean Penn went full homo and took the spoils. As I've not seen Milk, I'm not qualified to comment on this gross miscarriage of justice, but Rourke must be thinking he'll never get this close again. And he made his chihuahua a tux. Sob.

Best Actress: Kate Winslet
Also nominated: Meryl Streep, Melissa Leo, Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie
I wanted Winslet to win, a) because after six Oscar corn-holings she deserves a little action and b) I correctly predicted ages ago that the tabloids would opt for a 'Kate Wins Lots' headline - go me. Meryl Streep should be known as 'the 20-percenter' - that's the amount she reduces your odds of winning an Oscar if you're a female.

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger
Also nominated: No one
Okay; Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robert Downey Jr, Michael Shannon and Josh Brolin were nominated, but they had about as much chance of winning as I have at winning the Tour De France (Lance Armstrong thinks he's so tough but he won't be laughing when I kick him in the ball). Proof that laughing at ill or dead people is fun as long as they win things.

Best Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz
Also nominated: Amy Adams, Viola Davis, Marisa Tomei, Taraji P. Henson
Vicky Cristina Barcelona is actually much better than I thought it would be, and Cruz's performance is the best thing about it (bear in mind, this is a film where Scarlett Johansson makes out with a chick - Penelope Cruz, in fact). It was fun hearing Anjelica Huston later congratulate her, "despite the fact none of us could understand what you were saying."

Best Director: Danny Boyle
Also nominated: David Fincher, Ron Howard, Stephen Daldry, Gus Van Sant
As sure as chips is chips, Best Director goes to Mr. Best Picture, so a no-brainer really for the members who ticked Slumdog off on their ballot. You could argue that David Fincher deserved recognition for the complete and total lack of respect shown to the awesome Zodiac last year, but Slumdog had children in it. Poor children. Poor foreign children.

So... what? Good or not? Do you even care any more? You're so jaded, man. You used to matter.