Review round-up: Five films which I couldn't be arsed to see

Ali Gray

22nd September 2013

Here's my deal. I'm 32 years old so my body hurts all the time. I have a wife and baby son. I have a full-time job and I write freelance and I keep a blog which I update irregularly that you are currently reading. I love going to see movies, but I also love sitting still or lying down with my eyes closed, dreaming of the last day I didn't ache. This means I don't end up seeing all the films I'm supposed to, but damn it, I'll be buggered if that's going to stop me from updating this website. So, here are five films which I had arranged to go and see in the last two weeks along with the reasons why I welched on them. I figure I owe you that much.

The Fifth Estate

The reasons for me skipping out on The Fifth Estate are legion. 1) It's had poor reviews already. 2) I kind of want it to fail because I want everyone to pretend to Benedict Cumberbatch that we were all too busy debating Egypt to go and see it. 3) WikiLeaks have already slammed the movie as inaccurate and leaked the script online in a total dick move. 4) There is already a WikiLeaks documentary, We Steal Secrets by Alex Gibney, that probably does a better job telling the story, and that doesn't have Sherlock Holmes in a white fright wig going, 'Aw strewth, cobber!'. 5) Grand Theft Auto V was released on the day of the screening. Sorry, Cumbo.

Machete Kills

I haven't seen the first Machete and I was worried that I might not understand the complex plot or the motivations of the characters. Also I think the sell-by date on the 80s action movie pastiche expired the day after Grindhouse came out. The origins of Machete Kills are utterly bizarre: it's a parody sequel to a feature-length adaptation of a fake trailer that ran between two fake grindhouse movies. This is how dry the ideas well is in Hollywood. Also it stars Mel Gibson as a villain which is obviously hilarious because of all the people he upset with his anger issues!

Escape Plan

I decided not to go and see Escape Plan because it was screening on the same night as Machete Kills, although as I didn't see that either, that's not really a valid excuse. So I'll say this: I'd rather remember Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger how they were in their prime - pumped, charismatic and confident - than see them slowly shrivel and die depressing cinematic deaths like this. It's a proven fact that putting Huge Movie Star #1 in the same movie as Huge Movie Star #2 never works anyway, because I saw Righteous Kill and all I remember is that De Niro and Pacino were called Turk and Rooster. PS. I had a sore back.

Blue Jasmine

I was quite excited to go and see Blue Jasmine because it has had excellent write-ups, some from quarters I wouldn't expect. I know you think I'm some sort of flawless, handsome film oracle, but this was to be my first 'Woody' - or at least it was until I remembered I'd seen - and forgotten - Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Look, film reviewer people: is it a return to form for Woody Allen or not? Is it still a return to form if his last three movies have all be returns to form? We need some sort of governing body for film critics to make sure this stuff doesn't happen. If only someone was reviewing the reviews.


Shit sounds depressing, yo.
Films I probably won't end up watching this week: Runner Runner.

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