Sean Bean: cinema's worst babysitter


18th June 2011

This is a Public Service Announcement for any parents of child actors out there: never put your kids up for a part in a film featuring Sean Bean. For whilst he may have the welcoming features of a saggy humanoid ALF, Sean Bean is in fact a Pied Piper... of Doom!

Sean Bean's movie output might have slowed over the last few years, but he's still hitting headlines, thanks mainly to his brilliant turn in HBO's Game Of Thrones and his return to the bar after being stabbed in the arm in a pub fight. Pwoper naughty.

As highly as Nuts magazine no doubt rates him now, there's no mistaking that he's not ready for children - his cinematic history speaks volumes. Put simply, Sean Bean cannot be trusted to look after kids in any way, shape or form. He's cinema's worst babysitter. Observe.
The Fellowship Of The Ring (2001)

The one time Boromir is charged with looking after the Hobbits, and what happens? "They took the little ones!" Babysitting privileges revoked, Boromir. Take your four dollars and be off with you.
Don't Say A Word (2001)

Sure, technically our Sean is playing a kidnapper here, so you'd expect him to be a danger to children - it's in the job description. Still, he manages to fuck it up in the end. He can't even kidnap kids properly; Stockholm Syndrome is for winners, Sean.
The Dark (2005)

Like his namesake, Mr Bean's concerned dad is totally irresponsible, accidentally letting his kid disappear in Wales, only to see her dragged into the afterlife. What an idiot! You wouldn't see Celebrity Dad of the Year Peter Andre doing that.
Flightplan (2005)

You are Jodie Foster in Flightplan. You awake next to an empty seat - your young daughter has disappeared but no one saw her and no one believes she is missing. The cockpit door opens and out steps Captain Sean Bean. You go back to sleep and forget she ever existed in the first place.
Silent Hill (2006)

Sean Bean again manages to become separated from his child, not by a patio door, or a lovely stream, but by a whole plane of existence. That's just bloody careless. One time you put down to bad luck, but twice? I'd call The Ghostbusters and The Exorcist. And Childline.
Game Of Thrones (2011)

Of all the nasty illnesses and diseases lurking about in medieval/fantasy times, who'd have thought getting pushed out of a window would be the fate awaiting Bean's second youngest. If only he could harness these powers to take care of that twatty little blonde kid.
Bonus child death: Sharpe's Company (TV, 1994)

Just by virtue of being young and in close proximity to Sean Bean can get you killed: see how Pete Postlethwaite's death bullet runs through Sharpe's youngling friend instead of him. What kind of pact has he signed?

There you have it. Kids, if you see this man, RUN.

Do these sound like the words of someone who even knows what a child looks like?

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