Sherlock Holmes in The Case of the Dull Episode Titles

Before Elementary, American TV had only one Sherlock Holmes series, back in the 1950s. Its episode titles suggest a Holmes less preoccupied by heroin, iPhones and Vinnie Jones.

Met by great critical acclaim, with This Week magazine declaring: "You won't want to miss this four-star video event", the 1950s Sherlock Holmes TV series was a palpable hit. This was a different age: as the Wikipedia page reveals, the show's episode titles were far removed from those of today's adaptations, such as Gatiss and Moffat's 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the SHIT HE FELL OFF A BLOODY BUILDING I MUST TWEET ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY'.

The footage is sadly lost to the ages, and absolutely not easily available in a DVD boxset, which would nullify this article's very reason for being, and so I've dug through the archives and found script excerpts that reveal the less challenging crime fiction tastes of a bygone age.
"The Case of the Shoeless Engineer"

WATSON:

Why, Holmes, that engineer appears to have no shoes.

HOLMES:

You are quite correct in your estimation, Watson, but with one crucial omission: certainly the man walks barefooted, but see, he carries his shoes in that bag.

WATSON:

Oh yes, so he does.

"The Case of the Split Ticket"

A GENTLEMAN arrives at Baker Street, flushed.

GENTLEMAN:

Mr Holmes, I require your urgent assistance. I bid you examine this ticket for the 14.20 from Fenchurch Street, which I fear has become quite split in two. The train leaves in but an hour!

HOLMES takes the ticket from him, sellotapes it together and hands it back.

GENTLEMAN:

Mr Holmes, a quite brilliant solution! I should never have arrived at it unaided. To the station!

"The Case of the Reluctant Carpenter"

A CARPENTER sits in the Baker Street drawing-room, SIPPING the latest of several cups of TEA.

CARPENTER:

It's me back, y'see, Mr 'olmes, me perishin' back. It 'urts something rotten.

HOLMES:

Do not doubt my sympathy to your affliction, carpenter. But the fact remains: the underside of my bathroom door meets the carpet on opening, effecting a reduction in the velocity of its progress. I must insist on your attending to it.

CARPENTER:

As you wish, Mr 'olmes. I'll fetch me toolbox.

"It is my belief, Watson, that through judicious angling of this contraption we might gain access to the liquid within."

"The Case of the Eiffel Tower"

WATSON:

Your powers of deduction are staggering, Holmes.

HOLMES:

A matter of little solicitude, Watson. I simply observed upon my arrival in the French capital that a large metal structure appeared to protrude from the ground. It was then that my suspicions were aroused. On closer inspection, it proved to be the Eiffel Tower.

WATSON:

The very structure you'd been sent to unearth, Holmes?

HOLMES:

The very same.

"The Case of the Belligerent Ghost"

A GHOST sits at the Baker Street breakfast table, an untouched boiled EGG in front of it. It wears a stubborn expression, refusing to eat.

HOLMES:

My dear fellow, we have been perfectly accommodating to you thus far. But I must insist you eat this egg. Mrs Hudson has been some time in its preparation.

GHOST:

Very well, Mr Holmes. Accept my apologies for my misconduct.

The GHOST eats the EGG.
"The Case of the Christmas Pudding"

INT. DAY. HOLMES' STUDY

MRS HUDSON enters, her expression fretful.

MRS HUDSON:

Mr Holmes, I beg you accompany me quickly! A most urgent crisis has arisen!

They DESCEND the stairs into the kitchen. On the table sits a Christmas PUDDING and a raspberry blancmange.

MRS HUDSON:

Which of these would you have me prepare for dessert this Christmas day, Mr Holmes?

HOLMES:

The Christmas pudding, Mrs Hudson. I cannot abide blancmange.

"The Case of the Blind Man's Bluff"

WATSON is at repose in the library at Baker Street, engrossed in a medical journal.

HOLMES enters, blindfolded, and TOUCHES him on the SHOULDER.

HOLMES:

You're "it", Watson.

WATSON:

My congratulations, Holmes! A most enviable calculation!

"The Case of the Careless Suffragette"

EXT. DAY. WHITEHALL

A SUFFRAGETTE has chained herself to the railings outside a government building. She holds up a sign reading "WOMENS RIGHTS NOW".

HOLMES approaches.

HOLMES:

Madam, forgive the intrusion. But I think it my duty to advise that you have neglected to include the possessive apostrophe on your placard. In its absence, I fear, your cause is compromised by the inexactitude.

SUFFRAGETTE:

Good Lord, Mr Holmes: you are correct. How careless of me! I shall insert it forthwith.

In fairness, this is no less interesting than Midsomer Murders.