Special features you won't find on the Star Wars Blu-rays

What better way for the world to pick themselves up the day after the 10th anniversary of 9/11 than to go out and buy the Star Wars Blu-ray boxset on September 12th (*salutes in the general direction of the LucasFilm Ranch*). It's your DUTY, dammit.

The Star Wars Blu-ray boxfest is business as usual: you can buy all six movies together (insert joke about how you thought there were only three; conveniently forget Return Of The Jedi is a bit rubbish) and Episodes IV-VI are the polished turds that are the Special Editions. Yawn. Excuse me while I write another extremely long rant on my MySpace page.

LucasFilm are claiming that the boxset will have a total of 40 hours of bonus content, which is only accurate if you consider listening to the audio commentaries by the key grip's first cousin a 'special feature'. To be fair, there's a bunch of new stuff too - go look at a grown-up site if you really want the lowdown - but we're more concerned what's not on the discs.

Allow us to dream of a Star Wars boxset that features all of the following.
"Justifying Jar-Jar" featurette (26 minutes)
George Lucas and his cronies conduct interviews with dribbling, distracted two year-olds who confirm that, actually, Jar-Jar Binks is a much "wuvved" character in Star Wars lore and that he "ba baah brrrrr a ahh aah?"

George Lucas' unseen episode of 'MTV Cribs' (22 minutes)
The Star Wars director invites cameras into his never-before-seen homestead: a huge golden castle complete with thirty-foot electrified wall to "keep all the negativity out". Also features a tour around George's gigantic staff compound, where he breeds and farms all of his 'yes men'.

Commentary by William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy (DTS 7.1 HD)
Confusing audio commentary by the two Star Trek actors, who spend most of the films' run times catching up on old times, sharing personal jokes and wondering aloud why they've been asked to provide a trivia track.

"Jammin' With James Earl Jones" featurette (8 minutes)
Classic footage of 'voice of Darth Vader' James Earl Jones drumming on his knees between bouts of ADR.

Bodger & Badger episode: 'The Empire Strikes Mash' (15 minutes)
Full Star Wars-themed episode of early nineties CBBC dramedy Bodger & Badger, featuring a mentally hilarious man with his hand stuck up the anus of a stuffed badger. In it, Bodger and Badger rally against their local cafe's plans to halt production of their beloved mash. Written by George Lucas.

"Being Mark Hamill" documentary (121 minutes)
Unexpectedly tragic feature-length documentary following Mark Hamill as he goes about his day-today life attending Star Wars conventions, answering fan questions online, recording voiceovers for cartoons, making tearful phone calls to Harrison Ford and considering suicide.

Pilot episode of "Bail" (45 minutes)
Unseen first - and only - episode of Jimmy Smits' aborted Episode III comedy spin-off, in which his character, Senator Bail Organa, attempts to kickstart a career in stand-up comedy around the nightclubs of Alderaan. Also stars Ted Danson and Andy Dick.

"Jake Lloyd: Who Is He Now?" featurette (22 minutes)
Heart-rending short film showing the plight of Jake Lloyd, the child actor who played the young Anakin Skywalker, as he attempts to rebuild his life following extensive reconstruction surgery after becoming the most punched little boy in the world.

Finally, the original trilogy as it was meant to be seen
Bonus disc for true fans, featuring the original Star Wars trilogy in its original, untouched format: a fuzzy copy taped off of ITV complete with tracking lines, fast-forwarded adverts and the final third of an episode of A Touch Of Frost after the closing credits.

The prequel trilogy abridged (6 minutes)
All the best bits of Episodes I-III edited together.
Outtakes
- Extended Cantina scene between Han and Greedo, in which the pair debate over whether to share a platter of nachos before getting down to business. Ultimately, they can't decide on guacamole or Mexican salsa for the dip, a detail which could be seen to inform their subsequent disagreement.

- Liam Neeson disrupts his fight scene with Darth Maul by whipping his legendary manhood out and making lightsaber noises with it, much to Ewan McGregor's delight.

- Blooper in which a Battle Droid accidentally delivers the iconic eight-minute soliloquy from Hamlet in its entirety during the Battle Of Naboo, instead of saying his planned line ("Roger roger, uh-oh").

- Removed scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which a Rebel pilot can be seen wearing Howard The Duck pyjamas.

- Alternate ending of Return Of The Jedi, as pictured.