While many parents will find it useful to know that Mega Zombie Whores 2 may contain strong language or mild violence, sometimes the assclowns at the BBFC can take things too far when dishing out the cautions.
Whether it's stating the obvious, over-specifying the problem or simply using bizarre phrases in such an official context, some film classification warnings are just laughable in their attempt to define the guidelines of what might offend our delicate eyes and ears. Here are some of the worst culprits.
Contains very strong sexual violence, sex and violence
Now I can't help thinking that there was a way to save ink here. Don't get me wrong, I know that sexual violence isn't the same as sex or
violence on their own, but I can't imagine any parent thinking "Well, I'm sure little Jonny will be fine watching an aggressively violent rape so...oh no, wait - there's lovemaking and punching in it too? Noooo, that could warp his mind!"
Contains mild violence and fantasy spiders
So not only do we need to be cautioned about the extremity of the action sequences, but also key plot points now too? I haven't actually seen this film but I'm not afraid of spiders so it should be ok for me to watch. After all, it doesn't mention anything that might stir up my phobia of ginger kids.
Contains frequent jousting
You don't say. I might have to rethink this one - I thought it might just show a bloody swordfight or two and maybe the slaying of a monstrous fire-breathing dragon, but jousting
? And 'frequently' too? Tsk.
Contains creature violence and language
What does this even mean? Violence against creatures? Violent creatures? And why mention just...'language'? What kind? Wait, are we being warned that this film is in Korean? If that's the case, someone really needs to slap one of those 'language' cautions on What's Eating Gilbert Grape - I couldn't understand a word that kid said.
Contains crude humour, suggestive content and swashbuckling action
Ok, I can understand how crude humour and suggestive content may worry some parents (though 'suggestive' of what exactly? Fairytales? Ogre-based jokes?), but 'swashbuckling action'? Isn't that, I don't know, a main selling point of the film? It's like having a warning on Terminator saying "contains violence and some scenes of time travel".
Contains irresponsible behaviour
Ugh. 'Irresponsible behaviour' is pretty much the only
thing this film contains and I'm guessing the kind of person who wants to watch this is irresponsible enough already. So why is this a warning? Are they afraid that kids might start talking in a stupid voice and getting their ties caught in a vending machine?
Contains graphic, crude and sexual humor, violent images and strong language - all involving puppets
Brilliant. That's like saying "contains gory scenes and blood - but it's ok because it's all just ketchup really". I wonder if the BBFC has a ruling on whether puppet-based sex and violence is worse or better than real-life sex and violence. I'm guessing the strong language is considered to be just as bad either way.
Contains irreverent humour throughout
Wow, so here's a film that has no strong language, violence or sex, and yet the comedy is still dismissed as 'irreverent'. That's what you get when you show a 10-year-old boy's genitalia. Woah - actually, this could have been a lot worse.
Contains misuse of fireworks
Presumably this warning is specifically for those mums and dads who let their kids play with fireworks but want to make sure that they let them off responsibly
. To be fair, that's just sensible parenting.
Contains intense depiction of very bad weather
You're shitting me.