I'll take my cut of the profits now, ta Disney.
Yes, the Mouse House has added Greedo to its playpen of trigger-happy toys alongside Woody and Nick Fury, and George Lucas will no doubt drown in a swimming pool of freshly bought plaid shirts. But more importantly, there’s going to be a new Star Wars film that, if rumours are to be believed (and let’s face it, they almost always are), will continue the story of Anakin Skywalker, A.K.A. Darth Vader, A.K.A. the crusty old white guy who DIED in the last Star Wars movie. No, the not the last
one. The other last one.
So now, recently confirmed writer Michael Arndt not only has the responsibility of relaunching the simultaneously best-loved and most-reviled franchise in cinema history, but also has to find some way to revive a dead guy in it. Dude, don't worry. I’m here to help. Here are your best five story ideas.
He may have been a ruthless tyrant who served the evil emperor and (*bites fist*) killed younglings
, but Vader’s biggest regret in life is not spending enough time with his kids. Of course, now he that has remembered to be a good guy and worked out how to communicate from the afterlife, he finally has a chance to reconnect with Luke and Leia. A touching dramedy, this sequel sees Vader trying to become part of his children’s lives again while hilariously being unable to do any tangible 'dad' stuff, like play catch and make toast.
At first, he was fully abled, then he lost several limbs and now he is a floating apparition. Bitter about the loss of his physical form, Anakin decides to possess a young child, attempting to give himself a second chance at living his life right (first step: kill the Gungan). However, Luke, Han and the gang realise something is up when the child force-chokes his nanny, so they call in an exorcist. The bitter struggle to rid Vader's spirit once and for all reveals his true nature as he makes the child stab his genitals with a mini lightsaber and shout to Luke "Your mother sucks Binks in hell!"
Anakin might now be a friendly ghost, but his corpse is reanimated into a staggering zombie ravished by a hunger for feasting on midichlorians. Whatever they are. He 'turns' Endor’s entire population of Ewoks to amass an army of flesh-eating teddy bears. Only C3P0 and R2D2 survive.
Ever wondered what those shiny buttons on the front of Vader’s mechsuit are for? Well, the blue one sends him forward in time to a date of his choosing allowing him to travel to after the events in Return Of The Jedi to continue his reign of terror and kill all of the rebels. The red one acts as an oven timer.
The deconstruction of the galaxy-wide Empire can’t happen easily overnight, and so Luke and Han have to pretend as though Vader is still alive in order to attend board meetings and fill out the necessary paperwork. Cue slapstick hilarity as the black-suited machine-man gets accidentally conked on the head and kicked in the nuts a couple of dozen times. Lol - DEATH.
Or maybe Watto will wake up to realise it was all a dream. I dunno.