Teen Wolf season three trailer breakdown

Formula for Teen Wolf trailers: subtract Michael J. Fox, add Twilight, add boys, subtract shirts.

0:05 – A quick blast of Inception Horn^TM and we're off. A man with no shirt stands shirtlessly. "Everyone around me is shirt*," he says in voiceover, presumably with his shirt off.

*Possibly 'hurt'.

0:08 – "Know what I want for my birthday?" says girl to boy. A Mary Berry cookbook, you'd assume: they usually go over well. But he's given little chance to consider it before she begins sucking his face, which makes you wonder why she bothered asking in the first place.

0:21 – Suddenly, men are here and they look like this. I am reminded of the WWF action figures of my youth, and how their arms could be raised then let go so as to smash downwards simultaneously. And also of the homoerotic, yet thrillingly chaste dalliances of my late teens. I mean, someone else's. Someone else's dalliances. And teens.

0:25 – A teen wolf is being strangled in much the same position as that in which Clark Kent strangled Bad Superman in Superman III, though this screengrab makes it look more like massage. Wolves being infrequent patrons of massage parlours, however, we'll go with the strangling thing.

0:29 – "Don't you realise what you're dealing with?" asks this chap. No, is the honest answer. I mean, I literally don't know what you are. Seriously, at all. You're related to Mr Worf from Star Trek though, right?

0:44 – Jesus H. Sticks, that's not Roderick from The Following, is it? I presumed having that on your CV got it rerouted to the agent's Nickelodeon pile.

0:50 – Clean wolf.

0:52 – Oh no, it's someone else.

1:28 – A full 36 seconds containing nothing of note, and then suddenly a man smears chocolate on a woman's neck, for reasons obscure to me.

1:31 – Then Robin van Persie shows up, shouting toothily like a big Dutch jaw-monster.

1:45 – Yes, that's Carver off The Wire. Don't judge him: the kid who played Michael Lee ended up on 90210.
Look, in a society where a magazine publishes an annual list ranking women in order of how attractive they are, which is then analysed, discussed and reported on by several serious media outlets and that's somehow deemed acceptable, the least anyone can do is not be snooty about a TV show designed to provide a bit of guy-candy for a female audience. So yeah, sorry about that. It's nothing to do with torso envy.