Ten Reasons To Love Director Uwe Boll
Posted by Sarah at 00:01 on 01 Feb 2008
10. GLASSES MAKETH THE WOMAN
FROM: ALONE IN THE DARK (2005)
Boll cast party-girl Tara Reid as a scientist. No, seriously. Check out IMDB - Alone In The Dark even merited a 'Babe Scientist' keyword tag. It's a ballsy (or Bollsy) move because... well, the woman's not exactly famous for her intellect, is she? Or, her acting talent, come to think of it. On the DVD commentary, and in numerous interviews since, Boll has said that hiring her was a mistake; he cast her because she'd been a success in American Pie, and he thought she'd make bank. Oops. This guy's got the right idea.
9. "LET FEAR GRIP YOUR INTESTINES"
FROM: BLOODRAYNE II: DELIVERANCE (2007)
There's no way to describe this scene that does it justice. Basically, it's Boll regular Michael Eklund as a drunken, shouting priest. A drunken, shouting priest. It's 174 seconds of the most wacko, faux-religious dialogue you could imagine, and it has to be seen to be believed. Also, watch out for the preacher's icy breath throughout the scene, probably because the church is blatantly a hastily constructed crap-shack in the middle of Nowheresville, Canada. In January. Brr.
8. HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY
Sir Ben Kingsley. Michael Madsen. Ray Liotta. Burt Reynolds. Jason Statham. Ron Perlman. What do all these actors have in common? They were all in Uwe Boll movies. Hard to credit, maybe, but it's true. Boll also has a healthy stable full of regulars who crop up time and time again in his films (including Michael Eklund, Zack Ward, Will Sanderson, Michael Paré, and Ralph Mueller). You'd think that the bad reviews would put them off working with him, but somehow they don't. Either this guy sweats pure charisma, or he's got a collection of explicit photographs he's not afraid to use. Just check out the trailer for his newest picture, Dungeon Siege: In The Name Of The King. Is that a skinny Gimli?
7. FAT OUT OF HELL
FROM: BLOODRAYNE (2005)
Meat Loaf would do anything for love, but he won't do that. Yeah, you know the clichés. Apparently "that" doesn't include paying for said love, because when the tubby one makes his appearance in BloodRayne - and he's only in one scene - he's playing some kind of vampiric pimp, dressed in a hoop-skirt and surrounded by semi-naked lovelies played by authentic Romanian prostitutes. Apparently they were cheaper labour than real actresses. You can't make this stuff up.
6. WHEN I'M CLEANING WINDOWS
FROM: POSTAL (2007)
Boll wanted Postal to be an objectionable, offensive movie. He succeeded. It's gloriously tasteless, in fact, and that's established right in the very first scene. In the cockpit of a hijacked plane, two terrorists argue over how many virgins their martyrdom will entitle them to. They call Osama bin Laden, and when the Boss can't guarantee anything, they decide to call off the terrorism and fly to the Bahamas instead. Unfortunately, their decision comes too late and the passengers break into the cockpit, forcing the plane to crash. Cut to Uwe cleaning windows on a skyscraper, seconds before the plane hits...
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