Feature

The 10 dumbest things about Clash Of The Titans

Ali

12th April 2010

From the first moment we saw the tagline "Titans! Will! Clash!" it was painfully obvious Clash Of The Titans was going to be gloriously idiotic. And we were not wrong: here we have a blockbuster so stupid, scenes featuring giant scorpions, underwater sea beasts and Sam Worthington somehow aren't the dumbest things in the movie. Because these 10 things are. Beware: thar be spoilers ahead.

Idiot Gods



According to CHUD, much of the guts of Clash Of The Titans were removed in the edit; this goes some way to explaining why the Gods of Olympus - sparkling, armour-clad badasses up on high - are reduced to bit-parts in their own movie. Danny Huston, a very fine and serious actor, literally says about six words as Poseidon. Model Agyness Deyn, who plays Aphrodite, isn't even in it at all (though that didn't stop tabloid twat-magnet The Sun from proclaiming her to be "outstanding in her role" - but they were talking about her tits at the time).

Worst of all is Zeus, King of the Gods and Liam Neeson in his spare time. With the machinations of the Gods cut to shreds in the edit, Zeus comes across as a bit of a dope; he's tricked by his brother Hades into opening a can of Khlav-Kalash (Greek translation: whoop-ass) on mankind, but then spends the movie helping Perseus defeat the Kraken, which totally defeats the entire purpose of it being released in the first place. Durr!
3D that's worse than 2D



Much noise has already been made on this site about Clash Of The Titans' post-wrap conversion to 3D, but hell, it's such a shameless money-grab, we're devoting more bandwidth to telling you all just how bad it is. We wouldn't begrudge spending a few extra pennies if the 3D was actually good, but it's awful - a real mess, riddled with flat, misshapen images, ghosting and severely shoddy work.

Due to the darkness of several scenes - clearly the conversion didn't include colour correction - I found myself removing my specs to see more clearly, only to find that you could quite comfortably watch the movie sans 3D glasses: the third dimension was barely noticeable. Save for a few swords waved under your nose, there's zero reason for Clash Of The Titans to be in 3D. Apart from prising open your wallet, that is.
The love triangle (that doesn't exist)



Speaking on-set, producer Kevin De La Noy revealed what his new version of Clash had to offer: "There's a love triangle in our movie that didn't exist in the original." Sorry to disappoint you Kev, but it ain't in your movie either. Originally, Perseus was supposed to fall for Princess Andromeda, giving him a personal reason to go after the Kraken and save her soul. Meanwhile, sexy advisor Io's presence gives Perseus a slim chance of a three-way. (Worth a shot).

Sadly, the extensive rewrites put paid to the bulk of Andromeda's role, so instead of a love triangle, we're left with a weird love... er, line, between Perseus and Io - the ageless demigod who revealed she's been stalking Perseus his entire life. Ewwww. Perseus gets some come the unbearably ludicrous finale, when Zeus revives the previously killed Io so his son can have some company. Sure, he could have resurrected his dead family, but fanny was obviously high on the agenda in the olden days.
The accents



Accents! Will! Grate! It's a tall order to expect realism in a movie about a half-man, half-god on a quest to cut off a snake woman's head to turn a giant slug into stone, but was some consistency in the cast's accents really too much to ask? Sam Worthington has been cursed with Australianism since birth, so our hero apparently grew up in Canberra, only with English actor Pete Postlethwaite as his father. Except Perseus' real father is Zeus, an Irishman. Who also has a British son, Apollo. Who's played by a Welshman.

Also, Perseus' companion Draco apparently hails from Scandinavia, while the rest of his comrades in arms are made up of Brits, Turks and Arabs. Let's not forget traitor Prokopion, who tawks wiv an East Lundun accent, innit? Presumably Danny Dyer was... busy? That can't be right.
Stupid haircuts



Sorry to disappoint you Sam, but they didn't have hair-clippers back in ye olden days - not many Greek soldiers wore a buzzcut. But then, if the alternative was growing old like Hades and looking like Mick Fleetwood, then perhaps we'll let you off with this one.


"You can go your own waaaaay..."

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