The 9 most retarded things about G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

It takes a certain type of movie to actually insult the intelligence of people who enjoyed a Michael Bay movie, but G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is that movie.

Managing to make even Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen look subtle and nuanced, Stephen Sommers' adaptation of the classic toy range isn't supposed to be high art, but it is supposed to be a little more involving than 'good guys = great, bad guys = dicks'. Plus, y'know, physics exist for a reason. As does common sense.

Join us then, as we engage in the cinematic equivalent of spinning around a mentally infirm child and pointing and laughing at him until he screams, dribbles, falls down and wets his pants. Let the G.I. Joe tard hunt begin! Be warned, there are spoilers ahead.

Not-so-secret lairs



In the Stephen Sommers universe, there's no rational problem that can't be solved with a simple bit of exposition - failing that, a conveniently timed explosion or a character swinging on a rope someplace.

G.I. Joe, however, takes plot contrivances to a whole new level of bullshit. At one point, Christopher Ecclestone's arms dealer McCullen locates the top secret G.I. Joe base by activating a tracking beacon on a suitcase - despite the fact that it's seemingly hundreds of feet underground in the middle of the Sahara desert.

Later, comms expert Breaker pin-points the exact location of Cobra's equally top-secret North Pole underwater lair by measuring the length of McCullen's shadow from a static picture - in about 8 seconds. The fact that this picture is an image downloaded from the brain of a dead henchman is neither here nor there.

With technology like this available, surely the Joes could fly a missile up Osama bin Laden's cornhole simply by looking at the rock formations in his latest jihad video? Or Cobra could simply drop a warhead on Dennis Quaid every time he farts? Meanwhile, I still have to go out into my garden to get a goddamn mobile phone reception. Fuck you, Stephen Sommers.
Accelerator suits



Being the best of the best of the best apparently isn't good enough any more - the movie Joes have assistance in the form of 'accelerator suits', which make them run faster, jump higher and chafe harder. In one pivotal scene, Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) suit up for a chase through Paris, where they're pursuing The Baroness (Sienna Miller) in her heavily armoured car.

Because nothing can catch a car, right? You need serious, military-grade bio-suits for that! While Duke and Ripcord are out tearing up the Paris asphalt and generally failing to get within sniffing distance of Sienna Miller, fellow Joes Breaker and Heavy Duty follow closely behind in a beat-up old van - a vehicle which probably cost approximately one-millionth the cost of the suits and is just as effective. What's more, the van doesn't look like it's ice-skating along the road like a particularly crappy videogame sprite from the '90s.

Still, no one ever did anything cool in a van, right?


Wrong. Heavy ice



In the movie's climax, the Joes reason that the best way to destroy Cobra's underwater Antarctic lair is to fire rockets into the glaciers above and sit back as the ice sinks into the ocean and crushes their base. A fool-proof plan, I'm sure you'll agree. Good work, Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity. Rest easy tonight. Mission accomplished!

We can only assume that Stephen Sommers has never heard of an iceberg. Or attended one single science lesson at high school. Or ever had ice in his drink.

Where we're from, ice floats in water. Unless... the radiation from Cobra's numerous underwater facilities hardened the glaciers' molecules to create extra-dense icebergs... the kind which only sink... when exploded. Um, yeah, we're sure that's it. Hey look - AN EXPLOSION!