The Apprentice: season 10, episode 10 recap: "A Trifling Matter"

So far we've said goodbye to Dapper Laughs, The Sad-Eyed Woman, Fabulous Stephen, Lauren The Bratz Doll, Pamela (nope, me neither), The Sockless Wanker and finally, last week Fat Daddy Felipe got the chop and it was like seeing a pug being put to sleep.

Still left in the competition we have Sanjay whose name baffles me, Sarah Millican's younger sister, Rocket Surgeon Mark, Danyewl (how?), Solomon Blue Suit, Bianca and her million different shades of pink lipstick, and Roisin who I always forget is around. There are still more people left in The Apprentice than have auditioned for The X Factor over the past 10 years. Is our licence fee paying for all those taxis that ferry them around?

The task

The candidates assemble at The Tate in London, met by a narrow-eyed Karren and Nick, who look to be getting tired of the 5am wake-up calls. Lord Sugar struts out with a bag full of postcards and rainbow rubbers from the gift shop, wondering whether it's too early to have a cake with his coffee at the café. This gives him the idea that they should make desserts this week – you know, that well know business discipline. I think Harvard dedicate an entire semester to it.

Two rather telling facts emerge: Katie wants to start a restaurant business ("Katie and Alan's Philosophical Steak House"?) and Roisin wants to start selling ready-meals, so it's a given they'll be PMs. The teams are mixed up and Danyewl and Solomon swap places, so now I have no idea which team is Summit and which is Tenacity.

From out of nowhere Roisin is set on having tea-flavoured desserts. Will we finally get the Banana Yoplait and Typhoo-flavoured dessert the world has been crying out for? This has the potential to go massively wrong and I get incredibly excited when Solomon can't tell the difference between caramel and chamomile. This is what watching 10 weeks of The Apprentice does to you.

Katie's remit to her team is "don't make it shit". Even though Sugar heavily hinted it's to be a luxury dessert, they settle on making trifles and Solomon is virtually bursting at the seams when he comes up with "A Trifle Different", thinking Sugar will be so impressed he'll just hire him on the spot. He literally doesn't shut up about it, telling everyone the clever wordplay he's just invented ("Trifle means small, but also trifle!"). Sanjay love, if you have to explain it, it's not funny.

Both teams are convinced they've smashed it, and it's like watching an Evil Timeline version of Great British Bake Off.

It's now pitch day. Danyewl reveals himself to be the playground prick he is by bitching that Roisin must be in love with Bianca because she'd rather pitch with her. I would rather take Katie Hopkins to a pitch than Danyewl. I have never seen anyone so painfully socially unaware that people can't stand to be around him. Their first pitch goes well because Danyewl and Solomon get stuck in traffic and thus miss it. Roisin quietly slips their car driver a fifty.

They eventually make it to the second pitch and Roisin goes to great pains to hammer it home to Danyewl he must absolutely must not interrupt her. Danyewl goes right ahead and interrupts her.

Katie and co pitch their trifle puds to Asda, who aren't that keen on saffron in custard; in fact they're so offended by one of the managers nearly vomits on the table after a mouthful of trifle. At Waitrose, their sophisticated palate also picks up on the amount of saffron they've used. Saffron could be this year's sandalwood debacle.

Mark manages to muscle in again and do the final pitch to Tesco and in one of the greatest moments of this year's series, stumbles through it, stuttering and coughing like a miner. To borrow a phrase from Sanjay, it is a Trifle Shit.

The boardroom

Collective groans all round when Sugar makes a joke about chocolate teapots. Roisin comes slightly unstuck and mutters something about grazing consumers, which sounds like a fancy way of describing cows that prefer one type of grass to another.

Mark admits to "dropping a bundle" during his pitch – there's a time and place, Mark. This isn't like sticking your pole in the ground. He starts to sweat like Rik Waller in a cake shop until Nick sticks the boot in and points out that no one else dropped their bundle during their pitch. Again, time and a place.

It comes as little surprise that Asda like trifles, and order 13,500 non-saffron ones. But then Roisin only had to whisper green tea in front of Waitrose for them to buy her nonsense, and so her team wins. Their prize is to meet the actual yacht from The World Is Not Enough. Yes, THE yacht.
Who got fired?

Katie puts down some paper in the boardroom in case Mark drops a bundle again. In a shocking new twist, the task is actually moot and instead they start tearing into each other's business plans, as if this should actually make any difference to where Sugar puts his money.

Violins swell as Katie says she wants to open a healthy restaurant in Sunderland, and it's clear she's for it. She's packed off to the Taxi Cab of Broken Dreams (stopping off at Disappointment Parkway), but wait ... the music's still playing. OH GOD NOT AGAIN! Sanjay talks about his idea, which is basically LinkedIn for people who go to the gym and the violins get louder and louder – and he's gone. Mark is incredibly sweaty and pale, probably worried he's going to have to eat all those trifles that Asda ordered, and shuffles off back to the house.

And that's it. There are no more tasks because evidently they mean jack-all, and next week it's interviews, meaning we get to see Claude shred everyone to pieces and that guy who looks a bit like Noel Edmonds.