The Apprentice: season 11, episode 11 recap: "The Force Awakens"

This week, I shall be shamelessly working in references to Star Wars in order to boost SEO, so you can do one, weather-girl. This is my wheelhouse.

The task

In a galaxy far, far away (Brentwood), Supreme Lord Sugar calls upon the remaining apprenti to the Giant Cheesegrater for the dastardliest task yet – the interview round. Did any of the Sith Lords use a similar process to train their dark apprentices, I wonder? Did Kylo Ren have to run a pop-up asparagus restaurant before Snoke let him take charge of The First Order? If Disney are reading this, please consider it for one of the new spin-offs.

We're down to the final five, and let's be honest, none of them were ever front-runners. We've got Gary, the self-proclaimed "Corporate G", who used to work at a "major retailer" and whom the internet strongly suspects is @AreaManagerGuy from Twitter. Chances of winning: Luke warm.

Then it's Peterborough's own Joseph Valente, AKA Dastardly Dan, AKA For-the-purposes-of-this-feature Han Yolo. He's 25 and runs his own plumbing firm, and has come a long way since he was 14; he's 11 years older, for a start.

Also in the running is American Vana. Her business plan is to launch a dating/gaming app. She's proven to be a tenacious character, and she's up all night to get Wookiee and become Sugar's new business partner.

After last week's disastrous task, which definitely did not make her Admiral Snack-bar, former wren Charleine is hoping Lord Sugar will want to invest in her hairdressing academy. But is she looking for investment in Alderaan places?

And then there's Richard. Dick. I'm not wasting a Star Wars pun on him.

We dive straight into the interviews with Sugar's newly assembled First Order: publishing pioneer Mike Soutar claims the first scalp of the episode by challenging Dick's claim that his current business was voted "Surrey's best digital marketing company". A brief probing proves that this was as a result of a vote between him, his brother and his mum (who voted for Absowebly Web Agency), and Richard quietly pockets the gold spray-painted troll he made for winning "Made-up Business Man Of The Year". Not a Dagobah that I don't think this guy is full of shit.

Mike's interview palace looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude, and it gets Hoth in there for Gary when it's revealed he didn't probably didn't actually have a £1 billion budget working for that "major retailer". Beware who you use as references folks, because Gary's absolutely thrown him under the bus; whilst Gary claims "600 people danced to the tune of his development programme", his reference told Mike it was actually only three. Gary responds that he was "taken out of the corporate machine", but Mike's seen right through Corporate G.

New to Sugar's crew is Linda Plant, who runs an international interior design company and whom we shall now called Princess Slayer. As soon as Charleine plonks herself down, Linda brings up Charleine's tears in last week's boardroom, "What are you gonna do now, are you gonna cry, are ya? Like a big baby? Boo-hoo?!" She further twists the knife when she asks if Charleine's ever won any competitions for her hairdressing skills, and lists every other disappointment in Charleine's life. Unblinking, Charleine says she would sacrifice everything to become an icon, like a Welsh Madonna.

Gary doesn't fare much better with Linda, either. She reduces his lofty ambitions of running a global events company to be little more than a mobile disco. "What makes you different?" she sneers, to which Gary replies he's got a telephone on his mixing desk which he can use as a microphone.

Claude's been untethered and allowed to sit upon his throne of skulls once more, and vomits with rage at Dick's hyperbole-rich statement that he can "remove the clouds from the client's business growth management so they can clearly see the summit they're aiming for". Dick's going to have to very carefully Ewok the line on this one, as Sugar likes it straight, apparently, and Claude feels that Tricky Dicky is too slippery.

Claudine, who so memorably made Bianca cry last season, is not convinced by Joseph claiming to be the very definition of success, and the fact he's shaved off his 'tache. Joseph wants the world and everything in it, including YOU, Claudine, and sweeps the paperweights from her desk to have her there and then ... is Apprentice porn a thing? It should be. I bet Joseph's a Jedi in the streets, and a Sith in the sheets.

Elsewhere, we're actually reminded that Vana's here too when she asks Mike if he's ever used a dating app. Her idea is called Play Date, and her plan is simple: first, you get the quality men. Then, you get the women – she's like a female Scarface.

Tricky Dicky appears to behaving the rockiest ride of all. Mike asks if Dick's clip-art marketing mountain is unique, before he pulls his ace card and says he found Dick's other business's social media account. However, Mike has failed to notice that Dick has used the "climbing to success" allegory used by last year's winner Mark Wright. I smell a wamp rat.

Unfortunately, no one cries but Dick is then left shaken after his encounter with Linda, who bluntly calls his business plan bullshit. He lays it all out to Claudine and presses the self-destruct button, saying he doesn't know why Sugar would pick him. Finally, the interview process gets its first victim.

The boardroom

Finally, we're down to brass tacks and discussing business plans. Gary's idea is essentially trying to get people to Skype into parties and Joseph wants to sell his own way of running a business to new business, whilst creaming off their profits. Charleine is hoping to open a salon on High Street, London, Vana thinks people will want to play Scrabble before they bone, and Tricky Dicky's basically given up. It's like Attack Of The Clowns in there.
Who got fired?

Probably because Sugar's going a bit thin up top himself, Charleine is the first to go.
Does she thank him?

She thanks EVERYONE, about twenty times.
Who else got fired?

Sugar doesn't understand the concept of video-chatting, and so it's bye-bye to the Original G.
Does he thank him?

He also thanks everyone in the room, from Sugar to the candidates to the lighting guy and cameramen.
Who else got fired?

Dick is unwilling to sell his shares in his current business, which represents a conflict of interest, so he's out the door too. Surely this should have been picked up earlier so we wouldn't have had 10 weeks of playing charades?
Does he thank him?

Dick thanks Karren and Claude, and mumbles something about revenge to Lord Sugar.

We're down to our final two – Vana and Joseph. Their final task is to plan a super-sweet 16 for Sugar. Who will win, and who cares? I've run out of Star Wars puns.