Feature

The Apprentice: season 11, episode 5 recap: "The Ninkytwonks of Wankery Woo, Or Something"

Becky Suter

10th November 2015

This week on The Apprentice, some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends, lessons are learned and everyone is richer for the experience.

The task

Amongst the periodicals and microfiches of the London Library, Lord Sugar informs the contestants that they must write and then market two children's books. In a day. Because it's a widely known fact that Rudyard Kipling famously wrote The Jungle Book after pulling an all-nighter with a bottle of Lamb's Rum and 20 B&H.

It may be that I'm missing something, but I'm fairly certain there's not a single company out there whose business model is to write, illustrate, publish and then sell a children's book within 24 hours. Is this week's task indicative of a Tory government that devalues creativity and the arts?

Err, maybe.

Sam, the self-proclaimed wordsmith who all-but disappeared in the last task, nabs Project Manager of Connexus this week, because he's got an English Literature degree, which we all know by now means that he will definitely cock this task up.

You have to wonder who carried out the necessary background checks before this was okayed.


His team's solid business plan for their children's book is built upon the fact that Elle shouts "I LIKE DRAGONS!" whilst being in charge of the team flip chart. At this point, it's worth noting Selina is wearing elephant ears, so she's (*sniggers*) ... all ears.

Charlene, sporting a Cornish pasty on her head, informs Team Versatile that as she is a mum of two young children she will be PM this week, or else they're all going straight to bed without their tea.

Both teams' ideas are exactly what you'd expect a group of non-creative business committees to come up with: a bee that "collects" honey and a mythical creature called the Snottydink (which, interestingly enough, was one of the names originally mooted for Englebert Humperdinck). These so-called "authors" who spends months and years slaving over plots and character development – don't even bother, guys. I'm going to revisit my own manuscript for potential Young Adult-bestseller "Werewolf University" and just put in the first shit I can think of; it's worked for me on these recaps so far.

Charleine locks horns with Richard early on, and so to placate him makes him Junior Vice President of Sales, but out-and-out refuses to speak to him on the phone and will only communicate with David.

"Hello Dave?"


For reasons that shall forever remain unknown, both teams have to then WRITE A THEME TUNE, SING THE THEME TUNE and then ACT OUT THE STORY (before it's even been written) for an accompanying CD. The mind boggles. No one buys CDs any more, idiots.

Convinced that a book about a bee on the hunt for some honey (how??) will take the literary world by storm, Charlene marches straight to Waterstones and then starts talking in tongues during Versatile's pitch and basically drops a ton of heat on the shop floor. It's a firm no from them.

On the other side of London, Sam's sophisticated wordsmithery has gone over the heads of most of the four-year-olds in the focus group. I could go out and ask the kids at the local nursery if they actually know what "moisture rife" means, but I would certainly get arrested. Natalie bails on pitching because she's got a bit of a cold and is a real-life Snottydink, and is worried she'd cough up a lung before she'd get to the numbers, and definitely not because she doesn't understand them. To illustrate this fact, she coughs after every other word. (*cough*) Natalie, you're gonna get fired (*cough*)

"WELL TONIGHT THANK GOD IT'S THEM-"
"Cut!"
The boardroom

Much is made of Sam's indecisiveness, but he's not sure whether he agrees. Charlene admits she gave Richard a vanity title to placate him and then asks Sugar if he wants to buy any pegs. (Sorry, last League of Gentleman reference, I promise.)

Natalie (*cough*) blames her lack of sales (*cough*) on her cough (*cough cough*). When it's clear Lord Sugar isn't having any of it, Natalie leaps up from the table and jumps out of the window, exclaiming, "You can't fire a dead woman!"

Her tactic fails, as the Bizzy Bee who gets up early gets the honey it seems: Versatile win with just £100 of extra sales, and a four-star review from the Media Guardian. Their price is to be the clown act at a children's party where a vomiting bug has just erupted.
Who got fired?

After three hours of dithering, Sam brings back Brett and Natalie, but not before pointing out the main failure of the task was that they wrote a book in 24 hours. You don't say.

Lord Sugar huffs and puffs, and eventually blows Natalie's house down for being "too immature".
Does she thank him?

Yes, but it's a very curt one.

Next week, the candidates must imagine that the number one does not exist, and build a work of art using the laws of physics.

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