The Apprentice: season 11, episode 6 recap: "Screwing Around"

On this week's Apprentice, we learn how many Apprenti (that's the correct plural) it takes to clean a window, and we get four cracking double entendres. Every week we are further and further from God's light.

The task

It's DIY week! You know, the one where Lord Sugar asks a social media entrepreneur, a hairdresser and an owner of a Jamaican boutique to be handymen (handypersons?) and carry out odd jobs around London. One could argue that their biggest job is to actually repair their reputations.

Seeing as she's an operation executive in construction, it makes sense that Elle is made Project Manager of Team Versatile. This is the woman who cites Miley Cyrus as "the best businesswoman of the 21st century", and believes "you don't need any knowledge of anything to do a job" - oh dear; we know for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for she.

Elle immediately cocks it up by missing the deadline to get their flyers made. Mergim suggests posting handwritten notes through people's doors instead. That's a bit creepy, Mergim.

Thinner Ross Kemp Brett is PM of Connexus, on account of him being a builder. Is this a fair fight, Apprentice producers? Or is this going to be another classic bait-and-switch episode? Considering he was the only person to supply his own high-vis jacket and steel-capped boots, I think I know which way this is going to go.

Lord Sugar has some hot tips for corporate clients in need of some odd jobs doing around the place, and word has it there's a theatre in East London in need of some costume rails, so both teams tend for business. With only one person between 13 of them having any experience or skills in this arena. Brett has some experience with wood (this isn't even the first double entendre: you can have this for free) so starts talking about two-by-fours, 80ml and an anecdote about once seeing Lynn Faulds Wood trying to bend some two-ply into the back of her car.

It would appear Connexus have got it in the toolbag, until they go for a contract to clean the stands at a football club and Sensitive Sam is aghast that they might actually have to do some hard graft and he won't be able to utilise his wordsmithery. They ultimately win the contract though when Brett boasts he "always leaves an immaculate finish" (*double entendre honk #1*).

Back at the theatre, we learn that Joseph (Dastardly Dan) is actually a plumber, and thus Elle has found someone to hide behind, defaulting to him any time the client asks a question. Karren is not impressed, and stalks in the background looking as though someone's rubbed something disgusting under her nostrils.

The sub-team of Versatile are having a right old time of it, on account of the fact Mergim is actually Frank Spencer. Within 24 hours, he has difficulty screwing a hole (*double entendre honk #2*), paints over a company's sign and then bursts out of a skating rink on skates, dodging buses and cars on the streets before crashing into a baby shop.

At the football stand, Selina is complaining about having to scrape soggy chewing gum off the floor, which you can't really blame her for; would you jump through these hoops for a quarter of a million investment? Brett asks Sensitive Sam to start power-washing the seats, who starts to dab at the floor with an Evian-moistened monogrammed hanky. It becomes apparent they won't be able to complete the job they quoted for, and then there's the uncomfortable unpleasantness of the bill. The guy who's hired them agrees to knock £50 off, and I'm glad there weren't cameras around when I was trying to negotiate the landscaping of my garden going three weeks and 40% over budget. But that's for another time.

Connexus aren't exactly having a jamboree either; David's cut the curtain rods too short, and can't understand why they can't just make the room smaller instead. Elle smears some paint on the floor and job's a good'un. Another completely pointless task finished.

The boardroom

Lord Sugar does the whole "write the theme tune, sing the theme tune" bullshit and says he's looking for an all-rounder: the type of person who can do DIY, write a children's book and play tennis against apes, probably.

Much debate is had over who did what. Lord Sugar points out Selina was on her knees for four hours. (*double entendre honk #3*)

The figures come in: the cursed Connexus without Elle are the clear winners. Their prize is to go to a Russian Spar. All it sells is vodka and furry hats. Brett is pleased to get "a good slap in the face by some bushes" for all his hard work. (*final double entendre honk #4*)
Who got fired?

Unsurprisingly, it's farewell Elle, although it says a lot about how fundamentally shit she was that all protocol is thrown out of the window and Lord Sugar fires her on the spot, before anyone else gets to defend themselves. Hashtag shocker.
Does she thank him?

Yes.

But Lord Sugar is not satisfied. He needs more blood. So it's up to Mergim to bring back two more people into the boardroom. Ooooh, Betty!
Who else got fired?

Mergim breaks out a heartwarming story about being a refugee, and how he's passionate about being a millionaire, but then so am I, and that's why my sofa is stuffed with spent scratchcards. Sadly, this isn't X Factor, and he's given his marching orders.

Does he thank him?

Yes, with an added Sugar bonus of "we'll stay in touch", to really rub salt into the wound.

But it's not over.
Who else got fired?

April and her boardroom bun also get ejected, because otherwise the run of this series will take us over Christmas, and nobody wants that.
Does she thank him?

Yup. Personally, I've never thanked anyone after being fired, but I have left some choice "leaving gifts"...

Next week, the contestants must find an acre of land, between the saltwater and the sea-strand, plough it with a lamb's horn, sow it all over one peppercorn, reap it with a sickle of leather, and gather it up with a rope made of heather, and then they'll be Sugar's one true love.