Feature

The Diary Of Alan Frank

Ali

17th March 2013

Exclusive excerpts from the diary of journalist Alan Frank, the industry's most easily-pleased film critic, written from deep inside the attic of the Daily Star's headquarters.

Alan Frank is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a really shitty newspaper. If it wasn't for his name - and his customary dubious 10/10 rating - appearing on every movie poster under the sun, you'd wonder if the Daily Star hadn't made him up, like a sort of film critic Keyser Soze. He's rarely seen in public, possibly because of his bizarre definition of a perfect film, but we've scored excerpts from his diary, which features genuine Alan Frank review scores and is definitely not just a bad joke spread too thin.
1st June, 2012
Saw Prometheus. Thought it had its problems but I liked the special effects and the connections with Alien were interesting. It's not for everyone but I thought it made for a very modern blockbuster. Rated it 10/10.

25th July, 2012
Saw Ted. Didn't like it very much so I only gave it 10/10.

1st August, 2012
Stubbed my toe. 10/10

5th August, 2012
Saw The Bourne Legacy. Major plot issues and Jeremy Renner is no Matt Damon. Pacing is all over the place. Villain is virtually non-existent. Very strange film and barely worthy of the franchise. 10/10

12th August, 2012
Had a Tesco beef curry. Not their best, should have ordered a takeaway. Bit gristly and the rice was a bit stale. Disappointing. 10/10

16th August, 2012
Saw The Expendables 2. Absolutely atrocious. This movie is an abomination. Sylvester Stallone is the worst actor alive. 10/10

24th December, 2012
Had a dream I was visited by the ghosts of film critics of past, present and future, who convinced me to change my ways and stop dishing out ludicrously high review scores to terrible movies. Thought the mid-section of the dream was poor and I didn't care much for the characters. 10/10

10th February, 2013
Saw A Good Day To Die Hard. I quit. 10/10
There's something good going up on the site tomorrow, I swear.

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