Top 10 Movie Drug Dealers


16th February 2007

You wanna get high? In Tinseltown, there's no shortage of back-alley pushers ready to show you a good time, whether you want pills, puff or powder. It takes a special kind of dealer to make our list, however - insanity seems to be a pre-requisite, as does a kickass dress-code and a trophy wife. Yeah, we know - drugs are bad, m'kay? - but how many of you have watched one of these cats make the deal of a lifetime and thought that maybe busting your hump in the daily grind is a waste of time? Heroes they aren't, but when it comes to shifting merchandise, they could sell crotchless panties to the Pope. Kick back, put on the Floyd and tuck into that two-day-old takeaway as we rack up a line of the dopest dealers of the silver screen - for them, 'deal or no deal' is not a quiz show, it's a lifestyle choice.

Reese Feldman from Starsky and HutchWith a moustache that would look at home on Ron Jeremy (or some part of his body anyway), Reese Feldman is a dealer that's got the 70's look down cold. He's got every right to feel like a big ol' pimp: he's just discovered an untraceable form of cocaine that's going to make him rich. He has it all - a drug empire, a boat - sorry, a yacht - and even Kitty, his dumb girlfriend on the side. The one thing he didn't count on was getting busted by the Frat Pack's finest - David Starsky and Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson - who eventually brought Feldman to justice after ruining his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and shooting her pet pony. Still, Reese's gear was top-notch if Starsky's drug-fuelled dance-off is anything to go by, and Hutch put it to good use in a three-way with Carmen Electra and Amy Smart. Arrest him? Those guys should have thanked him.

Say what? "Am I tanning weird?"

Rupert from The Rules of AttractionQuite clearly a few ounces short of a gram, coked-up Rupert should perhaps heed the age-old dealer advice: "Don't get high on your own supply." Surrounded by piles of cocaine, he paces back and forth in his pig sty of an apartment, brandishing a gun in the face (and forehead) of a frightened James Van Der Beek, who's looking to sell weed on campus. Rupert is not convinced of Dawson's dealing abilities, claiming he needs his services like he needs an asshole on his elbow: "I think you're a rich motherfucking motherfucker who owes me a fucking fuckload of motherfuckin' cash, that's what I think, you rich motherfuckin' motherfucker." Not only does too much blow limit Rupert's vocabulary, it's making him lose his cool - all those drugs racing through his blood didn't stop him from being shown up by TV's wettest teen.

Say what? "You want some coke? Then buy your own, bitch."

Youngblood Priest from SuperflyYoungblood Priest was never going to sweep roads for a living - with a name like that, he was destined to be either a high rollin', big pimpin' drug dealer, or a porn star. Choosing the former (although he's dynamite in bed), Priest quickly became one of New York City's coolest pushermen, but the life of a dealer was not for him. Opting for one last big deal, Youngblood planned to live off his $1 million score and get the police off his back for good. Despite several twists, turns and double-crosses, Priest still kept his cool and cashed out, putting one over 'the man' who claimed that without a dealer lifestyle, he'll be nothing but a "two-bit nigger junkie." As he hopped into his tricked-out Caddy and drove into the sunset to the sounds of Curtis Mayfield, he leaves you wondering if a career in cocaine management isn't such a bad idea after all.

Say what? "You don't own me, pig, and no motherfucker tells me when I can split."

Todd Gaines from GoDoug Liman's Pulp Fiction-style story of pill-popping club-goers wouldn't be complete without a drug dealer extraordinaire, so say hello to Todd Gaines - the creepy looking topless psycho wearing the Santa hat. Todd is a laid back kinda fellow who agrees to offload twenty hits of Ecstasy to willing young Ronna, but being a businessman first and foremost, requires collateral. "I already got a fuckin' Swatch," he says, before wisely choosing to keep Katie Holmes' Claire company for the evening. Despite a sinister look in his eye that only a killer from a Scream movie can have, Todd ends up banging Cruise's missus on the steps of his house, with Claire unaware her new gentlemen lover has left her best friend for dead in a ditch - hey, it's just business. All this, and at Christmas too. Ho ho fuckin' ho.

Say what? "I give head before I give favours and I don't even give my best friends head so your chances of getting a favour are pretty fucking slim."

Henry Hill from Goodfellas"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster." Oh Henry, if only you'd stuck to grand theft and gunning down goombas, maybe you wouldn't have lived out the rest of your life like a schnook. It was only when he dabbled in drugs that Hank's life started to go down the shitter, despite mentor Paulie telling him it was a mug's game. Witness the scene in which Henry juggles his responsibilities as a drug dealer and a family man: one minute he's cooking a slap-up meal for his nearest and dearest, the next he's racing off to see his mistress and shipping an ungodly amount of cocaine that would give even Paris Hilton a nosebleed. The Feds eventually catch up with Henry - paranoid and convinced he's marked for death, he rats on his mafia family and ends up without a friend in the world. Probably should have stuck with hijacking trucks, then.

Say what? "Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me."

Drug dealers numbers 5-1! >>>>

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