<<< Drug dealers 10-6!
5. JAY from the VIEW ASKEW movies
A small town dealer and Jersey born and bred, Jay is always representing out front of his local Quick Stop, pounds of pot in his pocket and eager to make a deal. Shit, give him your order and he'll even sing you a song if you're lucky, perhaps a number by his favourite band, "Morris Day and the motherfuckin' Time" - clearly, years of being a mallrat have left his tiny mind in a musical muddle. Forever flanked by his hetero-lifemate Silent Bob, Jay has made quite a living shifting dope: together, the two clueless stoners saved up enough to buy the convenience store they were permanently attached to, on the proviso they were allowed to continue dealing outside - now that's a sound business investment. Jay was pretty much a given to appear on this list, given actor Jason Mewes' fearless method acting - he spent years hitting the crack pipe to research for the role.
"Fifteen bucks little man / put that shit in my hand"
4. CLARENCE from TRUE ROMANCE
Like the other low-down crooks on this page, Clarence didn't become a drug dealer by choice. After meeting sweet ho Alabama and falling in love, Clarence attempts to straighten things out with her pimp. Does everything go to plan? Hell no - this is a Quentin Tarantino screenplay after all - and instead of getting Alabama's belongings and leaving quietly, he ends up shooting poor old Drexl and half-inches a suitcase of his Colombian marching powder by mistake. Clarence arranges a deal with Hollywood producer Lee Donowitz, but it goes predictably tits up - first when his gopher Eliot is pulled over by the cops while covered in coke, and secondly when the wimpy prick turns up at the deal wearing a wire. Clarence, cool as fuck, escapes relatively unscathed from the resulting shoot-out and goes on to live a life of luxury with his southern gal and young son in Cancun - surely a high no drug can match.
"I always said if I had to fuck a guy... I'd fuck Elvis."
3. GEORGE JUNG from BLOW
George is a shining example to aspiring drug dealers - think big, and there's no limit to the success you can achieve (or the prison sentence you'll receive). Starting out as a lowly pot dealer in southern California, George hooks up with Paul 'Pee-wee Herman' Reubens, a big-time distributor with whom he makes some serious bank. After his own mother turns him in, George meets a Columbian contact in prison, and no sooner than he's walked free, he's hitting up head honcho Pablo Escobar and supplying grade-A cocaine to the US - at one point, approximately 85% of the white stuff in America came through Jung. George lived the high life - kicking it with wifey Penelope Cruz in his south Cali pad - but eventually he realised that crime doesn't pay, and he lived out his days in jail. However, Johnny Depp was forever affected by playing the coke-addled dealer - you think Captain Jack Sparrow is straight edge? Please.
Danbury wasn't a prison, it was a crime school. I went in with a Bachelor of marijuana, came out with a Doctorate of cocaine."
2. DANNY THE DEALER from WITHNAIL & I
Danny is the quintessential drug dealer - wild-eyed, frazzled and not entirely from this planet. Listening to him spouting conspiracy theories ("Hair are your aerials - all hairdressers are in the employment of the government") you're left in no doubt Danny has smoked one too many Camberwell Carrots in his time. When the pretentious Withnail questions his drug intake, Danny removes his sunglasses and reveals the devastation that lies behind them. "Don't get uptight with me, man," he intones flatly. "Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine, and if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to." Wisely, Danny also has a back-up plan should his dealing business ever go south - along with his partner Presuming Ed, he's planning on launching a range of dolls that shit themselves. Items, it has to be said, yet to appear on the shelves at Toys 'R' Us.
"Have either of you got shoes?"
1. TONY MONTANA from SCARFACE
Forget those small-time, ten-dollar chancers - if you're going to be a pusher, then do it in style. Tony Montana - Scarface to his enemies - was a self-made man who dragged himself up from the Cuban slums to make it as the most feared drug dealer in America. At the height of his power, Montana was a gangster extraordinaire, with Michelle Pfieffer bouncing on his dick, pinstripe suits for every occasion and mountains of coke spread around his plush Florida mansion. His rags-to-riches story and 'fuck joo' attitude continue to be an inspiration to moronic gangsters everywhere (all of whom presumably haven't seen the last few minutes where a cocaine-fuelled Montana is riddled full of bullets) and the legend even lived to deal another day in the Scarface videogame. The world was his, but it just wasn't enough.
"Say hello to my leetle friend!" After snorting that much coke, we presume he's talking about his penis.