Feature

Top 10 Movie Fashion Disasters

Rich

14th December 2007

Fashion is the most fickle of beasts: don a particularly daring outfit, and BAM - two weeks later it's yesterday's news and you're revealed to have all the style of a Bosnian pimp. Usually such sartorial gaffes are forgotten in time, but in movieland, those glorious fashion disasters are preserved on celluloid for future generations to ridicule forever. The following ten characters might have looked the bomb back in their day, but in the harsh light of today's society, they look like frickin' idiots. Read on as regular contributors Ali and Rich point, laugh and pray it never happens to them.

10. JOHNNY VAN OWEN in COOL AS ICE
Model: Vanilla Ice

Rich: Vanilla Ice: making Jeremy Clarkson look fashionable since 1986.

Ali: For the record, the words on his jacket say 'yep yep', 'dope' and 'sex me up'. Where did he go wrong? He was such a pioneer. It's like he saw how successful Bermuda Shorts were and took it that one step further. Sure, he can ride a motorbike, but has he got a licence for those trousers?

Rich: Even his motorbike's a fashion disaster, and everyone knows there's nothing cooler than a motorbike. Except smoking.

Ali: I can honestly say if I saw Vanilla Ice driving down the motorway on that motorbike, wearing those trousers, I'd do my very best to ram him off the road and kill him. Humanity would thank me eventually when they realised what I'd done for them. I think I read somewhere that Vanilla Ice hates humanity.

Rich: Damage to car - 1,000. Bail price - 15,000. Ridding the world of a crime against movie fashion - priceless.

Ali: I think guys like Ice are kinda why the rest of the world hates America. Kim Jong Il caught a showing of Cool As Ice back in '91, now he has this picture up in his office with a caption that says 'Never Forget'.


9. LEELOO in THE FIFTH ELEMENT
Model: Milla Jovovich

Rich: "Hands up, this is the Fashion Police!"

Ali: "Actually, you know what? Just jump." I always thought Milla Jovovich would look better wearing a ginger wig and bandages. There are Japanese businessman who pay plenty Yen for chicks dressed like this. Normally, women wearing this sort of stuff appear in anime comic books, just before they get raped by an octopus.

Rich: It's the pistol shaped handbag that really sets this ensemble off.

Ali: I disagree. It's the orange rubber kooch-strap-cum-bra. It's comforting to know you can still hook up with skanks in the future. She's dressed a little bit like Jodie Marsh if she were in space. Which, thinking about it, is probably the best place for Jodie Marsh.

Rich: At least she's wearing sensible shoes.

Ali: We're all totally going to be dressing like this in about ten years, it's true. We'll look back on today's primitive fashions and laugh, before slipping on our giant jockstraps and jet-packing to the cyber-office. While listening to Vanilla Ice's new holo-album on our Microsoft Zunes.

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