Top 10 Movie Retards

We'll get this out of the way right at the top. You will not be seeing Forrest Gump on this list. In fact, fuck Forrest Gump. Unlike the most cynical Oscar-grab in recent memory, the special folks on our list all do something to improve the movie they're in. Whether they're providing big, guilty laughs or an incredible performance that lights up the screen, there's something going on that you just don't get from Tom Hanks in a haircut. Our deca of dunces may not have swept the awards ceremonies, but what they lack in mantelpiece décor, they more than make up for in charm, wit, and overbites.

10. ANDREW LARGEMAN as THE RETARDED QUARTERBACK in GARDEN STATE
Although we never actually see the Retarded Quarterback on camera, we feel pretty confident in saying that he looks a lot like that fella from Scrubs. We also know that it's a good performance. So good that it made Natalie Portman's Samantha think that the actor playing the role was actually retarded. (Maybe she's retarded: what kind of idiot would think that?) If there were a retarded Oscar, Large would win hands down because he's even better than that Corky kid, and he's actually retarded. And then there's that scene… That last scene where he gives the speech to the whole stadium and his Dad – oh! – his Dad gives him the thumbs up! Aww. That was like… that was emotional.

Retarded quote: The Retarded Quarterback is unfortunately neither seen nor heard.

9. LENNIE SMALL in OF MICE AND MEN
His last name might have been Small, but this hulking brute was anything but. A gentle giant who liked stroking furry things a little too much, Lennie was accompanied by fellow drifter George as they roamed the country looking for a place they could call home. The only problem? Lenny was the most dangerous type of retard – subject to flipping out and having an eppy at the slightest inkling of trouble, he did tend to get a bit… rough. Mike Tyson had a more genteel touch than our Lennie. Put it this way, if he were around today (God rest his retarded soul), he'd be encased in a helmet and kept on the happy pills. Poor George, with tears in his eyes, had to put him out of his misery, but even he could do nothing about the poor unfortunates named Lenny in school playgrounds around the world – the name quickly became synonymous with only the biggest and slowest of retards.

Retarded quote: “I'm real sorry George!”

8. STEVE BARKER in THE RINGER
Okay, Steve isn't really retarded, but after seeing the Jackass movies we're starting to suspect that Johnny Knoxville actually is, and that's a twofer we just couldn't ignore. Knoxville's distinctly un-special loser Steve tries to rig the Special Olympics by posing as an r-tard and beating Jimmy, the current champ, to the gold - cue hilarious gurning, belming by the bowlful and baby talk. In some cases, the able-bodied Knoxville has his ass stomped into the ground by actual retarded kids, which can't be good for the old self-esteem. But it's all okay because, wouldn't you know it, Steve learns an important life lesson in the end - remember folks, the disableds are people too. They just have special needs. And weird shoes.

Retarded quote: "I can count to potato!"

7. BOBBY BOUCHER in THE WATERBOY
To be honest, any of Adam Sandler's characters could have made this list. Billy Madison is fairly dense and Little Nicky could easily have taken the top spot by virtue of his brother Cassius having hit him in the head with a shovel. Happy Gilmore isn't too bright and even Barry Egan in Punch Drunk Love is suffering from some kind of mental illness. The man's career reads like an Academy Award shoe-in. But before we convince ourselves that Sandler is the actor of his generation, we'd better move on to The Waterboy; his magnum opus. Bobby Boucher, that purveyor of high quality H2O, shares Hollywood DNA with Kathy ‘Misery' Bates, which effectively meant he was doomed from the start. He thinks that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush, and he even shacks up with Fairuza Balk. With romantic choices like that, he really should be higher up this list.

Retarded quote: “EHHHHHHERRRGHHHH!”

6. JESSE MONTGOMERY III and CHESTER GREENBURG in DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?
These guys aren't just half retards; we're talkin' ‘bout the whole thing. Stay with us. Jesse and Chester were, like Bill and Ted before them, very obviously meant to be stoners. However, much like the aforementioned Wyld Stallyns (who rule, by the way) the filmmakers' desire to avoid the dreaded R rating meant that all drug use was stripped from the movie (drug use by humans, anyway – a dog takes a fairly meaty hit). We're left with the inescapable conclusion that the champions of Dude/Sweet are actually a bit special. Although if being a bit special means that you get a 50/50 shot at a twin that looks like Jennifer Garner, lots of pudding and matching tracksuits, then hit us in the head with a shovel. Which, thinking about it, is probably why the drugs were removed. Can't have stoners being glorified, can we? Phew, that was close. Thanks, Hollywood!

Retarded quote: “Dude! Sweet!”

Amazing retards 5-1, this way! >>>>