Top 10 Top 10s of 2015
Now seems as good a time as any to publish this.
As every website and critic on the net conducts last-minute refinements to their top 10 films of the year, trying to decide which foreign documentary they should include to ease their guilt over putting Furious 7 in at #3, we at The Shiznit like to do things differently.
In order to be better than everyone else and ultimately win at blogging, here is the ultimate top 10 list: a top 10 of top 10s. After months and months of writing well over a thousand top 10 lists, we have whittled them down to the following best 10 of the bunch. That is honestly 100% the process we followed, I promise. Months of work.
10. Top 10 movie colons of 2015
10. Mad Max: Fury Road
George Miller’s post-apocalyptic vision of Top Gear already has a lot going for it, but this colon really is the cherry on top. Nestled like a jewel on a wealthy dowager’s bosom, the colon within provides a pleasing symmetry, whilst still tipping a hat towards tradition and the other Mad Max films.
9. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2
Jennifer Lawrence blah blah role of her career blah blah. The real stars in the finale of the sexy teens overthrow a corrupt government franchise are those two little dots, holding back the tide like Moses parting the Red Sea. That colon is rock solid; proud and firm in what would otherwise be a car crash of a title, thanks to that rogue dash after 'Mockingjay'.
8. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
This is it. The big one. An amazing appositive that acts like a gateway to the promised land: the wonders that lie beyond that punctuation mark are too many to comprehend. Also wins extra points for suggesting the shape of a lightsaber when typed on the page.
7. Two By Two: Oooops…The Ark Has Gone
AKA All Creatures Big & Small, AKA Oooops…Noah Has Gone. I like to imagine that the creative brainstorm around this title went a lot like 12 Angry Men, so tough was the sell of the film: "We can’t just call it 'Two By Two', no one will know there’s an ark in it."
Proof, if proof were needed, that the colon is the gift that keeps on giving to marketeers. If your initial title doesn’t hit home straight away, just add an ineffectual explanation, because you never really know how thick moviegoers are.
6. Avengers: Age Of Ultron
A beautiful example of how a colon may be used between independent clauses if the second summarises or explains the first. Sure, it lacks the shocking reveal of Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo, but when will ever hit those dizzying heights ever again?
5. Woman In Black: Angel Of Death
Why have one title (Woman In Black 2), when you can have two? When you can use a colon, that’s when.
4. My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Friendship Games
Chapter and verse. It almost hurts to look directly at them, doesn’t it? Behold the lesser-spotted 'double colon' in all its glory. I want to find the person who signed this title off and give them a great big kiss. And then the number of psychiatrist.
3. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
I went to see this movie based on the syntactical-description alone. Without it, I would have been clueless as to who Paul Blart was; what is his occupation? What are his ambitions, his hopes, his dreams? How many Paul Blart films are there? So much information conveyed by so little.
2. The Divergent Series: Insurgent
At first glance, it would look as though EOne just straight up stole Katniss’s colon (as well as the aforementioned 'sexy teens' storyline), but this colon is worthy to stand on it’s own dots, providing an important pause before 'Insurgent' so it doesn’t sound like a Curtis Blow-style rap.
1. Kingsman: The Secret Service
I know what you’re thinking; where’s Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation? Fuck you, that’s why. I don’t want to get into that hot mess, when Matthew Vaughn uses a colon here for his super-spy movie and he doesn’t even need it.
9. Top 10 worst character names 0f 2015
10. Jim Terrier (Sean Penn – The Gunman)
9. Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac – Star Wars: The Force Awakens)
8. Don Champagne (Patrick Wilson – Home Sweet Hell)
7. Franck Dotzler (Forrest Whittaker – Taken 3)
6. The Pope (Robert De Niro – Heist)
5. Phylo Percadium (Ramon Tikaram – Jupiter Ascending)
4. Jock Strapp (Paul Bettany – Mortdecai)
3. Geza Mott (Askel Hennie – Last Kings)
2. Frypan (Dexter Darden – Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials)
1. Stinger Apini (Sean Bean – Jupiter Ascending)
8. Top 10 most pointless pieces of Star Wars speculation in 2015
10. The Back Of Kylo Ren’s Helmet Revealed, But What Does It Tell Us?
9. What Does That Tree in ‘Shattered Empire’ Mean for ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’?
8. Where did the Millennium Falcon‘s new satellite come from?
7. Read a potential line Han Solo says in Star Wars: The Force Awakens
6. Domhnall Gleeson in ‘Star Wars:’ Why the Latest Rumor Is Either Totally Wrong or a Game Changer
5. So, exactly how do you pronounce “Poe Dameron?”
4. A new rumor claims an iconic Star Wars character might be getting a Force Awakens action figure — even if this is true, does it mean anything for the film?
3. Did J.J. Abrams film some of The Force Awakens in the world’s third largest cave?
2. Will The ‘Star Wars: Rogue One’ Trailer Play Before ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’? Probably Not
1. Did Warwick Davis Just Post a Huge ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Spoiler? [UPDATE – No]
7. Unfinished articles we didn’t publish in 2015 (titles presented without context)
10. Poster trend: inkiness
9. Meryl Streep denies taking performance-enhancing drugs
8. Terminator Genisys is all about how Sarah Connor accidentally got her hand stuck in a Terminator skull
7. Quiz: Which All Is Lost character are you?
6. Man can't believe he now has to pretend he always liked the Fast & Furious films unironically
5. What I've learned from Cars 2 after watching it 200 times
4. James Cameron travels back in time to prevent terrible Terminator movies
3. The Danish Girl trailer breakdown: X things you must see
2. Ranking the Ghostbusters movies in order of quality
1. Daniel Craig quits Bond, accepts job at Waitrose
6. Top 10 films in 2015 that sound like people your mum works with
4. Danny Collins
2. The Danish Girl
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And The Rest