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 TOP 20 ALTERNATIVE STAR WARS MOMENTS: PART 1 Adventure? Excitement? This is not the list you seek...  Don’t you just hate those bloody list programmes that Channel 4 keep squeezing out? 100 best movies, 100 best albums, 100 best artists – pretty soon we’ll be able to enjoy the Top 100 flavours of crisp, as voted for by rent-a-celebs Paul Ross, Vernon Kaye and Stuart fucking Maconie. Forget all that toss, we all know what the top ten is going to be filled with anyway, they’re just a pointless waste of two hours of your night - rather like Episode I! Zing! And with that backhanded insult, we’d like to serve to you part one of our top 20 alternative moments from our favourite galactic space opera – you’ll find no waffling about the Battle of Hoth here, just the funny, cool or plain daft bits that make you smile, cry or grit your teeth in cartoonish frustration. This is a Kate Thornton free zone! Enjoy!20. DARTH MAUL: DEADLY DOORMAN Having control of the force may lead to enlightenment and/or the Dark Side, but it’s also really handy when you just can’t be arsed to open doors. Rather than use his hands like some sort of prole, our horny Sith friend decides to levitate a droid’s decapitated head from the ground and smash it into the door control to make his getaway. Qui-Gonn tried to top him in the door opening stakes by jamming a lightsaber in one, but fucked it up. Idiot. 19. PADME TAKES A TUMBLE Apparently, when you’re shagging a Jedi, falling out of moving spaceships onto sand dunes from a great height doesn’t hurt at all. “Are you alright?” asks a Clone Trooper. “Ugh… agh… uh-huh” is Padme’s wooden response. Fair enough, he was only asking. 18. THE INTERIOR DÉCOR OF CLOUD CITY I don’t know whether they’ve had a man in or something, but the interior decorations displayed in the carbonite freezing chamber are simply mahvellous, dahling. An orange staircase? Looks like someone got a visit from Carol Smilie in the summer. Spiffy! 17. ATTACK OF THE KIWIS An unfortunate side effect of making thousands of clones of Temuera Morrison is that your entire intergalactic army now speak in a ridiculous New Zealand accent. “It’s the bettle druids, shoot thim for bloody’s sake!” 16. PALPATINE MINCES HIS WORDS When you’re pure evil personified, you’ve got every right to roll your words around your mouth and speak in an elongated sinister drawl. But the words of Senator Palpatine spend so long in his gob, you’d think he’s sucking on an intergalactic Polo mint. He wiiillll be Chancellooorrrr… 15. THE YODA SHUFFLE So what do you do when you’re forced to hide on an intergalactic shit pit like the Dagobah system for several years? All on your lonesome at that? Answer: you go a little bit mental. One would imagine that in the period between episodes III and IV, there was much speech training, a little bog-snorkelling and copious amounts of masturbation. Why else do you think he’s all shrivelled and green? 14. VADER IS MOFF TARKIN’S BITCH Baddest motherfucker in the galaxy? Don’t be fooled by the black bike helmet and the bronchial problems. Not content with answering to the pizza-faced Emperor, Luke’s daddy even takes orders from Peter Cushing’s Grand Moff Tarkin. “Release him!” he says, of Vader’s latest throat casualty. “As you wish,” he mumbles under his breath. Apparently in the new special edition of A New Hope, you see Vader give Tarkin the finger and mime a wanking motion when his back is turned. 13. JAR JAR FUCKS UP Never say George Lucas doesn’t listen to his fans. After being on the receiving end of the kind of vitriol usually reserved for evil Iraqi dictators, Lucas decided that perhaps Jar Jar should be punished for his awful Episode I slapstick. To atone for his sins, he made the big gay Gungan responsible for giving Palpatine emergency powers, which he then used to create an army. Which means it’s all his fault. Kind of makes him harder to love, doesn’t it? 12. GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM Former turncoat Lando Calrissian might be one of the best pilots in the galaxy, but when it comes to dancing, the man’s a mess. At the climax of Jedi, with the Ewoks laying down some banging Jub Jub beats and the Empire defeated, you might expect Lando to cut loose and get down. But no, he simply mopes around in the background, clapping his hands out of time with an awkward smile on his face, all the while managing to look like a politician forced to listen to a pop song played at a party conference. Shame on you, Lando. 11. CELIA IMRIE? CELIA IMRIE? Among the many ‘WTF’ moments of The Phantom Menace was its ridiculous procession of little-known British actors popping up in the most unlikely of places. Not only did you have Ralph ‘Danny the Dealer’ Brown piloting a Naboo starfighter (“that little droid did it!”) but you had sitcom actress Celia Imrie – best known for her role in Victoria Woods’ TV shows – involved in an assault on a Federation space station. What next, Jacko from Brush Strokes sitting on the Naboo council? Come back soon for the top ten alternative Star Wars moments, including the death of Jar Jar in Episode III and that bit where the Stormtrooper bangs his head on the door! Ahahahaha, isn't Star Wars brilliant? Don't agree with this hastily knocked together list? Have your say in the new comments section! And may the force be with you, or something! Posted on: 19/05/05 | Email: ali@theshiznit.co.uk  Click here to read and post comments (currently 5 comments) |
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August 15th 2008
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY
WILD CHILD
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