Top 20 Crazy Bastards


4th October 2007

Top nutjobs 10-6! <<<

All the psychos on this list are played by actors with suitably crazed credentials - your Nicholsons and Madsens make a living playing fucked up SOBs. But Gandhi flipping out? Now that's frightening. Don is a gangster with a stare so cold it could make Hell freeze over; a very influential chap indeed. Ray Winstone's over-the-hill criminal Gal found out the hard way just how persuasive Don could be, when he turns up on the doorstep of his villa requesting his help for one last job. "I'm afraid I'll have to turn this opportunity down," says Gal quietly. "No, I'm afraid you'll have to turn this opportunity yes," comes the chillingly detached reply. With a liberal use of the c-word and some of the most imaginative swearing this side of a Tourettes Anonymous meeting ("Fucking jam-rag spunk bubble!"), Don leaves you in no doubt he's absolutely insane, especially when he accuses an air steward of touching his "front bottom".
Moment of Madness: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" etc.

Dennis Hopper is yet another one of those actors who needs very little direction when playing a psycho - the man's consumed enough drugs in his lifetime to put Boots out of business. Frank Booth is a suitably twisted character, one right at home in the David Lynch universe (where it's an everyday occasion when miniature old people scream at you and trolls live in alleys behind diners). He's a man capable of terrifying violence and horrendous cruelty; he's holding nightclub singer Dorothy Vallens against her will and he's forever taking lungfuls of unspecified gasses that cause him to erupt in fits of crazed laughter. When a college kid threatens to derail his criminal empire, he strips Dorothy naked, beats her near to death and chucks her out of a moving car. A fairly mundane day in the David Lynch universe, it has to be said.
Moment of Madness: "Baby wants to fuck! Baby wants to fuck Blue Velvet!" Daddy is freaked the fuck out, thank you.

Patrick is the consummate 80's businessman: immaculately groomed, a sharp dresser and more than willing to literally stab his colleagues in the back to get what he wants. An expert in murders and executions (or is that mergers and acquisitions?), Bateman knows the cutthroat world of big business inside and out and he didn't get where he was today without skull-fucking the odd homeless guy along the way. It's a dog eat dog world, something Paul Allen should have realised when flashing his swish new business card to a closet homicidal maniac. If you needed any more proof that Patrick is utterly insane, look no further than his impressive CD collection. Phil Collins? Now that's truly disturbing.
Moment of Madness: Trying to feed an ATM machine with a stray kitten.

Ah, Master Bates, the original movie psycho; the man who gave women a fear of showers, men a fear of their mothers and parents a fear of naming their children Norman. Stop by the Bates Motel at your peril, because the harmless looking dweeb behind the front desk is one cashew short of a nutcase (the nervous laughter, stuffed animals and wanking peephole almost give him away). This knife-wielding madman lost his marbles when his mother died, and instead of boxing her up in a Tesco Value coffin and burying her in the back garden, Norman tended to her mouldy corpse like any loving son should. Being in that big old motel all by himself, it's perfectly natural that Norman should want to put her wig on once in a while and spook some customers. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Moment of Madness: Going for a slash while Marion takes a shower.

Starting the movie as a humble writer and family man, but ending it as an axe-wielding homicidal windowlicker, Jack is clearly not a man comfortable with isolation. Stuck working as a caretaker in a gigantic hotel over winter with only his wife and kid for company, Jack figures he'll use his new found spare time to work on his book. Unfortunately, it's not long before the hotel goes to work on him and he starts hearing voices, chatting to non-existent butlers and making out with dead old ladies. Suffering a nasty case of writer's block, JT graduates from dribbling lunatic to full-on man-mental and chases his family round the grounds with a big chopper, before making the fatal mistake of stepping outside without a warm coat on. Jack is now officially the world's craziest icicle.
Moment of Madness: "I'm not gonna hurt you... I'm just gonna bash your brains in!" Jack really needs a poo and isn't afraid to axe. Ali

If you liked this article, check out a suitably bonkers director with Ten Reasons To Love Uwe Boll. Perhaps some crazy action is more your thing? Check out the Top 20 Ridiculous Action Movie Moments.

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