15. HARD TARGET (1993)
With a cast that includes Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Vosloo and Lance Henriksen, it doesn't exactly scream quality, rather violently proclaim its presence using a booby trapped venomous snake, whilst standing on top of a speeding motorbike, shooting at the bad guys with a pistol in each hand and blowing up their oil tank. Bad guys carry A-Team regulation AK-47's, drive motorbikes dressed as if they were acting in a Poundland version of Streethawk and couldn't hit a target if it was a mile high, orange and 10ft away from them. But let's not forget Van Damme, a man so fucking badass that, instead of kissing Yancy Butler, he'd grab a furious snake, punch it unconscious, and then - using his bad ass Ninja teeth - rip off the rattle on the end of its tail and spit it out as if it were a ring pull. Grrrr!
Manliest moment: JCVD makes the name 'Chance Bordeaux' sound totally not gay.
14. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)
You could argue that the sheer, mindless ultraviolence of A Clockwork Orange could only be the product of a male imagination. Then again, the scene in which Alex - our anti-hero, dressed in a white boiler suit and bowler hat - murders a defenceless woman with a gigantic ceramic penis does kind of spell it out for you. Alex and his Droogs do all the things that young boys want, albeit in a kind of weird 70's way, namely loitering, a bit of the old in-out and beating up tramps with sticks to the music of Beethoven. Okay, maybe not all young boys dream of such violence, but the primal behaviour dished out by Kubrick's disillusioned youngsters is engrained in the male psyche, so much so that it takes a very unique type of therapy to dilute it. Viddy well, my brother.
Manliest moment: Alex has a sordid threesome in fast-forward.
13. GLADIATOR (2000)
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance." Take cover girls, there's a shit-storm a-brewing. Russell Crowe's sweaty man-hero is a true screen legend, and not just because he makes the ladies go weak at the knees. Fighting tigers, beheading giant warriors, chucking swords at random people... Maximus has such an abundance of Y-chromosomes, he should bottle them and go into business. Although he's technically crusading for the honour of his dead family (and despite the fact he goes out like a bitch to the hair-lipped Commodus), you suspect that the reason Crowe's buff gladiator continues to fight is because, well, he likes it. As do we. Go away lady, this is a man's world.
Manliest moment: "Are you not entertained?" We're damn near damp, Russell.
12. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)
The first appearance from the 'condom full of walnuts' that is the Governator. According to this film, your philosophy should be "to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women." Sound advice. There's James Earl Jones as a giant phallic snake, the worship of a bloodthirsty God called Crom, swordfights, chain mail, a serious neglect of the laws of Health & Safety in the battlefield and some excellent slavery. All fronted, of course, by a man with arms the size of entire puny humans. Who said being a man was all blood and guts? Being a man is about swords, and fighting, and non-gay magic. And killer snakes. Okay, and blood and guts. Hell yeah - CoMAN The Barbarian.
Manliest moment: Conan is so macho, someone else cries for him.
11. MIAMI VICE (2006)
Michael Mann's Miami Vice is more a re-tooling than a remake, seeing as he's populated the movie primarily with tools: Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx are the new stars, actors both well-known for dipping their wicks and wiping it on the curtains. Although they barely exchange a word to each other, Crockett and Tubbs are both fine male specimens and proceed to spread their seed through Miami and beyond; Foxx slips it to his girlfriend (joking about premature ejaculation as he does) while Farrell gets intimate with Gong Li's gangster's moll. The gunfights and macho horseplay are manly enough, but when Crockett treats his new lady to a speedboat ride, the subtext couldn't be clearer - they're darting across the ocean in a giant metal penis. Warning: watching may cause one's balls to explode.
Manliest moment: The boys both have shower scenes (not together).
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