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 TOP 20 MOVIE MENTORS If you’ve got a problem, yo – they’ll solve it  Anyone who’s seen too many movies will tell you that even the weakest, ugliest, stupidest ducklings can be transformed into swans. However, you can’t make this sort of change on your own – you need a mentor. Knowledgeable, wise and charismatic, movie mentors seem to have all the answers, and they’ll share their wisdom with you, usually via a few quick montages or training sequences. The twenty or so gentlemen you see below are the best of the best of the best – collected in those noggins is enough raw information to put Google out of business. If you want to know how to hit on women, defeat your enemies or just succeed in life, then look no further; it’ll be tough, but kid… if it’s in you, they’ll find it.20. CHAZZ REINHOLD in WEDDING CRASHERS   Chazz is something of a living legend. Spoken of in hushed tones like he’s a modern-day Buddha, he’s the man who stood atop Man mountain and held aloft the new commandments; the rules to crashing weddings and scoring with horny chicks who’ve just seen their best friends married. When budding crasher John meets Chazz in person, he’s not quite as imagined – he’s wearing a loose fitting dressing gown, lives with his mother and really likes meat loaf – but he’s still got it. He’s now turned his hand to crashing funerals, because as he says, grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac. It’s a technique that works, so give him credit where it’s due: “It’s like fishing with dynamite!”Wise words: “Her boyfriend just died in a hand-gliding accident. What an idiot!” 19. PAI MEI in KILL BILL VOL. 2  To be a good mentor, you have to be cruel to be kind, so when Bill takes hot young protégé Beatrix Kiddo to see head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, she’s guaranteed anything but an easy ride. Pai Mei mocks Kiddo’s sword-fighting abilities, has her punch through solid wood until her knuckles are a pulp and even makes her eat rice with chopsticks – the bastard! But it was all worthwhile, as Beatrix learned a few tricks that ultimately saved her life, not least that old five-point palm exploding heart technique – handy when faced with an ex-love / villain who just won’t stop talking about fucking Superman. Bill’s other blonde bombshell Elle Driver learned the hard way just how harsh a teacher Pai Mei was; he plucked out her eye for her insolence. And because… y’know, it looked cool.Wise words: “Your so-called kung fu is really quite pathetic.” 18. JUAN SANCHEZ VILLA-LOBOS RAMIREZ in HIGHLANDER  That five-barrelled mouthful of a name isn’t fooling anyone – Ramirez is cinema’s least convincing Spaniard. Sean Connery might chew on his accent like you or I might chew on bubblegum (his pupil, Christopher Lambert, isn’t exactly the world’s greatest linguist either), but if Connor McLeod is to realise that there can be only one, then he’s going to need all of Ramirez’ tutelage. Clad in fine 16th century Spanish garments that only the best fancy dress shops can offer, JSV-LR (it’s just quicker that way) teaches McLeod how to handle a sword like a true immortal, not to mention dropping in the valuable information that getting decapitated will cause him to die. He meets his match when faced with the dastardly Kurgan, but defied the rules of immortality (and logic) when he re-appeared in the sequel, Highlander II: The Quickening.Wise words: “If your head comes away from your neck, it’s over!” 17. PATCHES O’HOULIHAN in DODGEBALL  How does an underdog sports team change from a bunch of rag-tag losers to genuine tournament contenders? Everybody needs a mentor! The members of Average Joe’s gym looked like a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob before retired Dodgeball champion Patches O’Houlihan came along and beat them into shape with an array of blunt instruments. Kooky though he may have been – he liked drinking his own urine and always had a hooker or two waiting in his room – there was a method in his madness, not least the invaluable ‘5 D’s’: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and… uh, dodge. He met an ironic end beneath a falling ‘Luck of the Irish’ neon sign, but his flawless tactics took Average Joe’s all the way to the final of the Las Vegas international open. God bless you Patches, may you enjoy many a hooker in heaven.Wise words: “You’re about as much use as a cock-flavoured lollipop.” 16. PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER in the X-MEN movies  This folically-challenged swot is the cornerstone of the X-Men, despite being something of a fire hazard. Being bald and disabled might be enough to make lesser men reach for the bleach, but not our Chuck; harnessing his trippy mind powers for the good of mutant kind, he started Xavier’s School For Mutants and formed the Marvel universe’s most awesome bunch of shit-kickers. Cool and collected, he’s the perfect foil to the attributes of his students: he curbs Wolverine’s rage, keeps Jean Grey’s incredible power in check and even gives Storm odd-jobs around the mansion when she’s bored. Xavier also earns bonus points for living in a giant mansion and owning a stealth jet; more than you can say for his nemesis Magneto, who probably only starts trouble out of jealousy.Wise words: “Are mutants the next link in the evolutionary chain or simply a new species of humanity fighting for their share of the world?” Movie mentors numbers 15-11! >>>>  Click here to read and post comments (currently 13 comments) |
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August 15th 2008
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY
WILD CHILD
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New movies coming soon
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