Top 20 movies of 2013

5. Pain & Gain

Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie

Michael Bay had threatened to make his "small movie" for years, but each time he got close to adapting the too-weird-to-be-true story of criminally thick bodybuilder Daniel Lugo, another Transformers-branded truck dumped a fresh pile of gold ingots and bikini models on his lawn. Bay thankfully surmised that the world could wait for Transformers 4, and we're glad he did, because "small movie" Pain & Gain is his biggest success to date: a pitch black comedy that manages to mine humour out of some truly heinous crimes. This from the man who thought Martin Lawrence fondling the fake breasts of a dead woman was funny in Bad Boys 2.

For me, this was the movie where Mark Wahlberg finally 'clicked': a film that caricatures his 'little guy, big talk' attitude instead of encouraging it. Wahlberg is a revelation as the lunkhead who moulds the American Dream into a nightmare, but paired with a never-better Dwayne Johnson - proving once and for all he's way better suited to comedy than action - he operates on a level hitherto unseen. A self-aware Marky Mark? I never thought I'd live to see the day. I wish all of Michael Bay's movies could be this small. Ali

Defining moment: By the third act, a simple act of extortion has spiralled into third degree murder. Cue Wahlberg frantically directing his idiot cohorts - including the excellent Anthony Mackie - to chop off a corpse's limbs using a cheap, store-bought buzzsaw. It fails. It's round about now that Bay feels it necessary to flash the on-screen caption: "Unfortunately, this is still a true story".

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4. Only God Forgives

Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, Vithaya Pansringarm

You almost definitely hated it, and that's fine. Nicolas Winding Refn doesn't care whether or not you like Only God Forgives, he just doesn't want you to forget it. Exquisite cinematography and a macabre score take centre stage while Ryan Gosling mooches about waiting for you to assign his character some kind of meaning.

Meanwhile Kristin Scott-Thomas is hilariously horrific; the kind of mother Hitchcock would be giving us were he alive today. Hard to enjoy in the traditional sense but impossible to ignore, Only God Forgives might just be 2013's boldest experiment in audience endurance. Neil

Defining moment: Dinner with mother. Why do they always insist on bringing up the size of their sons' junk?

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3. Frances Ha

Director: Noah Baumbach
Starring: Greta Gerwig, Mickey Sumner, Adam Driver

Much like you'd (rightly) pre-judge someone wearing a hat indoors with a glasses/beard/corduroy jacket combo as a hipster, it's not surprising Frances Ha has largely been categorised as indie mumblecore art-wank. A black and white comedy set in Manhattan about feckless young people starring Greta Gerwig and Sting's daughter? If Frances Ha were a real person, she'd be listening to Neutral Milk Hotel on her personal vinyl player up atop her Penny Farthing. "What a fucking hipster," we'd all hiss.

Of course, the fact that you're reading this should suggest that Frances Ha is a delight, and that you shouldn't judge books by their covers - even dusty old collections of poems bought from kitsch New York bookshops. Noah Baumbach has written and directed a comedy soufflé that's sweet and lighter than air, with hints of early Woody Allen that don't overpower the palate. As the titular Frances, Gerwig is loveable in the extreme and instantly recognisable as the fuck-up we all fear we really are. It's witty, underplayed, relatable and all kinds of wonderful: the kind of uplifting film that almost makes you want to give the hipster lifestyle a try. Ali

Defining moment: Penniless Frances gives a spontaneous whoop of joy when she opens her mail to discover she's been given a tax rebate. Marry me, Greta Gerwig. Be my mumbling bride.

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2. Pacific Rim

Director: Guillermo Del Toro
Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi

"What position did you come at Pacific Rim from? A position of STAGGERING INSANITY?" said former Shiznit writer Neil, upon learning of its position in our end of year round-up. "Pacific Rim can literally eat shit," said one-time Shiznit employee Luke, joining the conversation. Both men have since been issued their P45s and been escorted off the fictional premises, because anyone who saw Pacific Rim and gleaned no entertainment from it do not deserve to be able to give their voice a platform. These people are literally worse than Hitlers.

The concept of robots fighting monsters for the fate of the planet is almost insultingly basic, but Guillermo del Toro makes sure you see every slithery scale and oily cog. The universe he has created in just one movie feels like it's been lived in for 50 years - a testament not just to the director's palpable adoration of kaiju movies but the peerless works of his design, production and SFX teams. Those idiots Neil and Luke would have you believe the human elements of the movie are weak, and they wouldn't be wrong, but broadly drawn stock characters are essential when the film is painted across a canvas this large. In a movie where a giant winged bat creature spews blue acid venom across the Hong Kong cityscape, there's little room for complex characters to exist. The movie's tagline, "Go big or go extinct", applies to the characterisation as well as the action. There's no room for wordsmiths at the cancellation of the apocalypse.

Let's be real: you came for robots versus monsters and del Toro delivers just that on a scale that hasn't been seen in a modern blockbuster since... well, when was the last decent monster movie? Even Cloverfield didn't have nuclear-powered robots wielding swords. Before Godzilla comes back to claim its thorny creature feature crown in 2014, let's enjoy the fact we got a $250 million monster movie that spent every dime of its budget on being as badass as possible. You'd have to staggeringly insane not to see that as a good thing for movies in general, and anyone who disagrees can literally eat my shit. Naming no names. Ali

Defining moment: The Kaiju known as Otachi looks to be on its last legs until it grabs our heroes' Jaeger in its claws and SPROUTS A PAIR OF FUCKING WINGS AND FLIES INTO FUCKING SPACE.

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