Top 20 Ridiculous Action Movie Moments


27th June 2007

Ridiculous action scenes 15-11! <<<

The lowdown: A volcano erupts in Los Angeles and clever clogs TLJ reasons that they divert the lava into the ocean by detonating buildings (a good idea). Unfortunately, he's standing underneath one when they do (a bad idea).
Why so stupid? Tommy Lee Jones looks like a man who'd struggle to outrun a corpse at the best of times, so having him outrun a falling skyscraper is a pretty fucking big stretch of the imagination. Not only does the old codger manage to defy logic and physics, he scoops up a mop-topped youngster while doing it. When he emerges from the rubble to see all different races covered in ash, the brat remarks "They all look the same!" Damn, I used to be a huge racist, but not any more!
In reality... Tommy takes two steps before a building lands on his head. Add another grave to the Three Burials.
Wins the award for: Fastest 100-Yard Dash (Geriatric Division).

The lowdown: Rick and Evelyn again battle hordes of mummies as Imhotep is once again raised from the dead to cause trouble. The adventure takes the gang into the temple of the Scorpion King (played by The Rock) who, if resurrected, will destroy the world or something.
Why so stupid? Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Seriously? Ha ha haaa. A word in the ear of any directors: make sure you don't spunk your entire SFX budget up the wall before the final battle, otherwise you risk your heroes facing off against a CG abomination that looks like it was made in Microsoft Paint. As Rick struggles with the shockingly shabby Scorpion King, it looks likes he's fighting a Create-A-Wrestler from the WWF Smackdown videogame. A computer-generated low that'll be tough to beat.
In reality... Rick must save the world from a tennis ball on a stick.
Wins the award for: Best Use Of An Atari 2600 For Special Effects.

The lowdown: Chev Chelios (the lunacy has started already) is a professional assassin who wakes up to find he's been poisoned. If his heart rate dips he'll die, so he's got to stay full of adrenaline at all times. A perfect excuse for a lack of plot - cue the mindless action!
Why so stupid? From beginning to end, Crank is one big clusterfuck of ridiculous action scenes, the Adrenaline turned up to 11 with the Logic firmly on mute. Watching Chev headbutt his friends, shag his missus in public, swan dive off a moving motorbike and run around with a gigantic boner never gets tired, but it stretches credibility to breaking point. It might be like 'Speed On A Person', but hell - it sure is fun.
In reality... Chev's enemies cut his throat in his sleep, rather than give him a slow-working poison that might just encourage him to get angry.
Wins the award for: Worst Character Name Since Korben Dallas.

The lowdown: Gruff criminal and all-round cool guy Snake is once again recruited by the government, this time to infiltrate the prison island of Los Angeles and receive a doomsday device stolen by the president's daughter.
Why so stupid? From the outset, it's clear Escape From L.A. is John Carpenter on autopilot - it's clearly not meant to be taken seriously, though perhaps someone should have told Kurt Russell. The man they call Snake hangs ten while surfing a tsunami wave down Wiltshire Boulevard and then jumps off his surfboard onto the back of a moving car like it's the most natural thing in the world. Consider the life-or-death basketball match and weep that such a cool character appeared in such baloney - making Snake surf is like making Han Solo hand glide.
In reality... "The most notorious criminal in US history" realises he's about as adept at surfing as Stephen Hawking and bails, breaking his pelvis and dooming the planet.
Wins the award for: Stubbliest Anti-Hero Performing An Extreme Sport.

The lowdown: Two clones escape a testing facility where they're being bred as spare parts for rich twats with duff organs and saggy tits. They make it into the real world only to be pursued by facility staff and the po-leece.
Why so stupid? Please, this is action spaz Michael Bay. Not only do the clones manage to evade capture on foot when their pursuers have hover bikes and guns, but they manage to fall from the roof of a 70-story skyscraper - clinging onto a gigantic corporate logo of the letter 'R' (which presumably stands for retarded) - and land caught up in netting without a scratch. This being a Bay film, two helicopters also explode in the same stunt. Because you can't have people falling off buildings without exploding a helicopter or two.
In reality... The clones escape but are burned alive by Christian protestors for being abhorrent freaks of nature.
Wins the award for: Best Half-Arsed Idea Executed By Michael Bay.

Ridiculous action scenes 5-1! >>>

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