|1. KEANU REEVES is... USELESS!|
|~ LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD ~|
|POOR OLD KEANU REEVES. HE'S like the Littlest Hobo, travelling from movie to movie in the vain hope he'll find a part for which he's suitable. But at the end of every film, he walks off into the sunset with his tail between his legs, searching for that mythical role he can call his own. Whether he's playing vampire hunters, environmental scientists or even just doctors, Reeves always seems hopelessly out of his depth: the man simply isn't recognisable as a human being. The only times his acting has ever felt natural? As an idiot teenager in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and as a clueless dolt in The Matrix, the running time of which he spends looking confused and asking questions. Sounds about right. Let's take a look at some examples of his contribution to casting nightmares over his illustrious and wooden career:
BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (1992) Keanu played vampire hunter Jonathan Harker, applying the same level of acting expertise that he did to Ted Theodore Logan.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING (1993) Reeves, like, totally sucked in his role as Don John in this Shakespeare comedy. Like, chill out, Shakespeare!
LITTLE BUDDHA (1993) Keanu plays a Hindu prince called Siddhartha, who... actually we'll just leave it there.
CHAIN REACTION (1996) Reeves was Razzie nominated for his role as a genius scientist who invents a new source of energy. Of course he does.
THE GIFT (2000) Keanu Reeves as an abusive husband? Why not! He's already shown himself to have so much range!
SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE (2003) Dr. Keanu Reeves looks after an elderly Jack Nicholson and falls in love with Diane Keaton. Elsewhere, reality happens.
CONSTANTINE (2005) In the original comic, John Constantine is blonde and wiry and modelled after singer Sting. Wrong again, Hollywood!
DOGSTAR (1991-2002) Reeves rocked out with his 'band' in the mistaken belief he could apply himself to music as easily as he could music. Fail.
What next for Hollywood's most ill-fitting jigsaw piece? Queen Elizabeth? Barack Obama? Jesus Christ? Whatever the role, Keanu can suck in it - just give him the chance. Ali Digg This! | Stumble It!
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