Trailer breakdown: Avengers: Age Of Ultron? More like Age Of FUN-ltron!
27th October 2014
Sure, you might have already watched the Avengers: Age Of Ultron trailer several times, but have you seen it in still-frame form, accompanied by hastily-written comments, a good week after everyone else published something very similar? I'm guessing the answer is oh you've already gone.
00:01 - Tsk, lazy Marvel, they've left in an unfinished SFX greenscreen shot. Ho ho, just kidding, I know Marvel, and by proxy their parent company The Walt Disney Corporation, are both fine organisations that can be proud of their exemplary work ethics and are home to some extremely sexy employees. (*coughs*)
00:08 - "I want to show you something beautiful..." I've seen this James Spader movie before, it's his wang, isn't it?
00:13 - Actually I think it's the Godzilla trailer.
00:16 - It's definitely the Godzilla trailer.
00:19 - Ultron might be smart but he's not 'don't accidentally set your hand on fire cooking a lasagne' smart.
00:23 - Captain America's back! (I promise I'm not allowed to use that gag again for three more Captain America movies).
00:29 - The Avengers look worried. Maybe they just heard that DC are releasing a standalone Aquaman movie HAHA only kidding not even fictional characters care about Aquaman.
00:33 - Our first look at Ultron is only slightly marred by the fact that Tony Stark has one of those circular 'Entity' mobiles from that episode of South Park in his gym.
00:34 - So much wine. I reckon the Avengers are quite sozzled here. It's a good job Ultron turned up or things might have got silly. Drunk Thor: "Let us ride Hulk through the streetsh of New York! [hic]" Drunk Tony Stark: "Wait wait wait guys I have the perfect shuit for this!"
00:37 - Hats off, this is some terrific set design. Also note Black Widow's calming hand on Bruce Banner. D'aww.
00:46 - Tony Stark is climbing a mountain, why is he climbing a mountain?
00:52 - The Headlice Extermination Squad are drafted in from the front-line to face the new threat. "Huddle up, men. We're going to need the biggest little comb we've ever used."
00:58 - Someone needs to take Bruce Banner to one side and explain to him that his temper is detrimental to the team's performance as a whole and has been raised with Avengers HR by a number of his colleagues. If he doesn't learn to express his frustration in productive and reasonable ways, he'll be staring down the barrel of a written warning before he knows it - three of them and he's looking at a severe dressing down.
00:59 - "Oh, right. Furniture."
01:02 - Ultron recruits Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. "So, this is, like, your room. I'll be just down the hall."
01:03 - "I knew we should have used Airbnb."
01:07 - Rumour has it one day Hawkeye might actually appear in the centre of the frame.
01:10 - This may what?
01:13 - "This is the end... the end of the path I started us on," says Tony Stark. Side note: judging from the accoutrement on the walls, either the Avengers are in a midtown themed rib shack, or Tony collects number plates.
01:16 - "Hello, I'm Nick Fury but I'm on the run and in disguise. You can tell because I'm wearing a hat to blend in, yet don't feel it necessary to conceal my eye-patch, arguably my most identifiable feature. To be fair, I sat on my sunglasses, and I was all like 'Well I definitely don't have time to buy more sunglasses right now'."
01:17 - Black Widow, however, did apparently have time to get her hair cut since the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier.
01:20 - Scarlet Witch cannot unsee the NSFW Hulk/Black Widow animated gif.
01:22 - "Hulk can confirm gif accurate"
01:25 - BULK-HUSTER! BUNK-HULSTER! HUNK-BULSTER! I'm sorry, the rest of my life just became 1,000,000 times less important.
01:27 - "Talk about a great way to beat the traffic, right guys? Haha. Guys?" (*touches earpiece*) "Oh right, Ultron."
01:29 - This is one of those nonsense filler shots that, free of context, makes absolutely no sense. My best guess is that it shows Quicksilver knocking over Ultron's chips on the night bus home. Steve Rogers is cursing himself for not getting a taxi. "This always happens," he mutters under his breath. "Only nutters ride the night bus."
01:30 - Scarlet Witch wields the almighty power of Lens Flare. Of course, in the comics, this power was originally held by mild-mannered digital designer, Len Sflare. Hollywood: always taking liberties.
01:31 - Confirmation that Avengers: Age Of Ultron definitely features some boats.
01:33 - Andy Serkis here, providing motion-capture for the greatest role of his lifetime: (*whispers*) Andy Serkis.
01:35 - If Hulk's hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.
01:36 - Confirmation that Avengers: Age Of Ultron definitely features some ballet. If I had to guess, I'd say that tiny pianist is Baron von Strucker, a villain who's taking the old 'bad guy listens to classical musical or appreciates fine art' trope to the next level. The villain in Expendables 4 is going to be so classy he invented caviar or some shit.
01:38 - Contractually obliged Hawkeye shot. If you look closely, you'll see that Hawkeye now has a little leather skirt thing attached to his tabbard. I get that costume changes are part and parcel of the superhero thing, but I have a hard time believing Clint Barton raised this issue with Avengers HR and said "What I really need is for my outfit to feel flouncier around the waist". Still, it's not the most needless superhero costume upgrade - that honour goes to Magneto and his purple robes at the end of X-Men: First Class, presumably after a high-tempo shopping montage at the mall with Emma Frost giving him the thumbs up.
01:40 - Go home Avengers you are drunk.
01:43 - BLOKE-HOLSTER! HUCK-BLUSTER!
01:47 - "What's up guys? I got here as fast as I could. Haha! Seriously though, what's up?"
01:50 - The subtext here is that Iron Man is going to punch Hulk right in his face with his giant rocket fist and all our money is going to fall out of our wallets.
01:54 - Cap has broken his shield. Doesn't he work for S.H.I.E.L.D.? Maybe he gets a staff discount or something.
01:57 - "There are no strings on me," says Ultron, completing the apt Pinocchio analogy and nailing an absolutely stunning example of corporate brand synergy from the fine people at Disney (*swivel eyes*).
02:03 - Guys, this may, it really may.