Trailer breakdown: Star Wars: The Force Awakens
16th April 2015
STAR WARS! WAR STORES! TRAMOPOLINE!
00:12 - The LucasFilm logo does a little shimmy. Still no Disney logo, though. It's not like they paid any money for them or anything. I wonder if they snuck in a Hidden Mickey as recompense. Note: you can hear the gentle hum of a lightsaber as the logo disappears. I am already swollen with delight.
00:30 - I'm not much of a fan of those 'One Perfect Shot' Twitter accounts - come on, really? - where they just seemingly do a random freeze-frame on an acclaimed movie and then have a big wank over it. But this is a perfect shot. Places the movie perfectly. Desert planet. Downed X-Wing. Fallen Star Destroyer. Post-Empire. Just perfect image composition. (*lights clove cigarette, adjusts beret*)
00:40 - "The Force is strong in my family," says
00:48 - Luke Skywalker's magnetic hand snaps to R2-D2's chrome dome, then he plays it off like an affectionate hair-ruffle.
00:54 - "I have it," says Skywalker. "My sister has it." A woman? (*Roger Moore eyebrow*) Well it is the nineties after all! I guess if women can fly planes and be doctors they can be Jedis too? I just wouldn't want one flying my plane or operating on me or patrolling my quadrant of the universe for injustice while they're on their period, is all I'm saying! (*votes UKIP*)
01:06 - Fact: JJ Abrams got this idea for this scene from Planes: Fire & Rescue. The Disney difference! Actual fact: I went "Woah!" when I first saw this shot and my wife was all like, 'What happened to the man I married?' She didn't say it, she just thought it but her face said it all.
01:08 - There have been a lot of sparks in this trailer, up to this point. That is neither here nor there: this man is holding an electric sword. Act accordingly.
01:09 - "Our block - it's being attacked!" By a tiny TIE Fighter. Pew pew! This trailer breakdown is going GREAT!
01:11 - Oh hell YES. Everyone knows I love a good helmet, especially one that looks like it's sponsored by Adidas. Also that hooded cloak has some serious glitter going on, Kylo girl!
01:13 - If Kylo Ren's faceplate looks like it was sponsored by Adidas, the slick new Stormtroopers look like they've been made by Apple. No need for a Rebel Alliance you guys, these fuckers will be obsolete in a couple of years.
01:14 - Daisy Ridley's Ren is looking at something. What is she looking at? Why? Is she in trouble? Is she dreaming? Can you see a reflection of someone in her eye? What do YOU think she's looking at? Text, email and fax via the usual channels.
01:16 - Here's your money shot, homes: TIE Fighters terrin' up a loading bay of what I can only assume is a Very Large Imperial Starship Of Some Sort. That Stormtrooper is upside down. This is the best thing that's ever been upside down since Australia. The lighting. The colours. The Ben Burttiness of the sound effects. Marry me, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Take my virginity.
01:19 - Space boat! I'm willing to bet that at least one popular Star Wars character, either old or new, is on board. I'm sticking my neck out on this one. I like how it looks like it's Star Wars. That's a general theme I'm sticking to throughout this breakdown.
01:20 - This Chrometrooper's name is apparently Captain Phasma, which is obviously ridiculous, but it doesn't matter because I'm already throwing money out my window hoping that a nearby Star Wars trader is passing who can exchange my cash for a 1:1 model of this beautiful bastard. I feel like Weyland Smithers staring at the new Malibu Stacy: "It's just a silver Stormtrooper!" [pause] "But it's wearing a cape!"
01:23 - Finn has obviously never seen a hand before. Shake it, you idiot! It's only polite!
01:27 - Okay Star Wars. You can stop now. You win.
01:28 - I give up. I am helpless in your thrall. I submit.
01:30 - I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE MY BALLS ARE FULL
01:35 - (*literally explodes with delight then flops onto sofa exhausted as wife draws up divorce papers*)
01:43 - JJ Abrams was so dedicated to creating practical in-camera effects, he actually mocked up a 500 ft perspex Star Wars: The Force Awakens logo and jettisoned it into space, and then fired his cinematographer into space to capture it floating among the stars. HURRY UP DECEMBER.
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