Valentine's Day TV line-up: a guide for losers

Alone on Valentine's Day evening, in a warm bath with the razorblade inching ever closer to your milky-white wrist, its glinting edge promising the sweet, brief kiss of death and merciful release? Don't worry: TELLY.

The best thing about TV, we can all agree, is that it distracts you from the bleak, meaningless abyss that is existence. Stick on a few episodes of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman and it'll guide you through the darkest of dark nights of the soul as you forget about the horror for a couple of hours.

TV was built for just such nights as tonight. While your friends and their partners are out somewhere tolerating each other in an overpriced restaurant, you can have the last laugh by staying in and following this TV route to midnight that is guaranteed not to let you remember for a second what a broken shell of a person you've become.
6-7pm: Quantum Leap, ITV4



You can't go wrong with Quantum Leap. This looks like one of those episodes where Sam is challenged by the physical constraints of having leapt into the body of someone highly skilled at something he can't really do, but manages to pull it off and leap just by being awesome. Synopsis:

Pool. I knew a girl who played pool once. I put my 50p down on the side of the table and our hands touched for the briefest of seconds. We ... no. NO!
7-8pm: Police Interceptors, C5



An ever-reliable hour's entertainment, the good-old-fashioned 'put camera in cop car and watch stuff crash' show. I wasn't altogether sure if this was a drama or a reality show going by this, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Let's face it, it'd work equally well as either.

My ex-girlfriend Tasered me once. Funny story for another time, actually. I always thought we'd tell it to our grandchildren, but then she left me for a Navy SEAL she met on the nightbus. Why, God, why? Wait ... no, I'm OK. I can get through this as long as I can change the channel.
8-9pm: David Blaine: What is Magic?, E4



Could it Be Magic. That was our song. I ...

Sorry, just give me a minute, OK? No, I've just got something in my eye.
9-10pm: Jo Brand on Kissing, BBC4



Oh, thank fuck.

I've forgotten all about women for some reason. What are they again? The ones who are always on about Twilight, right?
10-11pm: Royal Marines: Mission Afghanistan, 5*



YES. There are no women in the world, just MEN and WAR. Go on, men! Win that war!

This is going BRILLIANTLY. Now for a film to see me through till midnight and beyond. I'm feeling so good I'll even wait five minutes before it starts.
11.05pm-12.45am: Child's Play (1988), ITV4



Yes, this should do the trick.

(*sniffs*) This reminds me of Maria. Maria was a serial killer whose spirit had been transferred into the body of a doll. We had one long, incredible summer together. She taught me ... she taught me so much ... and then she DIED. I loved her and she DIED. (*pounds floor in despair*)
See you next year, then. It might all seem a bit extreme but Guardian Soulmates costs thirty fucking quid, you know.