What have I missed: Hollyoaks

In which we look at the state of our favourite shows, years after we actually stopped watching them. In this first (and most likely last) instalment, we hit the ground QWOPing with Hollyoaks.

The first and most obvious observation: where the fuck is Finn? I saw him on a tube escalator about 3 months ago, so he's clearly alive. Or at least he was 3 months ago. Is he still in the band with Lewis and Ruth? And yes, I know Finn went to Holby (or Casualty, or whatever it's called nowadays), but Lee went to Emmerdale and he came back. Is Lee still in a band with Theo's brother?


Have they done any big events, or deaths lately? Last I saw they killed off the less-sexy-than-they-sound blonde twins, Dom's Wife (I believe that was actually her name), and some dude who turned up later in a WKD advert - thanking them for their services with the sombre credits music and a kind of graffiti mural:


What sort of girl phase are they in? You can tell a serious storyline is brewing when they start to get less slutty - makes it more realistic. The girls today were average, and my theory was proved correct when a plot involving faked miscarriages was revealed. Still, one of them at least put in some effort, wearing a revealing gold number. None of them are my beloved Izzy, though. Where's she gone? The Boat?

Is every second male character now gay? I'm sure a gay male character used to live with a girl in a flat, and they had a baby. I presume they've been neatly swept under the same rug as Gilly, Mandy, Jack, O.B. and Spencer - who, get this, isn't actually mentally retarded in real life. Warren is alive, despite being dead? And nobody seems to care about that whole murder thing...?!

Why is Dick Dastardly in it?